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the dean show greetings of Peace welcome
to the dean show Dean show you're tuning
in this week we're going to talking
about teens Rebellion Solutions major
sign M minor signs for example has your
teen already changed his or her name are
they more inclined to the trends of
what's cool and fitting in are they
being disrespectful with a foul tongue
towards you your mother your father and
many of these other minor signs some of
them that we want to get a grasp on in
the beginning so you can be aware of
these things so now you can nip it in
the bud before it gets bigger and you
got bigger problems with my next guest
with over 35 years experience to talk
about Muslim teens teens in general
rebellion and the solution here on the
dean show we'll be right back this is
the
this is the
the this
the this is
the this is the this is
the is
the this is
the this is the is the
D this is
theel this is the
peace be with
you how are you doing
shd how are you brother alhamdulillah
all thanks to the creator of heavens and
earth who's blessed us to be here
together and you're the author of over
12 books 35 years experience plus and
the book that you've written many books
one of them we'll be discussing today is
when uh teens Muslim teens Rebel how did
you end up writing a book like this what
motivated you well actually writing
books has a story when we first came to
Canada myself and wife back in
1973 were involved with the community in
Islamic work right from were building
our first MOS there in
Ottawa and couple of things happened you
know uh we attended one of the camps for
uh uh children Muslim children and we
noticed that their behavior was
completely
unacceptable and we
that that really worried
us this going to happen to our we didn't
have children then this is going to have
to happen to our children if we stay in
Canada that's that's that's too much
then also we received an invitation for
dinner from one of the mashallah very
committed Muslims working very hard in
in in in in building this new mosc
building in Otawa Canada and Subhan
Allah he invited other brothers and
sisters who were involved in the project
and with their families and we saw how
the teenagers are behaving and that was
an alarming signal for us this is
completely
unacceptable and we started worrying is
this going to happen to us if we stay in
this country or not and that okay for
sure they are behaving this way because
of certain reasons what could be the
reasons let's try find out so start
reading in depth about my my my wife has
a background child psychology also so
she's a medical doctor as a background
child psychology so start I start
reading in in the from the religious
aspect of it in the S Sun of the Prophet
wasallam the Quran anything that have to
do with parenting with with raising
children and my wife also start talking
about the from the child psychology
point of view and we started marrying
this together and we worked very hard
with our children we had children to
make sure that in when they are not
going to end up uh using for language or
challenging their parents if they have a
question we we encourage them to ask no
problem but it has to be poed in a in a
nice tone no rudess and I think we did a
good job uh we have four children all of
them are are very active Muslims and
working very hard they are all parents
now and they are raising their children
now so alhamdulillah I think it worked
very good and so one of the things we
used to do is whenever we go to any
Islamic Gatherings conventions
conferences workshops we take our
children with us and so those adults who
interact with
them they start asking us what did you
do masallah they are such nice kids you
know so we Al we're lucky we tried out
this you but one incident that just hit
us and said that we really have to share
our experience with the rest of the
Muslim Community one of our daughters
were uh graduating from midle school and
the same school most of our children
they went to the same school so the vice
principal during the graduation ceremon
she was called to the stage 67 time
she's a top academic achiever top this
top that and and so the vice principal
during the refreshment time she
approached us and said Aram that's my
wife's name tell me your
secrets how did you end up having good
children like this I saw humbly said we
were just lucky you know she said no you
could be lucky with one child two
children but four of them you must have
done some something right and I advise
you that you share it with your
community so when she said this we're
thinking about you know putting together
something so we can share it with the
community so we start thinking now I
think this signal from Allah subhana T
that we really have to do something
serious to share our experience with the
community what can we do so starting
doing uh just for
Mom would GA the ladies in we speak to
them just for dads gather them in and
speak to them but that was not enough
you know so we we we started said okay
maybe we should write a
book and that was back in 1993 when we
started putting together all the
information that was the first book
meeting the challenge of parenting in
the an Islamic
perspective and alhamdulillah it was
published in
1998 during the is conven in St Louis
Missour it was the first book on
parenting written by
Muslims that tackled the problems here
in North America and soon enough you
know start getting requests from
different people to come and do
workshops for them and we realize that
from these workshops and the question
that we received that teens problem are
what's in the mind of most of the
parents that's why we said okay we wrote
the second book Muslim teens today's
worry Tomorrow's
Hope a practical Islamic parenting guide
uh and uh then after this we wrote uh uh
peaceful marriage uh then we wrote the
uh the other book parenting skills based
on Quran and Sunnah then we wrote I
wrote this this one which was uh uh
actually a series of lectures that I did
uh actually in Chicago yes and so people
the they were very pleased with that
said why don't you put please put it in
a box so I I I put it in a book format
and I I wrote this one after this so
this is the story of getting to writing
books on parenting Alam has been very
rewarding uh and and we received lots of
uh uh thanks and gratitude from parents
who uh you know you these books and we
make to Allah subhana thanking him that
we're able to be contributing part to
our Muslim Community in North America in
the area of of the family issues and
parenting we're going to take a break
and we got a lot more we're going to get
into the nitty and gritty and a lot of
the other signs minor and major that you
cover in your book how you can grasp the
problem before it gets even yes bigger
here on the Dean show Muslim teens gone
rebelling trying to bring them back
we'll be here to cover all this and more
on the dean show don't go anywhere
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below back here on the dean show Shake
tell us now how do you stay updated we
know doctors and people in any
profession they go for continuous
training to be updated on some of the
new developments but we see in this
development stage of technology is
progressing but moral immorality is also
is is um increasing immorality morality
is decreasing so how do you stay updated
with the current trends what's new
what's out there so you can adapt to the
teens yeah well actually we one of the
main sources of knowing the problems of
teens is your own children themselves if
you create a very good poor and you
become an approachable parent
approachability is very very important
in the relation with your team and you
allow them to come back to you with any
question uh and and you discuss with
them and you you you you let the make
sense of what's going on you will be a
very good source of information for you
about what's happening in the team's
life of course also you can for the
internet now and as other books and
programs and TV you can you can pick up
bits and pieces from these uh areas also
but I want to get back to uh being
approachable parent many of us uh
particularly those who came from an
Eastern background uh our um idea of a
good child that he doesn't ask a
question he's quiet he doesn't talk to
you and as a matter of fact when he
talks to you he he has to do this he's
not he should look and I although this
is not right you know this is not what
was recommended by theam used to speak
to people right there and they will talk
back with him you know uh so uh many of
the parents because of this idea which
is has nothing to do with Islam they do
not allow their children to ask a
question why are you asking about this
soon as why are you asking about this uh
no don't this is not your business don't
don't ask about this every question is
an opportunity for us parents to know
something about what's going on in the
mind of our child every question is an
opportunity for us to help this child to
be in the right on to put him in the
right direction so it's very important
that we encourage our children
particular our teens to come back to us
and speak to us about anything in their
life and this wouldn't happen unless un
we provide the positive healthy family
atmosphere that we talked about in the
session of the BL marriage unless we may
create a very good relationship with our
children so they feel very comfortable
coming back and speaking to us so if
your child come to you and tell you
something that you think it is wrong he
shouldn't have done it don't try to on
the how come you do this don't you know
and become angry just take a mental note
in your mind and listen to him let him
open up and speak and tell you
everything about it and take a mental
note in your mind that there is a
specific problem that you have to deal
with and later deal with it properly see
what are you going to do about but never
just on the spot hit him right there how
come you do this you are not but don't
you know you are a Muslim don't you
should this is not the proper way to to
handle it keep this channel of
communication
open this is the key to
having your child trusting you and
listening to you and thinking after you
so be an approachable parent that's very
important being an approachable parent
now we mentioned uh some of the signs uh
maybe the the the Muslim identity is
being um covered by a name change you
cover that in your book uh also the
disrespectful tongue towards the parents
are these you mentioned are these minor
or major signs and H how do you how do
you work with this now these are are Bor
signs that that you can detect right
away and you can try to help your child
to get rid of these signs there are
other major signs when when when your
your child starts skiing schools when
your child start you feel that he's not
focusing maybe he is on drugs or
something like this uh when he joins bad
groups and things like these are are
other signs and all of this happened
because of the environment the culture
around and the prophet
wasam warned us about environment he
said it has a huge impact on us on our
behavior in one of
his every newborn is born in a in a
state of pure in it nature and it is his
parents the first circle of environment
that can change this
nature
and make him a Jew make him a Christian
make him
so environment is very very serious
that's why uh in in in our workshops we
we give comparison between the popular
teens
culture and what is the focus there what
are the Norms there and what we want
from our childr as Muslims so like that
extreme selfish individuality it's part
of the Norms of popular teams culture
what's that called again extreme selfish
individuality oh yes yes big time Big
Time let's let's like physical
Indulgence they want instant
gratification anything that that
brings in their mind happiness to them
they can do without respect to anything
else they want uh following fashion and
following the popular group all the time
uh when they make any decision they they
they don't think about the consequences
of their decision forget about the
consequences in this life let alone the
consequences there after you
know respect to Authority is not there
you don't respect their parents you
don't respect their teachers their
leaders no so these are norms for the
popular Western culture if you look at
what we want to instill in our children
we want them to have family ties and
family values we want them to think
before they make a decision make sure
that this decision is going to please
Allah subhana tala it in this life as
well as in the herea want them to uh
Elevate themsel asish their body the
Nish also their Spirit we want them to
respect their Elders parents teachers
imams and so on and so forth so certain
values we want to instill in our
children Family Ties and um Community
Values we want them to think before they
make the decision and their decision
will please Allah subhana tala and the
consequences in this life as well as the
Hereafter are good consequences want
them to respect their Au their parents
want them to respect their parents their
teachers their imams and so on and so
forth so we can see that a big uh
difference between the popular te
culture norms and the Norms or the
teaching want our children and poor
teens are right there stuck between a ro
andard place as they say because the
potin car is pushing them from one side
and our parents are pushing them from
other side parents have to understand
that they are under tremendous peer
pressure and try try to help them and in
we can talk more about how to help them
with this peer pressure inshah we'll be
right back with more to cover this very
very important topic we talking about
peer pressure when we come back here on
the dean show don't go anywhere please
subscribe to the dean show follow us on
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below back here on the dean show so
Shake tell us let's assume you're doing
everything right okay it's a whole
different story if you're not even
living by the guidance that's been sent
down from the Quran and the Sunnah and
let's say that you're you're trying your
best even with all the back home
cultures you're trying to eradicate
those things but now just given the
environment so you have the perfect
that's from the Sunnah and you're trying
to implement this in your house but now
and you're teaching your children to
verbatim word of God the Quran the
Sunnah good good characters manners
etiquette all this but now they go
outside the house and now peer pressure
yes is this just impossible no it is not
impossible uh pure PR pressure uh could
be positive and could be negative and
that's where the parents and Community
role comes uh usually the teen is
surrounded with three Circles of uh peer
pressure the first circle is his
siblings and his very close friends this
is the first circle around him the
second circle is his
classmates and friends in general then
the third circle is the teens of the
society he may not not uh know them
indiv individual but he knows what's
happening you know what kind of movies
he like to go to he know that they hang
out in the M you know the way they
behave so he surrounding surrounded with
these three circle of environment and
the the the first Circle has the most
effect on him in terms of peer pressure
so if we succeed in in in in making this
first Circle a group of good Muslim that
he can interact with who have the same
interests who uh can they can help him
and they can apply positive peer
pressure on him and in the same time
they can act as a shelter between him
and the two other sources of negative
peer pressur coming from the classmates
and from the teens culture in general
and that's
where uh Community comes in like
establishing youth centers like the
project you have here the self defense
because things you learn from
interaction from activity is very
difficult to make them sit and give them
a lecture get them involved in an in in
an activity they learn much more Camp
camps are very very important so Islamic
camps Youth Center uh self-defense
activities like the one you have here
all these things will will create this
good first circle of environment for the
team to ENT act with and to help
protecting him from the negative peer
pressure coming from the other circles I
I always encourage all communities to
try to whenever they are building a new
Center focus make sure that youth are
your focus in this Center it is much
easier to have like a big G magesium
uh and then at the Salah time you can
all pre the gism but if you just build a
mosque as just a mosque and without
place for the activity of the youth you
are not really helping solving the
problem so it's very important that we
have youth centers we train youth
counselors to understand with you and be
approachable and talk to them help them
make sense out of everything and and
then there are other things that parents
can do like take them for Spiritual
trips to Al for example that leaves a
such
wonderful uh impression on them and they
they they made the reality here they are
living in a cocoon you know yes in a
bubble and everything is given
technology is right there in their homes
but when you take them out for for
Spiritual visits to some of these uh
sacred places it it leaves such
wonderful impact on them also the the
they see others how they live coming
from different countries if if you are
if your home country or the country you
came from is is is in the Middle East or
or in the Far East go for regular visits
there so they can see the reality of
life because here they are not really
they have the sense of entitlement that
everything they can get for free from
their parents and this is not not a
right uh thing to leave in their mind
you know uh before we leave few more
points before we cut out on this episode
of the dean show tell us is there an age
now that when a child now becomes a
young adult we call him in today's
society teen that it's natural to Rebel
is this just something that goes to the
the the natural makeup is this natural
yeah part of it but not but if you can
tame it you can tame it from early age
if you have the right training you have
the right approach with your child you
can tame it at early age and he wouldn't
need to Rebel but I think most of the
rebellious will be coming from either
the parents are not using the right
approach they are
not too much restrictive uh they are not
considering the age of the you don't
understand what they are going through
because during this teenage years
there's lots of change physiologically
inside the hormones Allah is is
preparing this person to move from the
childhood stage to the adulthood stage
and they are aspiring for Independence
they are aspiring for for to assert
their independence actually not just
Independence they are aspiring to make
their own decision yet they are not at
at a stage they can fully do this so it
is very important that we try to
understand the psychology and the phical
change that the teen is going on and and
and be very careful because they become
very moody and sensitive particularly to
the uh comments of their parents so
parents have to be very careful many
times we say things
jokingly to the child but it leaves a
very bad mark on his personality so we
have to be very careful what kind of
comments are we saying we have to give
them the support needed we have to with
them within good groups give them
spiritual uh uh trips to different
places and and and most importantly be
an approachable parent let them feel
they can come to you any time with
anything they have in their mind
because you will ask these questions to
other if you are not an approach of
parents and you don't know what kind of
answer they are going to get and you
don't want to put your children in this
kind of of uh of situation for people
who want to go ahead and reach out you
do these free Workshop parenting
workshops tell us about this in the last
minute we have and how people can also
learn more about your work yes if uh any
Community want to have us coming and do
a workshop just send us an email through
the website
www.family.com send an email and say we
want uh a workshop and also in the
website you'll have the different kind
of workshops we do the most important
one is the first one which is
prequisites for all the others which is
posted parenting skill based on Quran
and Sunnah and that takes a whole day
one day and all we do it for free
alhamdulillah all what we ask the
community is to pay our transportation
expenses put them in a put put us in a
modest hotel when we come to you and in
we will try to give you
the uh tentative dates where will be
available then we can take it from there
inshallah but we don't charge any
booking fees don't charge any uh speaker
fees with in
honorarium we try to do it for the sake
of Allah if you want to do something
give some donation to a good cause on
our
that's all what we're asking you to do
thank you very much for being with us
may the creator of heavens and earth
reward you thank you so
much and that was our guest author of
when Muslim teens Rebel get the book get
educated get empowered because through
this knowledge and experience of the
experts now inshallah God willing we can
become better parents we can become
better Muslims we can become better
human beings and then we'll get closer
to our ultimate goal Jenna as a family
working and functioning together so we
can produce better results to be better
functioning Muslims in a better Society
for a better tomorrow follow us stay in
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show we'll see you next time God willing
until then peace be with you please
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