this is the dean
show alhamdulillah alikum peace be with
you I'm Ed your host you're watching the
dean show and for those of you who have
been keeping up with us we've been
talking about marriage keeping it
together something that's very important
that you find a good spouse and you get
married and you try to stay together and
we mentioned that broken homes lead to
Broken Society so we covered on marriage
and we're getting some advice from shik
Abu Toba when we come back we've if you
if you didn't see the other parts of the
episodes go to the Deen show.com and
look for Abu toba's special section
there so you can kind of catch up to
where we're at today we're going to
continue on giving advice for those who
are married and even those who aren't
married who are thinking about getting
married well we know that this is half
your Dean so you need to race to get
married but the right spouse and we're
going to be getting more of this advice
and we're also and touch upon divorce if
it leads to that you come in peace you
leave in peace the proper way when we
come back here on the dean show sit
tight don't go nowhere the
the
the this is the this is
the
the this is
the this is the
the
the this is
the this is the is
the this is
the is theum peace be with
you back again on the dean show thank
you for finding the time to be with us
alhamdulillah people you have your own
section there at the dean show my own
section yes and we've done a lot of
shows before
a few and people can go back there to
catch up we we kind of doing a family
series we're giving some advice now just
to kind of recap we talked about the
importance of keeping the family
together the family structure the the
man's role he's the person that Allah
just like you have one God one Creator
who's maintaining sustaining this whole
universe you have one leader in the
house you have like what we made the
analogy you have the pilot and the
co-pilot right so the man who's leading
the house and the woman he's being extra
kind we talked about extra kind to the
wife giving her her rights and the woman
also having to uh acknowledge that he's
the one that God Almighty put in charge
and listening to him obviously in
obedience to Allah and then we so just
recap we can recap and then we'll go
into if this whole family structure the
family business doesn't work then we got
to leave in peace as we came in peace
right that's the
divorce
ald like you said the first things that
have to be EST
they've decided that instead of trying
to fix it some people want to destroy it
but what the proper thing to do is as
Allah subhana tells us to to keep her in
kindness and to let her go in kindness
this shows that this is on the part of
the husband okay I can't stress it
enough that the major thing the husband
has to do is be kind be kind to your
wife what does that mean that doesn't
mean that you spoil your wife and give
her everything that she wants to that
she wants when you're trying to do
things cuz some things she asks you to
do may be wrong we have the the ayat in
the Quran where Allah subhana wa tells
us that sometimes your wives and your
children can be can be enemies for you
so take your precautions against them
and this is in reference to IB Abbas
explains to us some men some mechan men
who accepted Islam in the early days but
they never made Hijra why didn't they
make Hijra because their families their
wives and their children said oh you
know they're having fights over there
there's there's you know it's going to
be harder for us we're doing so well
over here economically so they didn't
make the Hijra and when they finally did
go they saw that other people who had
accepted Islam after them and the
initial stages didn't know as much as
they had had made such great Leaps and
Bounds in their Dean and left them
behind that they wanted to punish their
families for make for not for this type
of thing but Allah revealed in the Quran
that you should forgive them and wipe it
away and he
is so it shows that the man has to
understand two things from this Ayah
that sometimes decisions that his wife
and his children want him to make may be
wrong and this may be actually a form of
animosity and enemies to him so he has
to make the decisions but at the same
time he has to be nice to them and kind
to them in the whole interaction and
forgive them for their mistakes the
things that they make so if it comes
down to divorce Allah says in the
Quran that the men are the maintainers
and the providers and Protectors of the
women this is in the marriage and during
the divorce as well and Allah tells us
in the Quran that the
men and the men have over the ladies a
degree what is this degree again IB
Abbasi defines for us that the degree
that the men have over the ladies is
that even though the ladies cannot
fulfill all the rights the men have
because even though the woman have more
rights the man's one right right to be
obeyed is such a great right that the
prophet sallam said if I were to make
anyone prostrate in front of and before
someone else it would be that the woman
prostrate to man but that's not the way
it is it's it's only for Allah subhanahu
wa tala why are we mentioning this the
degree is that the man even though he
knows the woman can't give him his
rights he's going to give her and
fulfill her rights he's going to look
out for her and make sure that she gets
everything that she has coming the
prophet said marry your daughters to
those men who have
ta why because if they love them then
that's good and there'll be love spread
amongst the umah and if he doesn't like
her at least because of his tawa he'll
give her her rights what are her rights
and divorce as I said the men are the
maintainers and providers for the women
so maybe when we come back we can talk
about what how exactly the man gives the
woman her rights with regards to divorce
everything is laid out
no it's no it's not up for you to decide
it's not up for me to decide it's not up
for anybody to do their own thing it's
straight out the woman's rights and the
man's obligations the man's rights and
the woman's obligations so just the way
same way you don't do jumping jacks and
you know uh and worship God your own way
God has a system the same way we we make
prostration we go into uh all the
different uh rituals everything's been
laid out all that is there the same way
for marriage divorce getting together
all this is there in Islam right you
know the only reason I don't want to
start on it because you know I
want I wanted to to go through each
piece of it every piece okay all right
no guess for it that's what I want to
leave off with everything's there in
Islam okay we'll be right back with more
here on the dean show you think these
things are going to bring you
happiness you know why you keep going
back to the club and you keep going back
to these
desires cuz you never find
satisfaction it's going to end up
causing you if it hasn't already a lot
of pain
you think you're happy you're kidding
yourself you really
are what we are offering in Islam what
we have found in Islam for ourselves is
a means by which our hearts are at peace
they're at rest they're not discontent
we are pleased with what we
[Music]
have back here on the dean show and
we're getting into now divorce okay you
tried everything and things just ain't
working out so you have this right to
part ways okay you know you haven't
tried everything just yet okay but most
people think that they have tried
everything and they're at their wits end
where to go the problem that we have
here in the in the west I should say is
that most people do these divorces at
home by themselves and it causes a lot
of confusion they don't usually know
what or exactly how to do it they read
the books and they say hey divorc three
times so they just start screaming
divorce you're divorce I can't stand you
you know I'm out of here and then this
is not a divorce in Islam the first
thing the man has to do when he fears
disloyalty from his wife when he fears
that his wife is not is going what we
call a state of NES and this is saying
on the part of the man because divorce
is only in the hands of the man it's not
in the hands of the woman the woman can
ask for a but it's still up to the man
whether to Grant it or not and I'm
telling everybody all the different IMS
out there do not go so quick to Grant
these ladies a this is the advice that
we get from our teachers our professors
our you know not to allow the westerners
to get these quick fixas these
annulments because these annulments are
happening it's become a fad nowadays
every lady learns now that she can have
a she gets a quick fixed K it's over and
you're going about your business no
that's not the purpose for it so we're
advising the the imams not to be so
quick in doing this and the ladies to be
careful even about asking of it because
the prophet Sall alaihi wasallam said
that any woman who ask for a or divorce
from her husband without having a good
reason then she will not find the scent
of Jenna and the scent of Jenna goes for
a period of time and some people say
that 40 years the distance of travel of
40 years the scent of Jenna can be found
and Allah knows best but this just shows
the grave you know problem or challenge
that is for the person who asks for a or
divorce and they don't deserve it what's
going to happen to them so that's one
thing so divorce is only in the hand of
the man so we go to the thing why do men
get divorced why do men divorce a
woman just looking at the best situation
meaning that the man is a good man and
the woman is a good woman right not
going to these extremes then what has
happened in the emotional bank account
of a person everybody has an emotional
bank account right like I have an
emotional balance account with you you
have one with me the difference with men
is men give points and they take points
away so if I bring you a pie some of
II's cookies or something like that you
say wow abua brought me some pies all
the way from the other side of the
country I'm going to give him 100 points
in my emotional bank account right but
if I come and I say and do something
rude you can say Ababa was rude let me
take 10 points off or 100 points off out
of my emotional bank
account whereas women they only count by
one so if you get the or you get the
diamond ring you're only going to get
one point men count by the level of
difficulty that's difference women don't
take away points when men take away
points this is important because this
distinguishes the difference between why
men can call for the divorce and why
women cannot when a man has zero in his
emotional bank account for his wife or
he feels she's in the negative okay in
the red and she's not making enough
points to get even even now he decides
he wants to divorce her so then he has
to first first and foremost give his
wife a good lecture he has to talk to it
doesn't mean that he sits there laborous
and points his fingers you you you you
you no but he has to have some game he
has to have some flavor he has to talk
to his wife in a way that would make her
understand if he can that she has done
something that displeases
him it may not even be wrong but it may
be something that he doesn't like and he
doesn't want to happen in his household
and he has that right to do that if he
can get his wife to understand what he
wants her to do and she returns back to
being his wife and this goes into a
longer conversation as to the role of
women in the society you know the women
are our supposedly dedicated helpers so
a man gets married to a wife so she can
help him in his life now if she doesn't
want to do that then she doesn't want to
be a wife you know and we have this big
egotistical thing here in the west where
it's like both of us are fighting and
vying for the attention when in
actuality there is a role for everyone
the father is the husband is the lead
the the woman is the supporting person
the supporting lead and our he is the
one that comes and says what he wants
she's the one that gets it done the
manager of the house he can say what he
wants and she if he wants Ms and she
likes hints she has to get Ms you know
and it is his way and it's not him being
a big baby to do that so if she doesn't
want to do that you know then he can say
okay you know what I'mma separate beds
with you now he stops having sleeping
with the lady in her bedroom does that
mean he goes and doesn't come home no he
separates bed with her in fact the rule
is that she's supposed to get out of the
bed but most women won't do that he
sleeps in his bed and says no you don't
sleep in my bed tonight you sleep in O
over here and he Mak a nice little
pallet for her or pull out bed right
next to the bed or if she decides I'm
not getting out of the bed and most
women said I ain't getting out the bed
you get out of the bed then he can turn
the other way and sleep across the bed
at the bottom or he can get out the bed
and sleep on the floor he should not
leave the room he should go ahead and
sleep on the floor but not leave the
room and I know ladies think it's funny
but it's his bed it's his bed and again
this goes back to the point that the man
is doing his job meaning that he's
providing for his family if he's
providing for his family then it is his
bed and if his wife is helping in that
then there's going to be a problem
because whenever the economics are mixed
then it's not clear of whose property it
is you know the man should make sure
that he provides everything he can for
his family to avoid confusion okay so
now he he stopped sleeping with her but
this is only in the bedroom the children
should know the neighbors should know
this shouldn't be something that's
public knowledge everybody in the mid is
talking about it she's on the floor on
the phone talking to her friends he's on
the phone talking to his friends and
business is being played out in the
street this is just going to cause
jealousy this is just going to cause
people to give them the evil eye this is
going to cause the Shan to get involved
and to further sour their situation how
about the Mother-in-law the close
sister family members even them they
shouldn't be getting involved it depends
on the family member that's to the
discretion of the husband yeah all that
revolves because remember a woman is
bound to obey her husband and she is
a and he is he is a covering for her so
if he doesn't want his business spread
out to his his other relatives then she
doesn't have a right to do that now she
does have a right to seek Islamic
knowledge meaning that if she doesn't
understand something she can call or get
in touch with an IM a knowledgeable
person that he respects she has to go to
someone that he respects it's not going
to work if she goes to someone she
respects and he doesn't respect that
person and if he doesn't respect anyone
then that's his fault you know but she
should go to someone that he respects to
ask what her rights are what she should
do next in this regard and she should
maybe call his father as we see in the
Hadith of the messenger of Allah one of
the wives of one of the sahaba was
having a problem with her husband he was
not sleeping with her he was praying all
night and fasting all day she went to
his father and complained to his father
about the situation when the father came
by and asked how are you doing she
explained to him and in clear terms that
her son what a good son he is but he's
not sleeping with me he's praying all
night and he's fasting all day so the
father understood that and took it to
the messenger of Allah Sall alhi
wasallam and clarified how the son
should behave so then you we that's why
we say that you know but the man has a
right to be obeyed in his house you know
and if the woman is going to say she
wants to be treated like a woman and she
has to behave like a woman and not be
like uh equal to a man to try to fight
him or become physical with him and I'm
always suggesting to woman don't hit
your husband and then when your husband
hit back you call me and say oh he hit
me don't hit no one should hit
okay no if you don't hit then you don't
don't get hit and when not talking about
those women that get abused by men those
men are clearly wrong we're talking
about when it's going both ways and then
the woman try to phase it like he is the
abusive type okay alhamdulillah The Next
Step then is if he's so tired of his
wife he doesn't want to marry her be
married to her
anymore then what they should do is get
a then they should go and get advice
from one person from her family one
person from his family it doesn't have
to be a family member it could be anyone
that they feel is knowledgeable enough
and strong enough and respected enough
to listen to his side or her side and
articulate that between the two hak the
two judges between them and at the same
time if there's those two people whether
respected or not don't have Islamic
knowledge then they should introduce the
third person the Imam or the scholar to
listen to what they come up with and
talk to those two people outside of the
two married people the husband and wife
and they should then decide what should
be the next steps if the next step is
that the husband should take some advice
and do what's told then the husband is
bound to do what he's told you know if
this wife has to change then the wife is
bound to do what she's told if it's
decided that both of them are stubborn
they're not going to do what we tell
them to do or this is not going to solve
the issue we move to the next stage the
next stage is that the husband divorce
the wife how is the divorce going to
happen first thing he has to do we said
he stopped sleeping with her what this
means now he cannot call the first Cry
of divorce until after he has stopped
having intercourse with his wife she has
her
mences okay and then she comes off her
menes and now she's clean from her menes
and he hasn't had sexual intercourse
with her since she's been clean from her
menes so it's clear she's not pregnant
at this time he can name divorce on her
he can say I divorce you or any wording
that would be clear that he's through
and they're no longer going to be
married the Imam should then be brought
in and informed that you divorced your
wife this person divorced his wife why
because when you do it in private it's
not there's no clarity now we bring two
witnesses the Imam is the main witness
here and he Mak ches thein or another
person in her family or his family like
his father or her father or her brother
another male to witness the fact it
doesn't have to be physically there it
can be done throughout the phone then I
always suggest that you talk to the wife
and say wife do you understand that your
husband has divorced you yes he does we
make Clarity all right now he's divorced
her that's the first type of
divorce when that is
there The Voice is not over the rule
with us as teachers as as family
counselors
is this is the general
rule keeping the families together is is
more important and better than
separating them so we find every route
possible to try to keep the family
together so some people say oh we don't
answer all the emails all the emails
about marriage we answer we get because
that is very important you know the
family is the main structure of the
society and as you stated so eloquently
unhealthy family unhealthy Society
broken family busted Society okay so we
want to make sure that the the the the
marriage is does everything that we can
to keep the family together so we start
to do more intervention we always ask
the the people to read certain books
certain literature that we suggest
sometimes the people get stubborn and
say well this is not an Islamic book but
the prophet Sall alhi wasallam said
knowledge is the lost or beneficial
things or the Lost item of the believer
wherever he finds it he picks it up now
she has to
wa what is that it's a term in Arabic
that could mean the pure time when she's
not on her menes or it could mean the
time that she's on her menes it's again
up to the discretion of the scholar the
IM not the husband for the Imam if he's
on the interpretation that it's three
periods now the three periods start even
though he divorced her after she was
clear one month that's not counted when
she has her next mensis that's
considered one then the second menes
that's considered two the third one
that's considered three some those who
consider the Kuru her Menses those that
consider the pure period her Menses now
it takes a longer period of time she has
her menes she comes off that's one she
has a m she comes off that's two she has
a m she comes off that's three okay so
then it depends on how that Imam is
deciding to count how she's pregnant
which could drag out to five months it
could even take a lot longer if the
woman is irregular in her menes because
just because she's a regular and doesn't
have her menes every month or something
like that doesn't mean that we rush we
still wait this she could be pregnant
and if she's pregnant then the the the
the period of her her her we call this
the this waiting period and the waiting
period has to be explained as well but
if she's pregnant the waiting period is
not just until she gives birth but when
she's finished giving her postpartum
bleeding okay when she finishes giving
her postpartum bleeding okay
so the period this period should be done
in the home the wife doesn't say okay
I'm divorced well I'm leaving I'm going
back to my mother's house no she doesn't
leave she can't go anywhere she stays in
the home and he doesn't leave either
they are forced to be under the same
circumstances why because then that
might lead we said it might lead them to
come back together he's mad at her right
now but then when he sees her in her
lingerie he falls in love with her and
remembers why he wants to be with her
the prophet sallallah alaihi wasallam
said you don't like dislike something in
a believing lady except if there's
something else that you like about her
okay so you may not like the fact that
she said something foul to you but then
in the Salah you forgot an Ayah and she
recites that Ayah and reminds it to you
and you remember that you love her Dean
that she remember that iron she reminded
you you may want to stay together just
because of that or because you can't
decide who gets the cat you know we had
a situation some people they didn't they
wanted to get divorced but they couldn't
decide who gets the cat so they stayed
together so whatever thing is that we
can find to keep the people together
they stay together so they're in the
home together they have to sleep in the
same bedroom if they want to separate
the beds we can't force them there's we
don't have any control but we want them
to sleep in the same bed with each other
perhaps that might encourage them to
stay married anything that would make
them break the breaks the he can kiss
her on the cheek and say you know I love
you you know you know I'm sorry I'm
don't want to divorce you he could say
you're not divorced anymore he he
doesn't even have to say anything if he
can make her understand that he's not
going to divorce her the is broken and
they're no longer divorced and we try to
do anything that we can do to keep the
people together okay let's take a break
and we'll continue more with this very
important topic here on the dean show so
Ty right back I came from a science
major when you look at the Bible it says
the the Earth has four
corners that's wrong
if any Christian can point out a single
unequal statement a single unambiguous
statement where Jesus Christ peace be
upon himself say that I am God say
worship me I'm ready to accept
[Music]
Christianity back here on the dean show
and we're going to have to cut short we
just want to wrap it up now because I
mean these are long topics but we just
want to stimulate people that you know
what the same way that you go to a
doctor when you have an ailment you have
a disease you know you don't mix some
formula together and in chemicals and
then you just experiment we have the
rebating word of God the Quran and we
have the authentic sayings of the last
and final messenger everything is there
and Scholars people such as yourself who
deduce everything from the Divine
guidance and we have everything it's
clear we don't have to go guest work we
don't have to go to the coffee shop and
get advice we don't go have to go to
water fountain the water fountain we can
come straight to people such as yourself
and the teachers because isn't it true
that the the profits didn't didn't leave
money or weal but they left the
knowledge right it's true so we want to
sit with people of knowledge so
summarize everything in this last minute
that we have uh on this topic well you
know it's a very difficult topic to
summarize in one word or in in a minute
so like you said we have the people that
like okay we have a website admin atth
fix. org or the my fix. org and on that
website we provide marital counseling
people are in a rush to break up a
marriage marriage is one of the most
important institutions in Islam the
prophet Sall alhi wasallam said it is
the most important contract you can make
after the shahada because afterward you
know ladies become lawful for you and by
the word of Allah so we want to make
sure that we fulfill that thing if
someone has some marital problems they
can contact us if someone wants to learn
about how to get marriage they can
contact us at the f.org or my fix. org
or check us out on the web and we'll
help them through the long route of
marital you know collusion thank you
very much thank you too thank you for
being with us may God Almighty Allah
reward
you and thank you for tuning in to
another episode of the dean show
marriage it's so important it's so
important it's half your Dean you find
that right spouse husband or wife and
now you want to make sure that you're
living according to the guidelines
there's no guesswork everything is there
you extra kind to your wife and wives
you respect your husband you respect
each other and you live in peace and
Harmony and that's when you get the
Tranquility Within each other try to
avoid all this this unnecessary
discourse unnecessary argumentation you
know try to really
adhere adhere to the Quran adhere to the
guidelines that the last and final
messenger peace be upon him he told us
to adhere to but you got to get the
knowledge you got to seek the knowledge
and live it so you can be successful in
this life and definitely in the next
Jenna Paradise is we're striving for
this life is short it can end at any
time and we want to get to Jenna that's
the Ultimate Prize until next time peace
be unto
[Music]
you show us the
way to Allah's
Grace this is the
de de of
Islam