New York bestselling author we're going
to do the mythbuster quiz how's
that for
the people are you ready for
[Music]
the
[Music]
my New York bestselling
author Laura do how are you I'm great
it's good to be here thanks for having
me back thank you for being with us
we're g to get we're going to keep it
exciting we're going to get into a quiz
you do a quiz in your book been on on
many of the syndicated uh mainstream uh
media Outlets talking about you know the
success that you've had we'll get into
the science behind it I want to ask you
about that but I want to make it fun
here where people can participate
wherever they're tuning in if you're
with your your beloved spouse angry
spouse whatever and they're tuning in
and now they're going to take uh we're
going to do the mythbuster quiz how's
that all right true or true or false and
now I'm going to I'm going to go ahead
and ask the question that you have
straight from your book empowered wife
I'm going to ask the question and then
give the right answer and then you'll
com comment on it how's that okay so the
first one we're get into is now you guys
at home now you're going to be uh don't
cheating all right so you keep score on
your own I can't keep it for you so true
or false all right these are Myth
Busters I'm going ask the question and
then either it's true or false and then
tally it up and see who wins at the end
first one you ready all right marriage
is hard work you guys got right now two
seconds you done okay answer is false
and you go ahead and comment I been
married for 25 years and my marriage is
a soft place to land waitressing is hard
work uh writing a book is hard work uh
working out is hard work but uh uh
marriage is a piece of cake and then you
say uh now that I have the right skills
key Point here can you go ahead and take
it from here absolutely before I learned
the intimacy skills my marriage did feel
like hard work because we were bickering
all the time we were buting heads a lot
in fact I I was right on the break of
divorce but if you think about it if you
gave a 16-year-old the keys to the car
because you said oh you're 16 now you're
old enough to drive and you never had
them take any driving lessons or learn
the rules of the road they would
probably crash the car too and they
would go wow driving is really dangerous
and they'd be right and so my
relationship felt really hard just
because I didn't have the right training
but now is this is where I find out that
I'm beautiful and special and wonderful
and get hugs and kisses and bedroom
light so I it seems really easy now that
I know the rules of the road yeah you
you talk about that in your book I mean
if you if you how many accidents will we
have if you just like what you talk
about you threw the keys to the to the
people driving they didn't go through
the classes the rules of the road and
you know how to be a responsible driver
and mo most people get into marriage you
know uh and we don't have we don't have
what you talk about those necessary
skills yeah it's absolutely true in fact
when I first learned about him I was
really kind of upset at my female
relatives you know my moms and my
grandma's I mean my mom and my grandma's
rather because I thought why didn't they
just tell me this information but sadly
I don't think they knew it either I
think it really is kind of a secret in
that most people don't know the intimacy
skills that's why it's so important to
me to make sure every woman hasn't
because I really suffered
unnecessarily um you know when I was in
college there was no relationships one
one class and my textbooks were Cosmo
magazine and Glamour magazine and of
course that didn't get me the kind of
relationship that I dreamed of the one
that I have now yeah okay so that's you
guys uh either you said true or false
you called that uh one of the
MythBusters that it doesn't have to be
because that that's another important
thing I mean you come home and you've
worked all day and Vi at the husband or
wife you you don't that is I mean really
draining psychologically you could have
had a long eight hour day but now to be
fighting and bickering that becomes a
lot of work you know managing all that
stuff so it shouldn't be like that huh
and the six intimacy skills help to give
you the skills to be able to make it
where it's not like a full-time job it's
not that hard
strenuous that's right in fact one of
the things that we see a lot is that
women will say my husband's always
working all he does is spend his time at
work and sometimes it's because the
husband just feels more successful at
work he feels like he's getting more
positive reinforcement and more respect
and so that's a more appealing
environment for him than being at home
and then once she starts using the six
intimacy skills I hear reports like oh
he comes home from work early now just
to spend time with me so it can make a
big difference yeah you keep the man uh
many many people they end up at the pub
or somewhere else they people don't want
to go home but now with these with these
uh uh six these principles intimacy
skills hopefully uh we can get uh things
changed God willing okay moving on to
next this a quiz now okay straight from
her book uh we're going to go to the
next
one husbands and wives have to give okay
have you heard this one husbands and
wife have to give and take equally for a
marriage to succeed okay now look at
each other false or true what's your
answer and I'll give you the one the
correct one according to Lura Doyle f
false all right and then you comment the
more women receive graciously from their
husbands and focus on their own
happiness the more successful the
marriage will be please elaborate on
this well around here I say it's about
100 to one with my husband giving and um
providing and hugging and kissing and
making my tea and putting gas in my car
like I do one thing and he gives me
about a hundred back so feels really
uneven and that was very awkward for me
at first I thought because I had been
trained that first of all marriage was
hard work and that you it was 5050 or
sometimes you hear people say it's 100
100 everyone has to give 100% And so I
thought that that meant that I should
buy my husband's socks and underwear and
help him with his resume and show him
how to dress and how to eat healthier
and how to make a budget and all of that
was just causing distance it was causing
strife between us because what my
husband really wanted was to first of
all make me happy which he does by doing
all these wonderful things for me and he
also wanted my respect and admiration
for all the things and the ways that he
took care of me and so it was much it
was such a relief to find out that that
is a much better arrangement for both of
us because I want to be taken care of
and I want to feel desired and I'm happy
to let him do that and that's what he
wants to do too so it was a real eye
opener for me it was actually pretty
shocking
to find out that I don't have to keep up
with all that he's doing for me I like
what you you mentioned here F focusing
when when an individual focuses on their
own happiness uh instead of trying to
make it dependent on someone else you
highlight that it's it's important that
you focus on making yourself happy
rather than leaving yourself powerless
depending on someone else for that
happiness yeah sadly I had gotten into
this terrible R where I was really
concerned with the house cleaning and my
job and um all the paying all the bills
and a lot of responsibilities and I had
turned into a martyr you know my my
mother on her worst day where I just
didn't have much happiness in my life
and I thought it was my husband's fault
I thought it was his job to make me
happy and even as I say that too it's
kind of embarrassing like where did I
get that idea of course that important
job is mine and when I focus on that job
of making myself happy
that's when I become really attractive
to my husband I'm never hotter all of us
women when I'm singing dancing smiling
laughing then he just wants to pile on
he's like wow she's really happy I'm GNA
see what I can do to make her even
happier and so it it's a a virtuous
cycle that just kind of takes us higher
and higher when I just take time out to
do frivolous fun I do at least three
things a day as a policy every single
day to make myself happy and some days I
I need even more than that mhm so you're
keeping yourself busy you're not just
waiting around saying okay I'm going to
wait till he comes he'll make me
happy yeah that is sadly what I was
doing before I'm embarrassed to say but
that's exactly what I did and I see a
lot of women get uh stuck in this rut as
well I don't know how we get there but
the solution is to really uh like I make
made a list of 20 things that make me
ridiculously happy when I do them and I
just pick off of that list every day
like okay I'm going to do at least these
three that uh are are not necessarily
productive things right like they only
serve to make me happy like maybe just
having a cup of coffee with a friend or
talking to my sister on the phone or
playing volleyball or um singing at the
top of my lungs for example all those
things are just to make me feel good but
they serve my marriage
magically uh that's only two we're going
to continue on with the quiz we're going
to continue having fun with this but
this is something serious as as you
highlight your mission
is to
help uh and you and you mention this in
your your book your your exact words so
miss quotum is sharing you know and
we're helping also to share that vision
of to end World divorce I mean I don't
know if we'll get it 100% but if we can
get that number down because it's
happening every 13 seconds every 13
seconds someone is getting
divorced yeah it's really tragic and I
just remember for myself when I was
there and wanted to divorce my husband
how pain it was and also now looking
back how unnecessary it was because now
I'm married to the man of my dreams it's
the same man it's the same man okay
we're going to take a break and and when
we're done with the quiz I'm going to
prove to you that there's science behind
this okay because it's all about science
and whatnot so this is not just her
opinion this has been tested thousands
of Pete you're an
international uh coach on this helping
people from all thousands of of women uh
get desired cherished loved and adored
and is a great success right we'll talk
about that when we come back we got to
finish the quiz don't go anywhere we'll
be right
back only one mam is his
messenger
Allah there's only one God and Jesus was
his
messenger back on the dean show with
bestselling New York Times author Laura
Doyle with the new book
owered wife the empowered wife thank you
again for being on the D show oh it's my
pleasure to be here thanks for having me
thank you let you ready to continue are
you guys ready you're ready continue
with the
quiz we were at number two let's go on
to another one women have more okay so
this these are MythBusters true or false
is it a reality or fantasy
false or fiction true or false women
have more influence than men on whether
a relationship will be connected and fun
or distant go ahead think about it true
you got it that's what it is Laura uh
Doyle she goes on to say women are
keepers of the relationship and have
much power over the culture in the home
please comment on this well absolutely
if you think about it from the time we
start uh the courtship really men are
asking women out so we have a lot of
power it's almost like you're let's say
you're the director of the Broadway show
you get to say okay this dancer is in or
that one's out we're auditioning men for
the rule so that's a very powerful
position and then it it continues as a
relationship develops we We Are The
Gatekeepers for uh sex and then it turns
out that we also initiate the most
divorce some studies show it's as high
as 90% among College Ed educated women
where the woman has initiated the
divorce so the person who's willing to
walk away unfortunately also has the
most power in the relationship and
because men want to make us happy you
know I've asked thousands of men this
question I'll say how important is it to
you that your wife is happy in fact let
me ask you that question let's just
let's just get it on on the table right
here how important is it to you it's
huge yeah yeah and so all men say the
same thing they say it's h across the
that's across the board it's I mean you
have you have you you have I mean we're
we're we're we're we're going for it's
like uh the standard but you know you
obviously have exceptions to every rule
but we're talking about the standard
right you know well of all the men I've
asked thousands of men that I've asked
they all said the same thing they all
said it's like the most important thing
it's everything so there have you had
some oddballs out or it's pretty much
100% I've never once had anyone say
anything any man say anything except in
the UK they said it's imperative so all
over the world it seems to be the same
thing and so because men just want to
make us happy we have we hold the key if
we make ourselves happy then he's happy
and we're happy and then the
relationship is happy and it kind of
stands to reason that only happy people
have happy relationships why she says
why isn't he then making me happy if you
miss Laura Doyle you know you seem to
know it all why isn't he making me happy
that is a great question and that was
see I believe that my husband didn't
care about my happiness early in the
morning have you have you had those
situations where someone would get a
little attitude and snippy with you and
it say
course absolutely and rightly so you
know I think that's the great thing
about the intimacy skills it's like test
them out see if they work for you that's
what I did at first too I just started
experimenting in my marriage but my
husband couldn't make me happy for two
reasons one was that I was unpleasable
in fact it's now um someone asked him
recently like what's the number one
quality you want in a wife and he said
pleas ability he wanted to be able to
please me and I wasn't pleas no matter
what he did I found fault with it like
he would clean the kitchen and I'd go um
well what about you didn't wipe off the
counters so what are you gonna do that
right there wasn't much appreciation and
the other piece was that he knew that I
was not very respectful I didn't think
very highly of my husband I felt that I
was the smarter one I had this
superiority complex I thought gosh I'm
just a little I have a little more
common sense than he does and I'm just a
little better at practically everything
because I like having things my way and
um I'm not proud to say that because uh
and through this journey I've gained
some humility I'm happy to say and I
didn't even understand why I would want
that before I didn't I didn't know why
you'd want to be humble H and now I can
appreciate oh I'll give you an example
this just happened we're getting ready
for our tax appointment and the previous
tax year we had put in new windows and
air conditioning and um my husband's
kind of famous for like that's a tax
deduction you know and I'm always like
oh no you know how is that a tax
deduction and he said well we make all
of your videos here in the house and the
windows helped us soundproof the house
and the air conditioning made it so we
can tape on hot days without you you
know dripping with sweat which happens
where we live now sometimes so um after
he explained it I was like oh maybe that
is I mean I don't know we brought it to
the CPA and he'll figure it out but I
don't always know I'm not the big smarty
pants that I thought that I was MH
beautiful uh that really um is I like
what you said you said uh unpleasable I
mean I've I've had people say that look
no matter what I try there's no pleasing
this person uh so this is really
profound let's move on to number that
was three right how you guys doing now
okay see at the end you'll be able to
tally it up and see uh uh who want the
quiz let's move on to number four a
happy wife is often willing to have
intimate relations with her husband even
if she is not in the mood true or false
guys true or
false
true and Laura Doyle comments on this
why would you want to pass up the
opportunity to feel desired to feel
pleasure and to connect with your
husband physically emotionally and spir
spiritually just because you don't start
out in the mood doesn't mean you won't
end up there please uh comment on this
well because my husband just wants to
make me happy and this also applies in
the bedroom and one of the things that I
wasn't very good at in my early
relationship was saying what I wanted
and just even knowing what I wanted was
kind of a problem at first and so I
think what happens so for for the women
who are listening thinking ew oh my gosh
you know he'd wanton it every day twice
a day or i' never and we' never stop um
you know be in bed all the time so of
course you are always in charge of your
own body you always get to say what's
right for you but I just know that um
this part that happens in the bedroom is
what differentiates a a romantic
relationship from every other
relationship that you have you might
snuggle with your kids and you might
share things that are really emotionally
sensitive with your sister or your
friends but the one thing that separates
a marriage and makes it special is this
physical relationship that we have so
it's something that uh when it goes
missing does um some irreparable harm to
the emotional connection as well as
you're passing up this opportunity to
have amazing physical pleasure and just
connection so if it's not that enjoyable
for you if it feels like a chore right
now then I just invite you to consider
the things that would make it more
pleasurable for you and then you can say
those things to him outside the bed you
could be out for a walk or having dinner
and you could be having this really uh
sensual conversation about what pleases
you and how how you would be delighted
and he is taking notes on that he is
like aha okay now I know what my wife
really likes and so as you go along and
continue to express those desires and
then reinforce him when he's successful
with it the whole uh that aspect of your
relationship can really um become so
much more satisfying and gratifying
okay that was number four let's move on
to number five you talk about here so
this is true or false we're busting the
myths if something your husband is doing
if it's bothering you it's best to be
honest and to say it directly all right
some's bothering you just tell them let
them know what it is is this is true or
false and you say in your book empowered
wife false you actually say it's false
you don't have to suffer indefinitely
but criticism has a chilling effect on
intimacy and there's always a better way
to get what you want please explain
explain this answer to us well so
99.9% of the time when my husband's
getting on my very last nerve and I just
want to tell him to knock that off if
he's talking on the phone loud or if
he's chewing with his mouth open or
something like that it really is a
reflection of my own self-care that's
gone lacking like I'm on edge already
maybe I need a nap or maybe I need to go
for a walk I need to do something to
make myself happy because of course my
husband's a mere mortal man once no
while he's gonna do something that could
be irritating and for the most part when
I make myself happy it's Absolut I don't
care it's no big deal like I'm I'm busy
doing my thing and I'm not really
focused on the minute details of what my
husband's doing so it's almost always a
sign and I'll ask my clients my clients
will come on the the call and say oh my
husband um you know let the let the kids
eat sugar and stay in their pajamas and
watch cartoons all morning you know he's
I can't even trust him as a parent and
I'll say something like yeah how's your
self-care and she'll be like oh my gosh
I haven't had any I'm exhausted I'm
overwhelmed I'm overw worked there's too
much to do and then when we set that
right all of a sudden her husband goes
back to being this great guy that she
married okay that was five was that five
we were at five we're going to take a
few more and just giving you Taste of
what's in this this book and uh we'll
get into the science behind it and a few
more things on this exciting episode
with Lord doyo bestselling New York
Times author here on the dean show don't
go
anywhere only muham is his messenger
Allah
Allah there's only one God and Jesus was
his
Messer welcome back to the dean show I'm
with Laura Doyle the empowered
wife okay hope you guys are having fun
we're having a nice quiz and these are
I'm just we're giving you a taste of
what's in the book much of benefit but
as uh Wayne Dyer once said I don't if
you know about him uh he said either for
the mind to work it has to be
functioning like a parachute it has to
be
open and this is is extremely important
I I understand you know if you just came
on and you're giving your opinion
because of you know your experience
maybe in just one or two relationship
but you have been a international
relation coach for how long now uh 18
years whoa 18 years okay so 18 years
it's not someone who okay maybe uh you
you were in and out of a marriage you
divorced two three times and someone say
hey look and now she made it work no you
about to divorce you you acquired the
skills you saved your marriage and in
the last program we did you can go and
watch it on our channel uh we talk about
the fallacy now the myth also and about
uh how marriage traditional marriage
counseling actually does more harm than
good and you went through that you talk
about it in your book right which most
people they think okay you go to the to
the marriage counselor and then it's
just like a a bashing Fest can you can
you touch upon this before we get to the
next uh quiz question sure yeah there
were a lot of problems there so I I
dragged my husband to marriage
counseling because I wanted her to fix
him so he would be a good husband so I
could finally be happy because that's
how I thought it worked of course that's
not how it works but it is a hideout for
Hypocrites if I'm honest a lot of us
don't go I wasn't trying to self-examine
I was just wanting her to fix that guy
over there that's never going to work
but the other problem was spending an
hour a week complaining about each other
never made any couple happier and it
certainly didn't work for us and then
the other problem was that because
respect Is Like Oxygen for husbands
would you agree respect is pretty
important absolutely yes okay so the
first thing that we did was I sat in
front of this stranger this therapist
and told her everything that was wrong
with my husband and there's really
nothing more disrespectful I could have
done than to rip him apart in front of
this stranger so I actually dug my hole
a lot deeper that day made him more
defensive and distant which was the
opposite of what I really was trying to
accomplish which was to feel um playful
and connected and restore the passion in
my relationship so just for those three
reasons alone there's more but those are
the top three reasons that marriage
counseling actually does more harm than
good and the tragedy is I didn't know
there were any alternatives to marriage
counseling I don't know that there were
many alternatives to marriage counseling
when we were going and we went for years
we spent thousands of dollars and all it
did was um put us further into the ditch
why do you think uh
nowadays when we go more back I don't I
don't see it where it was like this does
the culture the society today you kind
of you kind of U you go away from what
you just said the RW respect it's like
uh people they've written songs about it
you know you you mention um that one
comedian like I can't get no respect I
remember when we talked about that but
sometimes it's like as soon as even a
man says that even though he's hot wor
like that it's kind of like it seems
like he's saying something demeaning
something wrong like
he yeah and this is I think goes back to
the differences between men and women so
there was definitely um a big faction of
society that was trying to say hey men
and women are the same we're identical
and I was one of those people I get mad
if someone said that men and women are
different because I thought well that
means women are going to lose in the
workplace we need to be equal in order
to succeed and that's just not true now
I can appreciate that I have feminine
gifts that the world needs and my
relationship needs and that I value I
didn't even know what those were but
when you look at the word respect
through a feminine brain a lot of times
we think of it as something you're
obligated to give like to a parent or a
teacher or a boss and um so it's been a
journey for me to really understand what
respect looks like to my husband and
appreciate it I used to think I was
being respectful if I let him know where
I was or I didn't leave a mess and that
had nothing to do with respect for him
for him it was respectful when I didn't
second guess him or try to control him
or try to improve him and I didn't
always have to agree with his thinking
but I honor his thinking and I can do
that by using this magical three-word
phrase that I Rely heavily on these days
and that phrase is I hear you I hear you
just three words but it lets him know I
I'm not agreeing I'm not disagreeing but
I'm bearing witness you know what you
say is important to me I'm taking it on
board I'm giving it consideration I'm
giving it air time and that's because I
respect you so that's one great in fact
I actually use that phrase with almost
everybody I talk to now my my sisters
and you know my friends and the people
on my team because everyone loves to
feel heard and understood yeah I think
that I hear you real these are like
there these are the skills you talk
about techniques and I know as a martial
artist I mean you can really be exerting
a lot of strength if you don't have the
proper technique I could be going at it
a really strong big guy and he's much
stronger bigger let's say he weighs 100
pounds more than me but now if I have
the proper technique I can use science
now leverage and technique to overpower
this person same thing here you can
apply the techniques now that you're
providing you know and through years
18 was it 18 years you said of dealing
with you know different helping people
to avoid divorce and implementing these
techniques and then having the profound
results that you're seeing is truly
amazing let's go on to I believe this is
uh number five we're going we're going
to we're going to there's a lot more
we're just going to do a a couple more
marriages now true or false you guys are
keeping score no cheating okay so as
soon as I read it one will say true one
will say false and then you you can
tally up in your mind write it down and
see who won at the end marriages where
the wife is
feminine soft and the husband is
masculine are highly successful what do
you guys say true or false true or
false and the answer is true and you
mentioned ying and yang go together
beautifully please elaborate on this
well I think there's been this trend
towards like men have to be more
sensitive or whatever and women have to
go out and just you know kill it out in
the world as far as being uh you know
the boss lady at work you know really
kicks some butt out there and um for me
I know when I really get down to it if
I'm really honest one of the most
important things to me is to feel
desired and and to feel loved those are
so important to me and what my husband
is really attracted to is my feminine
mind body and spirit and so the more uh
receptive I am that's the of femininity
by the way is receptivity so when I'm
willing to accept his gifts and
compliments and his help and not just
from him but like from anybody from
everybody in the world um that makes me
so much more attractive and then what
I'm attracted to about him is his
manliness you know there's times when
I'll and it's kind of funny because it
it's such the opposite of feminine that
it looks really strange sometimes and
yet I'm all like you know what that's
hot like he's acting really manly right
now even though um and so and what does
that look like he's like decisive he's
taking initiative right he's
accomplishing things in the world that's
that's super uh exciting for me and so
the way to keep that excitement that
exhilaration in marriage alive is to set
those gender contrasts to high and the
way I can do that is by showing up
really feminine in my relationship now
it doesn't take away from my success in
the world I'm I'm a New York Times
bestselling author and this book The
empowered wife has been made into a a TV
series on Amazon and I I do lotss of
media I've got an international coaching
company um so I'm also uh I'm lifted up
much higher than I would be if I didn't
have this inner strength that I get from
this masculine feminine contrast in my
marriage uh I don't know if you've heard
the the expression uh no man wants uh
another man in the house where you know
exhibiting what you're is is this
correct what you're saying to translate
feminine to being soft to exhibit those
those those those really uh those gifted
qualities that that a woman by her
creators been blessed with to exhibit
more of those that soft nature right she
can melt the man away with that right
absolutely there's there's five unique
gifts of the feminine um one is our
magnetism um our desires because that's
so much the directional for husbands
right they're like what does she want
okay boom that's the direction we're
going right that's how he knows what to
do and what what actions to pursue um
and then as I mentioned receptivity is
the essence of femininity but desire is
the seat of feminine power like the more
you know what you desire and you can
honor that and express it clearly oh my
gosh I mean women can move mountains
without moving a muscle they know what
their desires are right I mean our men
get really inspired to uh fulfill on
those when they know what they are yeah
she uh I there's cases where a woman
just with her with her love to her
husband her voice it's it's it it she
projects it uh in two different
scenarios two different ways and one can
just just render him unconscious and
other way you know the other way she can
just melt him you know in in in in in a
way that only a woman can do to her
husband so it's you know these are those
GI they're really powerful yeah one of
the things that you know I created with
the six intimacy skills is I call them
cheap phrases that help you get into
that that mode right you you use this
phrase and that's going to connect you
to your vulnerability for instance which
is that's another feminine gift is our
emotional Brilliance and then kind of
rely on us uh to bring that
vulnerability that's the part of the uh
Fascination that creates lasting
commitment is comes from our
vulnerability and so it's just uh it's
pretty magic to use these phrases and
have them kind of naturally pull you
into that mode and then you see your you
you see that look on your husband's face
right I just you know I just remember
when I started practicing the skills one
time I came through the door and it fac
L up to see me and I just knew like wow
this is working and uh that's a lot of
what we do with the the intimacy skills
is just use this phrases that put us
into that mode brilliant uh next one
most people get divorced true or false
most people who get divorced are
happier within a few years than they
were when they were Unhappily Married
okay so true or false what do you guys
have to say and laurora tells us false
studies she says studies show that
people are just as unhappy after they
divorce as they were in diffic in a
difficult marriage please elaborate on
this well it kind of stands to reason
that happiness is a personal
responsibility and so for me I made it
about my husband that I was unhappy
because he was right there and I saw him
all the time so I kind of connected
these dots falsely like I'm unhappy
because of him well I was unhappy
because of me sadly and if I had
divorced him I can look back now and it
seems really obvious that I probably
would have found somebody else and gone
through this same exact pattern or I
would have been alone and unhappy just
because that's that was what I was used
to that was my habit so it really uh
took some enormous effort in the
beginning to some Focus to make myself
happy and then of course that went a
long way towards making my relationship
happy along with the other intimacy
skills but you can't expect to get happy
it's it's a fantasy that someone else's
actions or presence has to do with your
happiness right we are all you can be
happy in any circumstance uh and that
sounds nice to say but how how powerful
is it to start practicing that where you
are right now in this moment and in
whatever state your marriage is in let's
so we're almost uh finished here let's
get a couple more and we're done with
the quiz exciting to be able to take
this quiz right out of her book and it
really has you thinking and you've
probably heard a lot a lot of these
different statements for marriage to
improve both people have to work on it
so for a marriage to improve I I know
I've heard this so many times uh for a
marriage to improve both people have to
work on it true or
false according to empowered
wife Laura Doyle false women have far
far more power in the relationship pay
attention here and therefore have the
ability to revitalize the intimacy of a
marriage singlehandedly that's like your
definition of a superwoman men rise to
the occasion but women set the tone
people are like what are you talking
about please elaborate on this
absolutely so what we see over and over
again what I've had the honor of
witnessing thousands of times times now
is a wife gets her hands on the intimacy
skills she doesn't even say to her
husband hey I'm practicing these
intimacy skills he doesn't even know
she's doing anything and she'll say in
about two weeks she's like I feel like I
have a new husband he's so thoughtful
he's so considerate he held my hand in
the car for the first time in 10 years
you know or uh I mean and we can start
with situations that are very dire where
maybe they've been as stranged for years
living under the same roof but sleeping
in bedrooms or maybe the divorce is
already started or sometimes there's an
affair going on it's amazing what she
can do by herself so this was something
I bought into too right I thought I was
hopelessly stuck waiting for my husband
to improve himself and I told him how to
improve himself and he wouldn't do it so
I was trapped but empowerment wears a
disguise and that disguise is a
countability really taking
responsibility for what you're bringing
to the party in your marriage and for me
this was such good news because it was
so important to me to have a wonderful
relationship I I wanted that more than
anything it's like that old song right
the the greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return
and this is important to a lot of women
so it's great news we have the power to
make our relationships intimate
passionate and playful and who doesn't
want that yeah and uh you're you're
you're throwing this power Away by not
using it correctly I mean it's I think
that that's brilliant uh and well it's
not your fault right if no one ever
showed her the if no one ever trained
you how are you supposed to know like
you wouldn't know how to make an
omelette or play the piano you know you
wouldn't sit down the piano and go gosh
I hope I'm good at this so it's not your
fault if no one ever showed you the
skills tell tell me um now I wanted to
touch upon before we conclude I
mentioned science you know science now
through empirical observation you this
is this is science now science is where
you have tested it's not just to one
geographical location is it it's not
just here in the United States no no
we're in 19 languages in 30 countries
what how many
languages letters from women in Japan
like handwritten notes you save my
marriage or in Egypt they wrote and said
um we thought only Egyptian men were the
way you're describing you know so it was
surprising to hear an American Author
say these things and um an author from
Germany flew here to study with me
because what I said resonated so much
with her experience so we're just uh in
Israel uh we I have amazing following
there and then yeah truly International
from all over so this is tested this is
not just a theory this is in
practicality thousands of people have
benefited from this by implementing it
by being open-minded and trying it okay
you tried it that way your way okay but
you can't have the you know relationship
function on Burger King have it your way
all the time uh if somebody is giving
you the skills that are proven effective
and that's the science behind it because
it's actually working for these people
why not try it you'd be a fool if you
didn't yeah this is definitely proven in
like lots of different languages uh all
over the world and women from a variety
of faiths um you know I've been so
honored to be invited into U Muslim
circles with you know women of that
Faith who say this matches exactly uh
what we're taught in our faith but it
explains
how to do it so I I I was I was very
touched by that I was very moving to
hear that that I can I can substantiate
that because there is a strong emphasis
in Islam every the roles are you know
the woman is is given such a high
standard she's given uh she's honored so
much there and she's the man has a role
the woman has a role but I like what
what she actually said you explain it
and any Muslim reading this say wow this
is this Islamic concept it's there but
it's you're Laura Doyle is explaining it
it's amazing I mean uh tell us um the ne
you call it needless emotional turmoil
can you elaborate on that sure so I
spend a lot of time in my anytime I'm
trying to control someone outside of me
someone I can't control it causes a lot
of needless emotional turmoil and I call
it NE net for sure so I'll be like oh my
gosh I'm having a lot of net and that's
like a strain I can pull to figure out
like wait where did I get off of my side
of the Street you know I call it my
paper right my paper is where all my
decisions and choices and my attitudes
are that I can control my husband has
his own paper and anytime I try to jump
onto his paper it's just likely to be
exhausting and you know what was really
fascinating about this too is that when
I stopped um trying to be like the
armchair quarterback of my husband's
life
and what did you say armchair quarter
bed that's funny yeah yeah I sitting in
my chair going yeah you shouldn't have
done that
wouldn't want to do that yeah when I
stopped doing that you know my life
emerged then I got to write these books
and go on shows and speak live in front
of a live audience of hundreds of people
which you know what it was terrifying I
was trying to avoid that because I was
too scared to do it and so so much of
the journey has just been about finding
the courage finding my faith you know
becoming a woman of Faith who trusts um
not just in my husband but really in
something much bigger than that uh do
you cover in your book also um helping
people gain emotional stability because
one thing is these things are logical it
Mak sense but sometimes emotions can
overtake someone emotional stability uh
do you cover anything in in your book on
that right so for me um and I I went
through a a whole period of uh kind of
being focused on these disorders mental
disorders uh that are in the like
Diagnostic and statistical manual so I
was diagnosed with depression and I kind
have my husband diagnosed with Attention
Deficit Disorder so we definitely had
some uh breakdowns along those lines and
I was I was on medication and so is he
and I to say so they they diagn they
give out those diagnosis is really easy
in the medications it's fast just like
like candy right here you go and I
remember my therapist wasn't qualified
to diagnos this but she told us go over
here and you can you can get that
diagnosis so she was telling us oh yeah
you guys have this so you got to go get
treated for it well neither is his on
medication now I don't have depression
he doesn't seem to have ADD he's a very
successful business man now so um the
the emotional issues were just bad
habits they were just this road that I
went down because I didn't know any
other options and as soon as I learned
that I had some other choices um and and
not to say uh I mean I'm so grateful now
that this these are my new habits and
they kind of carry me along and at first
it I really had to like one of the the
cheap phrases that we use is the word
ouch right so I used to think if you
have a good marriage your husband would
never hurt your feelings and that is
just not true when you live so close
together it doesn't mean to he never
intends to hurt my feelings but
sometimes we're teasing each other or
whatever sometimes somebody's impatient
whatever he hurts my feelings and so I
thought well that means my marriage is
uh broken and hopeless but now I just
know if I just let him know and I just
can use this one word I'll just say ouch
and I'm not accusing him of anything I'm
not saying anything but my husband just
immediately reacts and I see husbands
all over the world do this too where
he's like oh oh my gosh I'm so sorry I
didn't I didn't mean to hurt your
feelings or you know I shouldn't have
said that or uh you know he he
apologizes right away it's kind of a
miracle really it seems like I that's
what I always wanted him to do before
and he never would do it and now he's
really quick to apologize so just taking
that vulnerable approach uh and keeping
the connection Alive by um just honoring
what's true for me has been really
powerful and magical uh why do you you
have this and I and I I figured this out
but for someone who um it's a such a
powerful quote and I and I think about
it's really sad that you know you get
these diagnosises and you go through
spending all this money on the the
conventional way and at the end you just
you hit a dead end and some people
there's a there's a a profound you know
really intelligent uh Dr Brogan Kelly
Broan who talks about this she's more of
a holistic now psychiatrist she used to
go prescribing these drugs and giving
these diagnosis she stopped She saw I'm
not helping people I'm actually making
people more sick she helps people get
off these drugs and she she talks she
talks about you know all the negative
side effects from people on these drugs
and people end up becoming psychotic and
many killing themselves and whatnot I
mean thank God you didn't you didn't end
up you know going down that route but so
many people it's it's an epidemic people
they get these diagnosis now they're
crippled by that they feel like there's
no hope for me they're stuck but then
exactly true yeah I mean I I found it
very alerting because I thought okay
this is going to be the solution right
I'm in a lot of pain and this is going
to help and it it really didn't help and
anyway then I had a story where I I'm
depressed and my husband's got this
disorder a deficit disorder I mean is
that a label anybody wants to carry
around with them it's not a good thing
to focus on what you focus on increases
so we absolutely had that experience of
it just making things worse and I I just
didn't know that there was an
alternative you know that I could
practice these skills that they'd be so
simple like any woman can do them where
I you know none of that would have
mattered it doesn't matter to me at all
anymore I never think about depression
or attention deficit disorder and uh we
see the same thing
you know one of the one of the hilarious
things is a therapist once told me that
every time she reads a woman the
symptoms of Aspergers every single time
she'd go oh my gosh my husband has that
now Aspergers is not even something that
people diagnose anymore they have the
autistic Spectrum or whatever but um
because she said that my husband and I
sat down and read the description and
we're like oh my gosh my husband has
that like like I have that I'm like yeah
you do so it might just be that some of
these uh things that we're calling
disorders or syndromes or deficits are
just part of the differences in the
genders and that is part of what makes
life exciting it makes relationships
interesting and exhilarating I mean
we're all the same it be pretty boring
yeah I I'm I'm really enjoying uh uh
getting all this uh great data from you
and and and having you on the program I
I know we got to cut it um curtail it in
a few I just I want to get a couple more
things in that someone mentions he says
uh in in your book do you cover this uh
the the um the good about bringing up
someone keeps bringing up the past if
someone just keeps on like every time
you know you're moving forward and then
someone just starts bringing things up
from yesterday a year ago a week ago 10
years ago I mean uh is is is is uh
revisiting this kind of History good for
the
relationship and fairness I just want to
say this is how we were all trained
right that is therapy is all about let's
go back to your childhood let's go back
to the past I have to figure that out
and that's going to solve things right
so this is where we all got that idea
and no absolutely not it's not it's not
help if what I'm doing is digging up old
resentments or old hurts of course
that's not going to serve me because
that becomes now my focus right that
becomes like the headline of our
situations like oh my gosh you once
insulted me in front of my family or
whatever is true um versus like wow just
this morning you um you took me out to
breakfast and you know we went for a
walk hand inand like um and you you're
working hard to support our family and
you clean the kitchen right like if I
focus on those things my husband just
automatically seems like my hero and if
I'm focused on his mistakes I mean no
husband's going to be perfect but my
husband is perfect for me yeah if that's
been dead and buried why it's like
digging up the dead why are you doing
that yeah why you doing yeah in fact um
a lot of women when they arrive at our
campus that is what they say they go
well I had this abuse in my childhood or
this what happened to me and that and
it's sad you know I I feel for them
having to go through that but one of my
the first things I say is like yeah I
don't care about any of that you know
good news we're just going to learn some
skills over here and that's going to uh
that's going to really uh alleviate a
lot of the pain that you're feeling that
you think is related to these past
incidents you know you think about like
a teenager who's trying to get job we
don't say to him well maybe the reason
you're not getting a job is because of
what happened when you were eight let's
talk about when you were eight you know
you would say hey let's help you write a
resume Let's help you get some interview
skills let's get you in front of some
potential employers right we wouldn't
say like you know maybe when you're
eight you crashed your bike you know
that you're afraid to get a job or
something right like it's kind of silly
when you look at it that way yeah okay
how can people get the book empowered uh
wife where can people get the book well
it's everywhere but you can read a free
chapter of it on get cherish.com that's
what most women want is to get cherished
and that's what's going to do but we
also have something fun going on right
now it's the get cherished challenge
where I'll send you a little experiment
trying your marriage every day for five
days you can try one of the little cheap
phrases to see how it works for you see
if you want to keep it or if it doesn't
work for you of course you can throw it
out but we finally are very effective
for women all over the world so uh at
get Church
you can do all that we had such a great
response uh last time your for your
previous show you did uh people are
asking when are you going to do if you
haven't already have it on audio on have
the book on yes on on audio audio book
yes is that in the plan are you gonna do
anything like that yeah this book
actually is on audio this one's on audio
it's on audio but it's under a different
title and the title is called first kill
all the marriage counselor okay so you
can listen to it on audio also where
where on a is it on uh what is it is
audible audible audible you can get it
on Audible can totally get it on Audible
yes okay and if um if someone wants to
become people in the communities they
they want to empower uh the people in
their communities uh with this
information they want to become a coach
now right like you are how can they how
can they also get involved and do be a
coach a a uh a marriage uh coach what do
you call it a we call them relationship
relationship Co how do they relationship
coaches yeah Lord will um certified
relationship coaches we uh do offer
coach training periodically so just
reach out to me you can write to me at
Laura Laur doy.org if you're called to
be a coach um some special women are
attracted to this amazing women are
attracted to uh spreading this message
and getting the skills out especially in
their community and um so we we always
love that I always love to hear from
women who are passionate about that like
I am this is my mission n World divorce
and if that mission calls to you too I
definitely want to hear from you thank
you so much you guys empowered wife get
the book I want to thank you so much it
was a pleasure last time and this time
and thank you for the wonderful card
thank you so much God bless you I really
appreciate the work that you're doing
and the community does we really you
know if you guys want to are you also
visiting places people can get you to
come to their communities they can also
get a hold of you there to bring you out
yeah absolutely to to come and be um
where there's a group of women anytime
um you know I was really flattered I got
invited to speak locally to a like a
group of Muslim women and it was
standing room only and I just felt like
a rockstar and if anybody uh wants me to
come there gosh I I would I would be
honored guys you heard that Empower
empower the women empower the community
get her to your community and let us
know and we'll help promote it I want I
want to thank you again thank you so
much much God bless you thank you Lord
thank you thank you it's been my
pleasure you've been so wonderful to me
I can thank you enough God bless you
thank
you