[Music]
the dean show peace be with you welcome
to the dean show do you know that we're
going on close to 10 years strong
alhamdulillah and that we're around our
500th episode of the dean show and I
thank everybody who's been supporting
and tuning in with no breaks we've been
continuous alhamdulillah continue to
support the program and with no
exception today we have an exciting
program we're going to be talking about
dating in Islam dating yeah didn't you
know that the Halal dating way that you
set a date and you meet the Maham and
you tie the knot but what's stopping
people from tying the knot in today's
day andate it used to be a time was
quite simple ncah very easy process very
quick too but there's big dilemma now
somebody is here in the studio that is
on the ground at the meet and greets a
coordinator
who's going to be giving us the Insight
his Insight here in the de when we come
back so we can benefit and hopefully we
can solve some of these dilemmas that
we're having and people can end up tying
it not in a Hal way we'll see you in a
second don't go anywhere right back this
is
the this is the D is the
de this is the D
this is
the this is the is
the
the this is
thean this is thean is
[Music]
thec back to the show peace be with
youum how you doing brother Jay I'm
doing wonderful thanks now people are
out there who go to the elmb seminars
that's the guy in the front row is that
you sometimes so you you attend uh
frequently all of the MB seminars yeah
I'm working towards getting a bachelor's
degree inshah in the next year year and
a half give you want to give a MB a plug
uh yeah M some people like what is this
Al is an Institute that gives you a
basic knowledge on Islam and a very
interactive fun educational Manner and
I've been involved for the last actively
involved for the last two years
traveling all over the country you got a
shake good Shake coming in Shi he's got
the F of fasting that's coming up now
isn't it yes in three days oh in three
days Friday hopefully this will be out
before then people can benefit now
people like okay uh I mentioned Ty the
KN I mentioned the Halal dating set a
date meet the Maham meet and greet
you're a part of your Chicago
coordinator uh we see you at the events
where they have the half our Dean with
Baba Ali you know Baba yes I know Baba
ali um I work with uh the people that
they have that come in yeah um so I'm
the Chicago contact for half hardine
I've been helping out for the last three
years so whenever they have an on-site
uh event um typically once or twice a
year um I help you know with anything
they need advertising marketing anything
um for the Chicago location now what is
half what what what is this because we
know half hardine is a complete the
faith what is this organization trying
to do so half Ardine has two components
two main components to it I'm not the
expert or the one running the show I'm
supporting the Chicago contact but uh
but basically they have two things they
have the on-site matrimonial site where
people pay monthly to uh post their
profile and then if anyone's interested
in them um they will communicate um
online and it's protected and private
and Baba Ali has created that and um
based on what he's seen in the past he's
um tried to uh make it excellent uh and
perfect the matrimonial scene and then
they have the second component which um
I'm a part of when it comes to Chicago
which is the onsite uh where we have uh
people meeting and greeting from all
over the country sometimes the world
they come into Chicago and we try to
have you know equal number of men and
equal number of women let's just say 60
60 um and uh and then we do interactive
uh questioning you know deal breaker
questions and um making a little bit
game interactive and um you know
something more than than what they do is
they a lot of matrimonials do which is a
major mistake which is called um speed
dating so we don't do that um it's more
uh you you know they they talk they get
to know each other in a Halal
environment um and then um and then men
will move from table to table so that
they're able to meet um as many um
opposite potential matches as possible
so so tell us now what is going we know
that okay uh many people they want to
get married and uh the main one of the
wisdoms behind marriage is to protect
Society prot protect yourself because
it's natural to be attracted to the
opposite gender and to come together in
a way that's acceptable by the Creator
because we know all of the the
ramifications when people go out and
they become promiscuous and immorality
uh takes over and the society gets
destroyed so this organization and and
and uh yourself you're trying to help
facilitate uh men and women coming
together in the in the pure way in
marriage so H how is how do you see now
being on the ground uh when people come
to these meet and greets um what's the
success rate um I don't have the exact
success right but I know that there's
been um the last few events that helped
out there's been a few people that were
able to get engaged I think there's one
or two that were able to get married
which is not bad for a small meet and
grep sessions that they've had um but I
the issue I'm seeing a lot of times that
people are not preparing for marriage
they're jumping into it uh without
getting the proper uh knowledge and
resources to be able to find somebody
and then staying married okay the sign
we got to take a break but we really
want to get into some uh we want to keep
it real and get into some things that uh
you've seen um that are hindering people
from getting married one of them is uh
uh Pursuit Of Education and the woman or
man they end up getting past their Prime
and then that's it you miss the boat and
then there's all sorts of other things
along with this that we're going to be
covering that we can hopefully dissect
and give some uh practical Solutions
here with Brother Jay on The Dean show
don't go anywhere please subscribe to
the dean show follow us on our official
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show by making a donation in the link
[Music]
below welcome back to the dean show and
you mentioned one thing not being
prepared just jumping in blindly right
yes uh you don't how come why why do you
think um um most of the time when we we
take something seriously via be a job
you prepare for a test you prepare for
it but you're see you're saying that
you're seeing that most people aren't uh
um preparing themselves for this great
Endeavor yeah it kind of confuses me a
little bit because yeah exactly what you
said when when somebody wants a job
they'll do everything get the education
and they'll prepare for interviews and
they'll ask people on LinkedIn or
whatever hey you know help me get a job
so what I'm seeing a lot of times is
when people want to get married uh
they're getting married for the sake of
getting married because everyone's
telling them oh it's time to get married
when they when they do choose to get
married they're just doing it and
there's not preparation and I think
that's part of the responsibility that
we have but I think the other component
is our leaders uh in the Muslim
Community they're they're not um they're
starting to create the resources now in
the seminars but um still there's a big
lack that they're not creating um
pre-marriage workshops counseling
sessions and so forth that there's a
more of a reaction that when people do
get divorced um the the leaders will get
a little bit more involved but prior to
that like being more preemptive there's
not enough support there and then people
are not uh reaching out and and pushing
for the demand so our leaders can step
up and meet demand so it's not like just
jump out of a plane and I'll figure it
out or get to the uh airport and then
you don't have your Visa stamp you're
not going I mean I'll figure it out when
I get there no exactly there's no
planning and it's just like okay you
know if I get married all my problems
are going to be resolved and that's just
not realistic or you pick up a lot of
bad habits from your parents possibly
maybe dad treated wrong Mom right uh mom
was uh terrorizing dad or dad was
terrorizing mom bad bad character and
now you just pick up those traits and
think you got it but no you got to fix
those up according to the dean exactly I
mean my my specialty is emotional
intelligence and self-development and
and using those skills that I've gained
over the last 15 years I realized that
people um they are taking their mom the
marriage our parents I mean let's just
say I love my mom and dad and um and
there you know there's no one else i'
want to be my mom and dad but the fact
of the matter is many of our m mom and
dads are first generation um immigrants
from different countries and they may
not always have the education and the
wisdom to uh to to teach us how to get
married in this country you know so it's
it's a brand new experience for us and
them and they're just trying to survive
being in this country not giving us a
skills that we need beyond our food
water and shelter yeah no doubt probably
most people pick up some good things but
there's a lot of bad baggage now that we
need to go ahead and test with the dean
if if it's uh and and that requires uh
um continuous education exactly like
anything we do tell us now another thing
is uh brothers getting you mentioned a
lot of brother is getting cold feet
running away from marriage and women
what did you mean uh missing their Prime
yeah so for men what I've experienced is
many men are there's this if if men
choose to get married you know they go
for it and that's the minority but the
majority of men what they're doing is
they're scared of commitment or there's
this thing where if there's somebody
that's interested in them or they're
being pushed say Hey you know this girl
might be good for you um they have this
mentality where the grass is greener on
the other side um that something better
out so they'll wait or they're fearing
commitment because you know they're not
making enough money they haven't gone to
college or if they do go to college they
haven't finished college or they don't
have a business or some sort of skill to
make enough money there's a lot of
pressure on them to financially provide
so there's that fear of financial
stability the lack of it and then
there's that fear that if I choose this
person what if what if I want somebody
else or what if somebody else is better
for me 5 years down the line so there's
that fear of committing to some somebody
and potentially being trapped or
cornered and like oh I can't second they
second guesss so there's this emotional
immaturity with a lot of men that a lot
of women are complaining about that I
see is one of the top reasons why men
are not getting married or committing to
uh getting married so you see men are
scared of commitment they're scared of
commitment and and and they're uh and
and it's it's like one of those biggest
secrets that they have out there that
that they're not sharing don't use any
excuse or say anything but really it's a
fear of commitment I mean it's easy just
to and women need to be
um not naive to this that men will just
go ahead and use a woman right tell her
those sweet nothings and they don't have
to commit there give her everything she
wants as far as what she wants to hear
but at the end of the day use and abuse
and then she's out like yesterday's
newspaper exactly the essence of
marriage it's a protection for men and
women but uh what I've learned and our
Dean talks about this marriage protects
the woman and and if the woman um you
know God forbid gets pregnant you know
prior to marriage it protects her kids
and it protects her if they're married
if they're not married then there's not
really that responsibility that the man
has for his you know let's say which is
Haram girlfriend or um or you know the
baby out of wedlock which is happening a
lot now that's happening a lot and I
even in our community yeah and that's
the worst thing a woman can do now not
to say it's the end of the world I mean
God Almighty Allah is the most merciful
and forgiving but one of the worst
things either can do men or women is to
go ahead and give this special thing up
before marriage exactly and and you have
a lot of uh uh predators is out there
you know and women are just so fragile
that fragile vessel uh so um marriage it
it's it's really beautiful it's safe
guards that that woman's Chastity the
man's Chastity but really the the woman
um uh you know from from falling into
something and then at the end of the day
now it becomes even even harder you see
a lot of women now because um it's sad
to say most of the times men will look
at it as a as a stud you know if he's uh
not in Islam but just in the culture if
he's dating multiple women he's the Hugh
Hefner but women now it's even changing
women are trying to imitate men and be
like you know uh the man and they'll
just hop around from from different uh
Partners yeah I think on the on the
woman end um you know and and I tend to
be a little bit more uh a little bit
more merciful on the woman end more than
the men's end because of what I've seen
but what's happening on a woman end is a
couple things they're doing number one
they're delaying their marriage because
they want to finish school or they're
getting a lot of pressure from their
parents saying look you need to finish
school be a nurse be a doctor
whatever the case is finish school get a
career and then get married almost as if
it's an insurance policy of you know uh
just in case which I think I understand
where they're coming from but I think
it's creating a problem because then it
pushes a lot of women to get married in
their uh early 30s mid-30s uh late 20s
uh which is not necessarily bad but if
you want to have kids and and get it
within a certain time frame there
there's a time limit to having kids um
you know and there's more complications
as you get older so number one women are
delaying marriage because of the fear a
divorce or the pressure of society and
parents to finish school and get a
career and the second thing that they're
that a lot of women are doing is they're
being unrealistic and they're having
very high expectations on men and
they're having these unrealistic
expectations that less than 1% of men
can fulfill so it puts them in a
situation where they delay their
marriage much longer than they need to
Subhan Allah Subhan Allah so much to
talk about we're going to get back with
some stor some real stories uh and we're
going to go elaborate on what's this
Prime thing you know with uh women that
were're hearing again all in the essence
of benefiting so we can go ahead and
change and alter some of the things that
we're doing so we can have a better
result tomorrow more with Brother Jay
here on the dean show don't go anywhere
we'll be right back please subscribe to
the dean show follow us on our official
Facebook and Twitter pages in The Links
below please also help support the dean
show by making a donation in the link
[Music]
below back here on the dean show and
when I opened up I talked about uh
dating people like what dating in Islam
yeah set up a date meet the mAh do
everything the right way but no we got
uh true stories you know brother is I'm
talking to a brother and he says look
he's been dating this girl for years he
loves her I said man why don't you just
marry her right he said my mom will kill
me because uh she's she's she's not yet
Muslim I said well man talk to her about
the dean right uh enrich her uh with the
purpose of life and from here I mean you
could be getting uh paid for it meaning
with Baraka meaning With the blessings
but you doing it in the Haram way not
the Halal way and then I I mentioned to
him I said look you're not questioning
your mom's going to kill you I guess
because she's not from the same region
May Palestine or whatever the case or
she's not from the same town tribe so I
said look you you wouldn't ask your mom
when you want to go do something Haram
when you want to do something uh that's
displeasing to the crater you don't get
her permission but why people they go
ahead and now they need their permission
to do something
Halal doesn't make sense yeah it doesn't
uh what are your comments on that I mean
the the thing is um what what I've seen
is is there there's kind of this
backwardness in Society where you're
right I mean people when when they when
they do Haram they don't care about what
people think and then when they want to
do Halal they want all these permissions
and all that I think a lot of times it's
it's a uh it could be many things right
I don't want to sit there and limit it
to one or two things but but if if if I
had to choose and what I've seen a lot
of times is there's a form of
manipulation that people use where when
they when they're doing something Hal
they find all these excuses that they
need all these permissions and all these
restrictions and reasons and so it
forces them to oh well you know I tried
to do something good it didn't work out
and now they become a victim of their
circumstance and they're using
circumstance as being responsible
instead of done being responsible so
there's this lack of responsibility and
accountability that we are doing in our
life we're forcing other people and this
is why I used to be very active as a
mentor I'm not as active anymore because
I found a lot of the mentees that I was
mentoring made me responsible for their
decisions you know after I was like what
what do you want to do and they'll do a
decision and then if it doesn't work out
or not the way they want to they'll
blame me and so a lot of times there is
blame society yeah talk about this Prime
I mean it's a reality that now it's a
sad reality but uh we're keeping it real
here that say a woman she spent her
whole life chasing the career and now
she's you know 28 29 30 and above and
you see this live now you're there at
the sessions that uh men they overlook
this one why because they say she's past
their what does that mean yeah I I think
um I think what happens is um there's
just fear in both you know on on the
guy's end there's that commitment and
then on on the female end they're like
okay well you know they they're second
guessing themsel so um I think that uh I
I think that we we as I think both sides
men and women what happens is men will
manipulate the situation by not
committing or finding reasons not to
commit and then woman will find reasons
where well this guy's not good enough or
or they they'll find a reason where he's
not religious enough or he's not a
scholar or she which very few of the men
are and and are saying well I need to
finish my my degree because what if it
doesn't work out so they don't commit so
there's a manipulation going on on both
ends where they're playing a game saying
it's your fault but really they're not
taking accountabilities for their
decisions and commitments or or even
choosing to you know complete half their
de yeah uh so what happens now like for
the for for the the woman we talked
about the men who she's just you know
parents are also pushing education
education education education at the end
of the day now she's finished all her
education and we're seeing this now she
can't get married yeah what's happening
a lot of times um and and a lot of the
women don't realize this is when the men
are ready to get married let's just say
they're 32 years old right and they're
ready to get married a lot of the men
realistically speaking they're looking
for females who are ready to get married
at 25 26 uh or so forth so a lot of
these other females who might have uh
taken longer to get their education and
wanted to be a doctor whatever the case
is they're hitting their mid-30s or even
late 20s mid-30s uh early 30s and so
there's a lot more women who who are the
women who want to get married they're
much younger they're in college whatever
and they're trying to get married and
I've seen this like recently one of the
matrimonial um on-site locations where
there was a girl that came in she was
ready to get married she was uh second
third year in college she was 20 years
old and uh there were like at least 10
men waiting in line to talk to her and
then I saw a lot of these other females
who finished their degree they're in
their career they're very successful
from a worldly dunal point of view and
they have like no guy talking to them
and uh and I think think that that's uh
you know like this young 20-year-old
girl she was emotionally mature enough
to realize look you know I'm going to
finish my degree but I want to find
somebody too and it's going to take time
and so she was able to get engaged as
far as I know now she's on the on the
you know stage of getting married and
then these other females from what I've
seen um many of them still haven't been
able to even find a person if they do
it's somebody like much senior than them
or somebody from a different country
yeah we're seeing it's really growing in
the UK this this problem is it's it's
growing it's not decreasing where um the
woman has chased her career and there's
nothing wrong obviously that Islam
encourages that but at the same time I
mean half our Dean is marriage so now uh
this uh dilemma happens the the woman
can't they say and I know this is very
sensitive for for some people but uh the
reality on the ground is is something
that we need to know but Islam Alters we
see in the UK that uh uh now these women
are they're actually requesting their
they want the shiks the the the leaders
to advocate for them to call out these
other brothers because this is actually
a mercy for the women uh that now these
the only one who's going to step up are
the real men the wom who are already you
know have a family okay to take on
another responsibility otherwise to
protect these women from from uh you
know falling into Zena and and and other
things that now that can destroy their
Dee yeah I mean I see it happening a lot
I mean a couple quick things I want to
say about that number one um I know in
America you're only allowed to marry one
wife and I'm married to one wife I'm
happily married you know um I'm not
looking at I'm not considering for
myself personally to marry more than the
one wife I have but I think in certain
situations that possibly like in the UK
where uh there's a lot more females or
even certain parts of America where
there's a lot more females than men I
can see as long as it's not going
against the the local law that there's a
way to um to kind of bridge the gap I
mean even with non-muslims they say in
New York there's 1 million more females
than men you know uh more women than men
and so I I think that it's becoming a
huge epidemic with that and also uh many
men who are who are interested in only
men homosexuals and all that stuff
there's less Men available for these
women who are available uh age group to
get married so I think there's an
epidemic all over there's many ways to
look at options to resolve this and that
could be one possibly yeah we know in
Islam is clear you know Christianity is
clear Judaism a husband and wife man and
women come together to raise a healthy
uh family and this alternative actually
have you heard of this uh it's
interesting that you have the not yet
Muslims out there who've actually um uh
taken this there's uh have you heard of
this show Sister Wives Sister Wives
we're going to go to a clip real quick
let the people know what we're talking
about you're about to meet a man who has
four wives and they'll all say they're
one big happy family and next here
tonight the news about polygamy and
whether a man can live with more than
one wife to be clear it's absolutely
illegal in this country to have a
marriage license with more than one
person at one time but a big Court
decision coming out of Utah seems to say
it's okay if you just skip the official
piece of paper we're not talking about
this what does it mean for these girls
to be your girlfriends we're talking
about this I believe in living this
lifestyle we know them as reality TV
stars on the hit show Sister Wives I
wouldn't want anything else but now
Hollywood's most famous polygamists have
taken on a new unlikely role as legal
Crusaders embroiled in a courtroom fight
over the fate of polygamy are you
prepared to take this all the way to the
Supreme Court if you have to absolutely
it is an epic battle Cody Brown and all
those wives Mary Janelle Robin and
Christine against the state of Utah
we're moving so we can stay a family
we're going to move in 3 days after the
family flaunted their plural Lifestyle
on TV authorities went after them and
the Browns fled Utah for Nevada it's
brain damaged to move this group then
they sued claiming a First Amendment
right to live how they want to live it
was really an issue of freedom of
expression freedom of love anybody
should be able to organize their family
according to how they choose and they
won the first American polygamy ruling
in more than 130 years a federal judge
siding with them in December declaring a
key part of Utah's polygamy law
unconstitutional Cody Brown can openly
live with his wives just as long as
there is only one marriage license and
Cody is only legally married to Mary
Brown the others are his spiritual wives
it's nice though to not have the word
felon attached to our names thousands of
people living plural marriage in Utah
now are are free so in this clip you saw
that now they actually went to the court
and actually won the case while they've
been public about their lifestyle for
some time they've always worried that
Joe could face a rest under the States
anti-polygamy laws but in December that
became less likely a federal judge ruled
that a law Banning unlawful cohabitation
goes against the right to freedom of
religion while the main branch of the
Mormon faith banned polygamy in the
1890s the daggers are members of one of
the offshoots that continue the practice
as long as it's adults freely choosing
what they want then I I don't feel like
it would be my place to tell somebody
else you can't choose to love who you
love and I think you're going to start
seeing more people like us become more
I've had many of our friends and
relatives that have said you know I
could just tell people at work who I am
now regarding this and they got this uh
this uh gentleman he's got four four
families that he's taken care of so this
is actually a mercy this is 28-year-old
isaia and his two wives 28-year-old
marleene and 20-year-old Becca so you
two have been married for how long 10
years 10 years and you two have been
married for a us three have been married
for about a year and a half got thank
you for pointing that
out marleene and Isaiah married young
both were only 18 but committed to
living in a plural marriage if Isaiah
would have told me that he didn't want
this before we got married I wouldn't
have married him vice
versa after 8 years of living in
monogamy they were joined by a second
wife Becca so what happened with you
Becca one day I was in church and I was
sitting with my sister Sharon and I saw
him walk through the door had a feeling
just come over me and um I turned to
Sharon and I said yeah that's that's who
I feel like I belong to at 19 Becca
married Isaiah and
marleene as I watch the three of them
laughing joking and making sushi they
make it look so easy they could be the
poster family for polygamy and I have to
wonder did they always get along this
well kind of messed with my head a
little bit I mean we're so different you
know I mean I'm tall she's short I'm
she's one I'm brunette would you
characterize it as kind of a little Envy
or jealousy initially yeah yeah um I
think that there's absolutely jealousies
to work through I think it's a a normal
human emotion you know I I you know we
ask people what what other solution do
you have can't look at it from sharing
your man aspect you have to look at it
like joining the family
like her kids are my kids and if I
couldn't have kids I would still have
kids if he was gone I wouldn't be alone
I would have her you know and so it's a
lot more than just being jealous over
your man you know cuz that's nothing
compared to what you have for this
growing epidemic if if it is for me and
if I'm willing to do that I feel like I
have every right to watch over protect
us as far as just our interaction the
kids have all been raised um alog
together as a family and they just
interact really well together they're
siblings and they love each other and it
I don't know it just works really well
this young family has redefined what a
happy marriage can look like oh I really
do love her she treats me like a wife
you know she wants the same for me that
she wants for herself
and I don't know
she's huge blessing you talk about 1
million extra here and and and uh this
this this is we got to do maybe another
show if people would like to see us talk
more about this so here it goes I'm
coming back from an event few months ago
um my driver is from Pakistan and we're
chatting you know how taxi drivers like
to chat he's telling me about his first
wife who just came over from Pakistan
she's really young she's got two
toddlers And I'm empathizing a lot and
telling him the story um about you know
she just needs to integrate she needs to
get more friends and chat and so we get
on very very well the very end of the
journey so we get back to my house in
Brooklyn he says would you like to be my
second wife and so I never ever thought
about polygamy until that actual moment
and the trouble is he was so incredibly
good-looking that I actually considered
it let us know but um at the end of the
day now we're almost out of time uh what
else uh have you seen that uh you think
is is something that is relevant now
that we can uh people can benefit from
your experience if you pray five times a
day and you wear hijab and you think
that's important and then you marry a
man that doesn't doesn't want you to
wear hijab and wants you to just stay
home and to not do anything you have to
marry someone that's will offend your
religious level if you pray five times a
day marry someone that prays five times
a day and or or willing to learn to pray
five times a day thank you very much for
being with
us and there you have it from someone on
the ground at the meet and greets
coordinator for haard here in Chicago
and when you have a connection with the
one who created you your maker the one
who sustained you takes care of you want
to please him half your de
is completed so you didn't get
permission now to go ahead and do theam
to do the things that are displeasing to
the Creator now when you want to do some
Halal take the necessary steps and go
ahead and achieve it and don't let
anyone stand in your way as long as
you're doing the right taking the right
course of action and you're doing it to
please your Creator and this is the way
that you please your creator is
completing half of your Dean stay away
from the dating of your
coworker at work and you're monkeying
around messing around and at the end of
the day you're having fun in the wrong
way but now when it comes to protecting
your Chastity your Dean what you're
throwing everything all these morals and
all the teachings out of the window
don't let that happen to you don't get
tripped and trapped by the pimp Shayan
the biggest pimp look to do it the right
way and hopefully you got the benefit
from someone on the ground and inshallah
you tune in everything every week here
to the dean show subscribe if you
haven't already we'll see you next time
until then peace be with you