the title of my talk is
interpersonal communication you know
what that
means great uh and basically I I'm
required to touch upon a few things when
it comes to communicating with other
individuals you know so uh I'm going to
cover kind of a broad spectrum of ways
of communicating and just so that
there's some benefit also throw in like
some kind of U like techniques as well
uh for for getting your point across or
convincing people or offering advice now
first of all there's obviously more than
one way of communicating with someone
and the way the style that you choose
depends on a lot of things everybody
with me the style of communication that
you choose depends on a lot of things it
depends on for example the age of the
person you're going to communicate with
whether they're male or female the
environment that you're communicating in
am I in the middle of a quiet place or
in the middle of a riot or or like a
rally or something like that and also
the relationship the past relationship I
have with this person is it a sibling is
it a parent to child child to parent is
it someone who knows me is it someone
who sees me as credible is it someone
all these things they affect you know
the the way and the technique we use in
communicating and getting our point
across to
someone so uh and a lot of times people
expect that there's one way of
communicating but there are many ways
and you would choose the way based on
the situation based on the person based
on the
environment
so of the first ones we wanted to look
at and there actually a lot of questions
have been coming in in about aggression
you know aggression in either in da or
in fixing a situation or in changing
someone's Behavior now there are times
of course when someone can be aggressive
for example the father can be aggressive
with a child true if he wants to be
right yes or no yeah he
can I don't want to know what what
happens in your house you've been
getting a lot of that huh you've been
getting a the belt huh all right I like
your father
already um so for example but you know
something the youth can't be aggressive
with their parents and I know what
happens all right you start to pray and
go to the mid regularly attend a few
classes you read a few books here and
there and your parents are not
practicing so you have a beard your
father doesn't or you pray your mother
doesn't so what happens you start to be
aggressive with them because you know
you've been wrong your whole life and
they always correct you you and now
you're right about religion and they're
wrong so now you're using this to your
advantage and you want to come and you
want to harass them and you want to make
life miserable for everyone in the house
and this happens a lot when someone
becomes practicing he's so excited with
the new information that they're
discovering and when he or she receives
new information they act upon it
immediately so they assume that the
parents will be in the same exact way
and then they go and present them with
information and they don't accept it the
same way way so what happens everything
becomes a debate about religion every
meal tends turns to be a debate an
argument about religion so breakfast you
argue about religion lunch you bring up
religion dinner you bring up religion
and in the end nobody wants to talk
about religion anymore with you because
the family got sick and tired of it and
it always ends up with a fight you don't
convince anyone and what happens is
something that you may regret if you
don't change is that you burn down that
bridge and no nobody wants to talk to
you about religion anymore and and you
can't give da at the house these are the
people who come to you 3 years later my
family cannot accept anything about
religion from me what do I do and now I
have to bring someone from the outside
because you burnt them
out don't be aggressive with your
parents people do not be aggressive with
your parents because you have to
understand
something when you weren't practicing
would you rather someone practicing
would have come to you and approached
you in an aggressive way and yelled at
you and said look what this and look at
that this is Haram and that's Haram or
would you rather someone would have come
to you gently and pulled you to Allah
subhah tala and remember this is
something I have to say all the time the
definition of Da it it's from the root
to invite an invitation is always nice
nobody ever grabs you and invites you to
dinner nobody you know twists your arm
and says you want to have a dinner and
that's not that's not the way it's done
so people invite you and whenever ever
it's an invitation it's gentle right all
the time when someone's inviting it's
gentle so if someone's inviting you to
Islam it can't be a fight it can't be
you fighting with your father fighting
with your parents about the religion or
thinking you're better because you read
a few books of Hadith and now you're all
that and you're not so it's not like
that at all but of course the father
could use aggression and there could be
even times when the would be aggressive
in da can anyone think of examples when
the
prophet Ali wasallam was aggressive in
da yeah there were times like that
remember when the prophet gave da to
Omar right but of course the news that
reached them was that Omar was coming to
kill the prophet alh wasallam but when
he entered grabbed him and shook him
some narrations Omar said he's never
been shaken like that so this was a time
when the prophet was aggressive also
there was another time when the were
excessive in curs Ing and cussing the
prophet sallallahu alhi wasallam so he
said something strong to
them but these are always exceptions the
general mode of dawa is that it's very
calm it's very gentle even from the
parent if you want to guide your child
towards Islam or guide them to an act of
worship it's not done through aggression
and it's not done through forcing them
to do things and I know many people who
came from families where the father was
very strict and they hate certain
aspects of worship and they link it back
to a memory in U in their childhood of
how they were forced to do a certain
action I know of one father that wakes
up all his sons and all his daughters
for like night prayer so what happens he
wakes them all up they all get up and he
says allahar and he starts to pray these
long long and in the meantime what
happens his his sons they stand behind
him when he says allahar they go sit on
the beds and some people will will roll
over and kind of sleep and then when he
is at the final T they all get up and
sit behind him he
says he turns Mah all his children are
behind him he gets up again allahar and
they all go back to bed and they're
sitting this is a true family I'm
telling you this true
story because he was forcing them upon
that and they didn't want it I know some
people hate waking up for f because of
the way family members used to wake them
up for f he this guy was telling me that
he was sleeping his grandfather woke him
up for f he said I went back to bed he
said his grandfather he had um a big sub
you know the ones they use for he had a
long one he said his grandfather just
came back moved the cover and he didn't
care he just whipped it lands wherever
it lands no problem and it landed on his
stomach and so it's not too bad but
still bad enough imagine you're sleeping
and then somebody just whips you real
hard on your stomach so that's how he
woke him up so he hated that you know so
also you
find sometimes they'll Force small
children upon fasting without explaining
without linking it to obedience to Allah
so even from the parents the aggression
towards the child in trying to get them
to rectify their behavior or trying to
get them to do something is not the best
way and it typically
backfires it typically
backfires um there's actually uh there's
actually an example uh that I always
give so I'll repeat it again of how you
it's not good when you have people do
something out of fear you know how some
people have argued that it's better to
be feared than to be loved which of
course this is really Incorrect and if
you read the S of the Prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam you'll become convinced
of this it is not better to be feared
than to be loved because if people only
do things out of fear then if you're not
there they won't do it I'll give you a
simp simple example this even works for
animals all right I'm going to give you
example with my cat if you bear with me
all right so I have this cat and it used
to like to sleep in the bedroom but it
was a long-haired cat so the hair would
be all over the place so my roommate
said please don't let the cat into the
bedroom so he figured he's going to
teach the cat to not go into the bedroom
every time the cat would go into the
bedroom he would yell at it and the cat
would run out so I noticed then when
nobody's in at in the house when I'm not
there and he's not there and I open the
keys and I'm entering to the apartment
when I open the door I see the cat
running out of the bedroom pretending to
be in the living
room why because he's trying to teach it
through fear to not go into the bedroom
but when nobody's there and there's
nothing to fear it goes into the bedroom
similarly those of you who who own cats
sometimes the cat likes to jump up on
the kitchen counter so most people the
way they would approach the cat would
just yell at it it gets up on the C C it
gets down but when you're not there
guess what it's doing it's rolling on
the counter it's having fun it's you
know making dough and bread and just
having fun so one way to actually or two
ways to teach the cat here is you know
cats hate water so just pour some water
on the kitchen counter and when you go
and it jumps up it's going and cats hate
water it's going to get wet it's going
to hate that and it's going to stop
jumping up on the counter another one
they tell you it's a bit more cruel
and more fun you take a thick piece of
tape like packing tape and you put it
Sticky Side Up on the counter the cat
jumps and it gets stuck in Tangled in
this tape you ever seen a cat stuck in
tape it's fun they run around trying to
get it off run run I think if they run
fast that thing might leave stay behind
them or something it's great uh don't
don't do that
though uh so then basically now even
even with animals we're learning that
it's not fear uh it's it's not fear
that's the best motivator and it's not
fear that gets people to change their
behavior parents also shouldn't use just
fear all the time to get people to do
the right thing to the child to do the
right thing even Allah does not use fear
all the time in the Quran okay a lot of
people think there is probably more
mention of the Hellfire than there is of
Paradise in the Quran but that's not
true because anytime the word n appears
in the Quran an equal number of times
Jenna is mentioned in the Quran anytime
day is mentioned in the Quran night is
mentioned an equal number of times life
is mentioned death is mentioned an equal
number of times so does Allah motivate
us using fear only no sometimes Allah
will tell us will tell us the punishment
that's fear of what happens or what if
you do something or he might tell us the
reward for leaving something sometimes
he'll tell us the reward for doing
something and then the punishment for
leaving something or he might tell us
stories of prophets or he might tell us
benefit in this life or benefit in the
next life Allah subh uses many methods
in the Quran to motivate us into action
and he doesn't only use fear subhanahu
wa'ta'ala but realistically people are
motivated by fear and they are motivated
by getting something good to happen to
them I'll ask you a simple question can
you think of any animal that or any
human that does any action for no reason
whatsoever probably without you can't
think of it there is no action that's
done for no reason whatsoever so
everything that any living thing does is
typically to avoid some kind of
potential harm or to bring some kind of
good towards itself you you might argue
well sometimes on Saturday I just sit
like this and I on the couch and I just
stare up and I don't do
anything are you doing something or not
you you said it I think you're you're
relaxing all right you're relaxing even
if it makes no that you don't know the
exact there's no actual thing happening
you're still relaxing there's nothing
that's done for no reason so because of
that it's realistic to say there is harm
further down this road and that would be
a good motivator for people and for
animals even a squirrel that would store
food it knows why it's doing that to
avoid potential harm I don't know how
sophisticated the thought is you know it
doesn't say well we're in mid July now
and it's going to get cold I don't if it
does it like that but it stores food out
of fear of potential harm happening in
the future
so so now we're saying then aggression
then is uh is not like the this the
default mode or the technique that you
use when it comes to getting people to
change or to motivate or even to
communicate with people because when you
are aggressive in communicating with
someone you immediately turn them off
and they become rigid so that a person
who who would have listened to you
because you were aggressive now they
have become rigid and they're not
willing to listen to you even if you
bring them with good advice that's why
one of the golden rules in dawa they
tell you if you start if if you're going
to give someone advice about something
don't start by attacking something they
love like for example someone uh smokes
cigarettes but he doesn't pray so it
makes more sense to call them to the
Salah than to attack what they love and
they love their cigarettes they're
addicted to their cigarettes or you know
a young man or a young woman and they
listen to music you start attacking
their music don't ever attack their
music just see what happens when Muslims
are attacked they attack Islam in in
defense of their music they attack Islam
so you don't attack something that
people love so generally when you become
aggressive you lose that individual and
you lose out a great chance of changing
that person and of course there are
always
situations where aggression may be the
best thing but it's not the norm okay
it's not the norm I'll tell you
something there was
um okay let me just not mention names
nor places but there was a man who went
and sat down with a Muslim D this man
was a a preacher he went and sat down
with a Muslim D the D was very very very
aggressive with him and that man became
Muslim all right and then he tells
people if that if that man was not
aggressive I wouldn't have become Muslim
does this mean we should use aggression
as a general rule now no that was just
an exceptional situation an exceptional
situation okay so that's when it comes
to being aggressive and be careful as in
how you use this be be gentle with your
parents be gentle with your loved ones
because remember you you want people
genuinely to be saved from the Hellfire
that's your whole point of talking to
anyone so why would you be aggressive
you might lose them at that point so be
gentle with people invite them nicely
and this is one of the things about
changing the the the whatever
reprehensible action you see you have to
change it as a Muslim right and we all
know the Hadith very popular Hadith the
prophet
said so whoever of you sees a reprehend
ible act or a something that's not right
he should change it with his hand and if
he can't change it with his hand then
with his tongue and if he can't then
with the heart and that's the weakest of
Iman so some people read this Hadith and
it's a very popular Hadith but they
understood that the Hadith is saying
this is the order in which you change
things this is the order the Hadith is
not talking about order and the scholars
say the instrument of change depends on
who and what is being changed and I
remember this when I was a young man
many many many years ago I was in a
Masjid and this this one man did
something and this other old grown man
okay not old but grown man maybe early
50s or late 40s smack the other man
grown man so the man says why are you
hitting me the man said the Hadith said
first with the
hand then with the tongue so even if I'm
able to speak to you if I'm able to hit
you I'll deck you because that's what
the Hadith said no the Hadith is not
saying this is the order of things the
instrument of change will be based on
who and what needs to be changed so
sometimes you can change something with
your hand but what if it involves
destruction of property can you do it
someone else's property can you change
it with your hand no what if it what if
it involves that it's going to cost
someone money if you destroy something
can you do it no but a father for
example can can he change with his
hand if need be and is it possible for
him you know the answer yeah right your
father's going to fix a couple ofat
tonight I think it's going to be great
so the father for example if he felt the
necessity and wanted to give the old
backhand to the kid absolutely by all
means and he has my full support in
doing so so that's a possibility but you
can't go into someone's house and you
find that for example they have pictures
hang or little statues and start
breaking them or anything like that
you're not allowed to do that or break
someone's television as we discussed
yesterday so the instrument of change
depends on what or who is being is needs
to be changed and so it's not the order
that you start with the hand and then
the tongue and then the heart but
typically most of the situations will
involve the tongue first that you would
speak to someone about changing the
M okay
so when it comes down to
communicating sometimes there's
something which is which is really nice
for uh and beneficial for us to know
known as Rapport Rapport r a p p o r t
Rapport and Rapport basically is that's
really how it's spelled by the way some
people are laughing like I'm being funny
so Rapport basically is when you
establish some kind of relationship with
someone I'll give you some scenarios
whether it involves Muslims or
non-muslims basically let's say there's
a new security guard in your apartment
complex and you want to give him da but
it's kind of weird that from his first
day you're going to walk up to him and
start immediately do anything about
Islam and so on and so forth so what you
do you establish Rapport so you start to
talk to them first about the weather
you're new here this and that the
parking whatever situation now he knows
you and you have some type of speaking
relationship and then maybe the second
time also you just talk about something
else third time now when you want to
talk about Islam or something like that
or give it's not too sudden because you
have already established some kind of
relationship with this person I'll give
you now an example of rapport with
Muslims all right and this is actually a
true story all
right now what happened was at the
University uh where I used to be in
Virginia in the third floor there is the
Musa where all the Muslims go to pray
and there's also that right next to the
musah a bunch of Muslim young men and
women who just sit there and play cards
all day all right they just you know
they're all giggling and they they all
lean on each other and they're you know
mallah you know open and all the other
so they see people going to the musah
and they never get up and pray so one
time during one of the meetings they
brought it up because now we're our job
as the Muslim Students associate iation
is to give da to Muslims as well so like
okay we have these Muslims who sit right
next to them and none of them get up to
go pray so what are possible solutions
we could come up with so one of the
brothers and this is the actual solution
he came up with he said I'm going to
donate my time and whenever it's time
for Salah I'm going to go walk up to
their table this is on my way to the Mah
I'm going to walk up to their table I'm
going to look at them and I'm going to
tell them all very
sternly
this is how he's Mah going to help us
out with this problem so he's going to
go to them he's going to walk up to them
and
say and then he's going to come up to
them and
say and then he's going to tell
them all right so now this was a
solution can you believe that or not so
just this guy big beard nice frown is
going to walk up to them and sayah guess
what he's not going to be adding any new
information to this group of people they
already know they're Muslim they know
Salah because they're sitting on the
third floor on the wage of the musah
they see around time surprisingly all
these Muslims start going to that prayer
area and all the sisters start going to
the prayer area they wait there for
about 5 minutes and they all come out
you think they don't know what happened
they know the people are praying they
know it's time and then time they see
all the people going towards the Mah
staying there for a while praying and
then coming out so they know the people
are praying so when you come and tell
them you're not adding any new
information whatsoever it's not like
they're going to be playing cards you
they like oh oh Salah oh that's why all
the Salah people y That's not you're not
adding new
information but what's interesting was
in that uh scenario we had the quote
unquote religious people and then the
non-religious people and guess what was
there any Rapport between between the
two any relationship any communication
no the only thing the only communication
between the two groups is this you walk
by you look at them and you frown that's
our da to them all right so you walk by
you see them then you go away can you
imagine and being with that group and
you sit there and every day about 50 or
60 religious Muslims will just come and
walk away like what's with religious
people with the frowning every they're
just sitting there and people giving
them dirty looks dirty looks dirty looks
these dirty looks are going to tell
them this is a beautiful religion I want
to become practicing so I can be like
these people and give people dirty looks
all the time it's not going to work like
that so one of the things I suggested is
why don't we mend the relationship with
this EST establish some kind of
relationship with them imagine someone
did this to them so all the Muslim
religious people and the good folks come
by and give them these dirty looks
intermingling playing cards not praying
Haram they go away imagine one of these
religious people comes to them one time
just with a bowl of candy and he gives
everybody one he gives him Salam how you
guys doing what game are you playing
he's not even interested but he ask them
what game are you guys playing and they
say we're playing this game or that game
then he goes away and another time he'll
come and he'll just chitchat with them
give them Salam or give or pass around
candy again what do you think would
happen in their hearts they'll think wow
most religious people just round at us
but this guy he's a religious person but
he's a nice guy as well he comes and
talk to us he passes out candy even
though we're all intermingling we're not
saying he should sit and start playing
cards with him right but just
establishing some kind of Rapport some
kind of relationship then you think if
he comes to them one time and says you
know you know you guys are a nice crowd
I always like to come see you guys and
give you Salam but I noticed you guys
never come to the musah and I just
wanted to to tell you come you've seen
the Salah it takes about 5 minutes it
stops just come pray and then come back
to your game what do you guys think do
you think perhaps he stands more of a
chance that he might get his uh a
response to this
dawa no doubt now is it guaranteed that
it may not that it may work no it's not
guaranteed you know and that's why um
you try and you do your best and if it
works alhamdulillah if it doesn't work
guess what you still get your reward
inshallah for that sometimes you follow
all the rules and it doesn't does work I
remember one time there was this sister
in her hijab she was very active with
MSA then she started smoking all right
still in hijab but she' just be puffing
away always puffing away and she stands
out with a bunch of thugs in front of
everybody in front of the cafeteria
they're all smoking and being Thugs and
stuff so the sisters told me you know
you are kind of like her older brother
inshallah go give her advice I said okay
I followed all the rules of giving
advice you praise the other person you
recognize whatever good is in them and I
tried I did all the rules followed the
rules to the tea oh she let me have it
she let me have it so bad that for the
rest of the night I was just like this
and my friends would tell me what's
wrong with you I'm I'm I'm okay I'm okay
she just went off he said you are not
the Imam here who do you think you are
and she just went you know the whole n
yards
so so of course it can backfire Rapport
may not work I mean but you do it you
try to have some finesse some kind of
diploma
in your attempts and in your
techniques
now so you know like we were saying
earlier that the Earth that Allah
created Works through being balanced and
therefore the humans that Allah created
to put on this Earth also must work
through a system of balance and so you
never want to be too far on any end of
the spectrum the the middle is always
what will work best so the middle is
that you're you know your kind you're
gentle and you're between being
aggressive and between being too passive
and too weak and not able to speak out
or say anything and sometimes people
confuse being or very passive with being
having ha or having modesty and there is
a difference between the two so uh and
it's not necessarily also just being
humble but uh allowing yourself to be
humiliated by others not when you humble
yourself for the sake of Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala and so because the Muslim
always high holds him or herself in high
regard right because this is what we
call is you feel honored you feel the
dignity and honor that Allah made you a
Muslim so you do not lower yourself and
and abase yourself and humiliate
yourself in that sense but again it's
always a good balance between you know
whatever two extremes of emot tions or
forms of communication always the
balance is what will work there will be
exceptional cases and then in that case
that's when you use it appropriately but
for the most part always a middle love
and hate for
example oh um actually love and hate uh
you'll find people also going to
Extremes in loving and in hating and in
Islam it's not necessarily always black
and white you can hate something about
someone and love something else in them
so for example exle let's say there's um
a brother who gives a lot in charity
he's one of the the best people when it
comes to helping the poor the needy the
Masjid he gives a lot but he has some
other bad trait so most people and I
know especially young people they either
just want to love him or hate him and
most of the time they'll choose to hate
him but in Islam you can actually love
him for his generosity and dislike the
certain bad thing about him so there can
be great it's not just black and white
and this is again the middle path when
it comes so someone you know does some
bad deeds and everything but they have
one good deed you can love him for that
one good deed and hate the bad Deeds
about him and it's not that we just go
around hating everyone because the bad
overweight the good or things like that
but there's always and there's you're
taught to always look for that light
yeah I think I've gone over I supposed
to do some uh some Q&A at the end
uh
but um so of
course let me let me um let me mention
also that even then even with with
trying to be peaceful the whole time
there would always be an extreme
situation where you would go to the to
the other end and for example in Islam
the Islam because it's realistic it does
recognize times when you have to defend
yourself and sometimes defending
yourself would be physical self-defense
right even though you're supposed to be
gentle and you're not supposed to fight
but that's also more realistic than
telling you to turn the other cheek all
the time that also is not realistic so
for example if you if someone enters
into your home they start slapping
around your children you know the
father's not just going to sit back and
say son turn the other cheek it might be
in your case right father would be like
yeah actually I was going to give him a
beating anyway so go ahead but for the
most part this is a time when the father
will go and and want to defend the
person here because it's not realistic
to expect people to turn the cheek or
turn the other cheek all the time and
that's why I'm telling you every time in
Islam you will find things to be very
balanced it's not just one way or the
other but for the most part the middle
path is what's best uh and chosen for us
there will be extreme situations when
you go to this end or you go to the
other
end uh how about I stop here
ABD huh okay all right so we'll stop
here and take uh some
questions