[Music]
the dean show peace be with you Salam
alikum welcome to the dean show we have
an exciting episode for you today love
yes but is it the love of Hollywood or
is it the love of Bollywood what's this
fantasy that you you have in your mind
then when you get married it all
explodes it all goes in the wrong
direction we're here today to talk about
so many different things the
Simplicity of the nikah when two people
come together the right way to please
the their creator and they come together
to fulfill half of their Dean in
marriage so it doesn't break we're going
to be talking about how to keep it
together and how to get mature enough so
you can engage in one of the most
important commitments that's right
marriage to do it the right way not the
wrong way so get your notebook to take
some notes we have the professor from
love notes here with us sh Yas to cover
this very important topic here on the
dean show don't go
anywhere this is the
the is
the this is
the this is the this is
the is the
this is the
show this is the this is the
[Music]
show so good to see you again here in
the show Studio here you been great
alhamd good everybody's good
alhamdulillah and you're still doing the
the people still taking notes at the
love notes seminar alhamdulillah M it's
one of the most successful classes that
I've been teaching so far alhamdulillah
so a lot of people are getting the
benefit and we want our viewers to
benefit from your advice your
experiences and the things that you're
out there because this seminar is
something that you conduct at the El M
right and this is some a weekend
seminars it's actually one weekend
seminar it's it's it's a full weekend
you could say Workshop or I call it
personally life-changing experience I
don't call it class I don't call it
lecture it's actually a life-changing
experience because truly when people
come in they come with lot of uh uh
wrong uh assumptions uh perception about
marriage but the moment they come and
step into the class from the from the
first session Until the End every time
there's something new that they're
learning is something that it changes
their way of thinking about it and I've
heard that from many many students who
come to this class that when they leave
they they just basically say you know
what this class I really changed
completely the way I see marriage that
my views on marriage now now let let's
put things in perspective cuz like most
of the we we're obviously uh um impacted
by the culture around us and really the
culture around us is pushing off
marriage you know it's more into dating
you know hanging out you know it's
living this nonot lifestyle that's true
so how do we get people more in tune
with what we're actually talking about
when people are like why why all the
responsibil I want to have fun I'm young
why can't I just have a girlfriend
boyfriend and marriage is something you
know maybe if I get 50 40 maybe see this
is this is very ironic because you would
never think that the Muslim Community
which is considered a very conservative
community that would get to this point
basically when it comes to marriage it's
becoming right now an absolute thing
almost not so many people are
enthusiastic about uh marriage as it
used to be in the past and when I asked
the young the young men and women today
about their uh views on marriage and
when do they see themselves married and
so forth many of them they kind of um
shake their heads as just like they now
they're delaying it and they keep saying
when it happens if Allah subhana and so
on so so when you ask them why exactly
they delay their marriages you hear all
these all these assumtions about uh the
meaning of marriage and the
responsibilities they're expecting from
the relationship so they're kind of
they're freaking out they're really
getting the wrong the wrong assumption
about marriage it seems that the rate of
divorce as it goes high in the Muslim
Community it sends the wrong signal to
the people so many of them they kind of
shunning the idea of getting married and
they keep pushing it as far as they
could hoping that they will become ready
for it emotionally mentally whatever
financially and so on but in the process
as they do that they also put so much
pressure on themselves because again
culturally people they see a young lady
for example a young guy at an age that
they expect to be married and the
question that comes so why aren't you
married yet so there's so much active so
much pressure on them hence when it
comes to college specifically in college
many students they want to spend some
time again maybe they're serious or
genine about getting married or maybe
just fantasizing until they finish
school so then they get married
afterwards uh how important is it now in
in uh Islam to get married to really be
uh mature in a mature state of mind that
you're really because we know it's half
of our Dean when we say it's half of our
Dean why talk about the importance of
really you know focusing on on this
important uh part of your Dean as a
matter of fact Allah subhana wa tala
inah uh he mentioned he mentioned the
the the value of of uh of love and and
mercy which is basically the basis of
any relationship any marriage in the as
a miracle with in the context of
speaking about a lot of Miracles from
the creation of Allah subhana wa tala
Allah was speaking about the creation of
man the creation of the heavens and the
Earth the the creation of the rain and
the alteration of the day and night and
so on and in the middle Allah subhana
says and among his sign is this that he
has created for you from amongst
yourselves means spouses Partners here
and he says so you would find peace and
Tranquility with them
and he placed between your hearts and
means love and mercy or passion and
compassion definitely there are signs
for those who
reflect so Allah mentioned the word
signs twice over here that is one of the
greatest miracles of the creation of
Allah Asel is the creation of man and
woman so they can get together in
matrimony so they can have peace and
Tranquility with each other or at least
that's what they're supposed to strive
for and Allah to make it easy for them
he placed love and Mercy in their heart
so that's natural that Allah created us
uh to Incline towards you know uh uh
getting married towards finding a
partner for ourselves in life that's
part of the sun of Allah subhana T's
creation Now The Prophet sallallahu Al
wasallam seeing this the significance of
that he encouraged people he
said he's speaking to the young the
young people saying that whoever is
actually is capable of getting married
he says do let them do so but of course
now this is when the context of of of
your culture back then getting married
was very simple and easy uh the the
demands that marriage entailed from
people back then was not as many as as
they are today uh so some people they
try to take of course the idealism of
that time perhaps when it comes to
marriage and try to project this today
and bypassing a lot of essential things
that would make the relationship
successful especially the younger
generation being Hasty and rushing into
things they just want to get married in
any way they just want to get married uh
do you think that most marriages they
they collapse
they they don't end up becoming fruitful
because the reference point usually as I
open the show is Hollywood and Bollywood
actually there are two honestly there
are two points of preferences that we
have and that's the problem basically
when people want to put Center you have
to put between two poles sometimes we
take it basically to extremes so the
poll of the center becomes a little bit
off what it's supposed to happen so some
people they they want to make their
marriage like a fairy tale M Hollywood
style Bollywood style whatever and
others they want to make their marriage
completely completely as if it's like
you you know from the time of the
Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam which
is the Sunnah that we need to follow of
course there's no doubt about it but not
taking the culture of that time in in in
consideration how easy it was how simple
things were H the demands for marriage
were less of course than than there are
today so either way if they try to have
an ideal relationship an ideal form of
marriage it might fail in the
Contemporary context of our lives and
also if they would like to take
completely a fairy tale style which only
exists in movies not even realities and
they will also fail so people they just
go to extremes they don't take things in
the right context uh we're going to take
a break shake and we come back a lot
more to ask you on this very important
topic here on the dean show with Shake
yasz don't go anywhere please subscribe
to the dean show follow us on our
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The Links below please also help support
the dean show by making a donation in
the link
[Music]
below back here on the dean show and
hope you're taking notes
love notes that's the class you teach
and if anyone you're actually going to
be teaching it in Chicago coming up this
weekend this weekend hopefully this gets
out uh before then if not uh people can
go and look you up and it has all the
whole schedule uh tell us now look um
Shake we know that uh how simple is this
process the the Islamic marriage what
what does it entail and how simple it is
well I mean when it comes to marriage
it's supposed to be easy Subhan Allah
made it very simple and very easy even
if people study the F of getting married
in terms of establishing the commitment
establishing the contract itself the
nikah itself it's actually very simple
how long does it take a few seconds and
in terms of the actual contract it's
actually and so there have to be the the
the the the groom the bride her her
father in this case for example or
someone who represents her and two
witnesses and when they speak in front
of a rep an authority to to establish
the nikah uh the first person says that
I've I've given you my daughter
basically in marriage the other one says
I accept your daughter in marriage and
eventually we're done this is that as
simple as that of course there are
certain technicalities in there but as
simple as that however to get to this
point people they need to be ready for
it that's what takes actually a while to
prepare the people for this point so in
terms of starting the nikah itself it's
very simple the preparation for it it
takes a while uh that's where people
people Unfortunately they they
complicate things so what are what are
the qualification to get to this point
of getting married that's what makes
things very difficult for many many
people so for instance of the common
things these days is that the financial
burden to get to this point so
initiating the marriage is no longer as
easy as it used to be in the past it has
it costs people and I was surveying
people at this in for example in Chicago
area for instance they say in average
it's about $50,000 for example just to
initiate the marriage contract now not
every every young man who barely came
out of college find a job now he thinks
he's ready for marriage can afford for
example 50,000 that means he's going to
have to negotiate that with his parents
and with his family not every family is
able and capable of doing that so
financially speaking it actually becomes
a a huge burden on them another thing uh
some of the ladies basically they wait
for for themselves to finish education
they want to finish education but then
education doesn't have limit so they
want to finish bachelor's degree and
then they go to master's degree and they
may take another master's degree and so
on and they're waiting basically to for
the right person to come so they can
maybe make a commitment after that these
things these things are shifting our
Focus the Dynamics of marriage are
shifting and changing because of the
requirements people put on in order for
this point to come which is the the
actual contract itself uh so a father
sees his son son's about close about 8
years old he starts put Mose in his hair
you know he's a good kid and uh the
father's asking his son he's like real
surprised what's going on here right and
and he starts uh asking him questions
and they start talking about marriage he
asks him so when would you like to get
married son and the the son thinks and
he's like about 14 15 so the point here
is at what should these conversations
start with your children at a young age
and living in the culture that we're in
right right now with a lot of the
pitfalls that you know young kids can
fall into is it better that if the child
now grows to be mature at what age
obviously after we passed the legal age
of marriage but now let's say 18 19 20
early 20s is it encouraged now that if
the children really you know instead of
falling into the Haram that we make the
Halal easy and we start encouraging them
you know to get married what do you
think on this the key word that you
mentioned yourself is maturity so when
it comes to age there's of course
there's a legal requirement as we live
in the society over here so we have to
abide by that yes
and also it's an ethical issue as well
however historically speaking in the
life of of mankind whether it's a Muslim
culture even culture of other faiths as
well uh people that used to get married
at a very young age now what is exactly
why would they do that for today this
would could be considered you
know um a crime perhaps but back then it
was the norm why is that because the
level of maturity coincided at that time
with the age of puberty because with the
age of puberty Financial matur also
coincides with that as well back then so
at age 14 15 a young man at that moment
would not be considered a minor he would
be considered a man who's already
actually uh having a skill uh earning
money capable of of maybe running
household and so forth that was back
then today maybe we're still very young
at that age it's considered very young
so what happened is that we push the age
of puberty I mean the age of maturity uh
in general to coincide with
education so for us as long as the
person is still in school we don't see
the person is still ready for marriage
so if he's 23 years old and still doing
his bachelor's degree uh it's very
difficult very difficult for parents to
accept uh giving their daughters in full
relationship and full marriage when he's
still in school they might accept the
compromise and that is to have the nikah
done to have the the the the marriage
contract done but the actual wedding and
moving in together they might postpone
that until they're both are ready to
move in together which is is for them
for the man to finish his school you
know earn start earning his money and
then for the lady also to finish your
school as well that is now how people
actually enging this so when it comes to
age it it really depends on the maturity
and maturity in two things over here
understanding the responsibility of
marriage uh uh and number two is that
the uh the fact that they know they know
that they're they the age factor for
them right now is legal as well so once
they have the maturity of marriage and
the responsibilities of marriage are
understood very very well and they
display of course and their manners and
their lifestyle that they understand
that they'll be ready for marriage is
this alternative better now uh then
because you'll hear stories okay because
when you enter the atmosphere now the
whole culture you know where people go
to the universities for the experience
yes and now you get sucked in to a lot
of the like I said the pitfalls but then
you hear of it's unfortunate even
Muslims will fall into you know Zena and
doing really bad things that's the
reality then someone will shine from the
bunch and you'll hear let's say a sister
that she's uh you know she's married
she's still in University but they
haven't moved in together they did what
you just said they didn't a but she's
preserving herself her Chastity her
morality uh is is this something really
to consider for parents who are out
there because one more thing Shake uh uh
we can many people can see this who
grown up here but some people are naive
who they don't know the culture some
parents come from back home and they
really don't know what's going on true
you see when it comes to doing doing
this uh doing the nikah and delaying the
the uh the wedding two years maybe one
and a half years on a year or even more
than that until their kids are ready for
marriage uh it's a compromise that
parents do in order to preserve the
Chasity of their children and help their
kids as well you know do the right thing
you know I admire the parents I admire
the young ones who take that step to
preserve themselves and protect
themselves from falling into the Haram
but as much as I would love for them to
proceed with that I personally say that
this is would be actually a case by
casee scenario by I cannot give this as
a blanket you know answer for everybody
because not all young men and women are
mature enough to understand the meaning
of that you see most of these kids what
they want to really do they want just to
Halal ify a dating experience for
themselves they want someone to go to
the movies with someone to eat ice cream
with someone just to hang out with
that's what they want unfortunately in
many many cases because they see their
friends on Muslim they do these things I
don't see any any problem with that but
for them because they know that they
they fear Allah subhana wa they want to
do the right thing but at the same they
they don't want to wait any longer so
they try to do that so by doing so
unfortunately they they they're trying
to earn the pleasure and the privilege
the marriage is providing for them
without acknowledging or assuming the
responsibility that marriage demands
from them that's the problem so one two
years being in a relationship uh if they
keep their word and commitment of course
not to consumate their marriage until
later that that that is great but the
pressure is so high so which is so great
on them so it is actually a good
arrangement again if the circumstances
are right and it's a caseby casee
scenario but the best way to do for
these young men and women honestly is to
speed up the process of finishing
education being in school doesn't mean
to delay your
maturity they need to St study finish
their school in the process
act on working on getting married
meaning they need to start acting like
that they need to start preparing
themselves for that psychologically
mentally even financially if possible in
any way that is possible for them we're
going to be right back with more here on
the dean show don't go anywhere please
subscribe to the dean show follow us on
our official Facebook and Twitter pages
in The Links below please also help
support the dean show by making a
donation in the link
[Music]
below back here on the D show my good
friend sh y
thank you again for being with
us and okay uh why do you feel now look
um we know marriage obviously is half of
our Dean like uh I mentioned earlier and
it's something that is helping to
preserve your Islam and uh we look back
in history and it seemed like the
marriages
were they were able to uh hold better
together but to today they seem like
this deteriorating much quicker why is
this Subhan Allah I mean um I've been
actually doing these workshops and these
surveys with the Young Generation and
and talking to students in MSA Camp you
know MSA and campuses and so forth so
what I've seen that there are certain
Trend that is happening in the Muslim
Community back in the days when it comes
to marriage people they understood the
meaning of commitment for them
commitment is the word for marriage
today our generation the younger
generation growing up in a different
culture that culture has certain
elements number one it provides so much
so much choice for them uh having Choice
multiple choice a lot more than what
they expect even subh so they think that
they the variety gives them choice they
deserve that choice there's no doubt
about it but unfortunately they don't
make the right choice sometimes in many
cases so since they have options they
keep delaying because there is no rush
that's number one number two many of the
younger generation today live in what I
person call the eye the eye generation
because everything is about iPhone iPad
iTune and then comes the I know so
basically it's the generation that
thinks that it knows everything and as a
result they they don't when it comes to
marriage it's one of the thing that
Unfortunately they don't even try to
learn they don't even try to take a
course or even an education or training
actually therefore the thing that just
like it happened and worked for their
parents it must work for us as well and
then hence of course the problem that
they have because they don't have the
proper training for it another thing
about this generation lacks one of the
most I personally believe the essential
qualities for a successful relationship
and that is patience you see the prophet
says that Allah subhana did not bestow
anything on anybody that is more
beneficial and is more uh uh valuable to
a person than patience this is the value
that our young graduation failing to to
to acquire and and have why because they
live in the in the age of instant
gratification yeah you see everything is
instant for them back in the day people
they had to stand in lines to get their
things done it used to take time to get
things done and so forth today
everything is instant you have
smartphones in your pocket that you get
everything done instantly uh you don't
stand in lines because you can do it
online uh everything is done driveth
through instead of taking time to go
into the store and so on so as a result
the generation got used to it everything
is basically is easy so if things are
not done quickly that provides instant
gratification for them they become
irritated and they don't really Hold On
Together another thing because of the
availability of things in this culture
uh we stop believing in fixing things if
your shirt drips you don't fix it
anymore you just bring a new one because
it's easier and cheaper if your phone
breaks you just replace it with a new
one because it's easier and cheaper
hence if your marriage breaks you don't
fix it because you can bring another one
cuz easier perhaps or cheaper that's the
perception
so the generation the values of marriage
are shifting and changing back in those
days their culture you know set the the
standards for them so husband wife came
to the relationship with the you know
expectations that they both they know
what to expect and what what they're
getting and what they're giving in in
this generation the expectation has been
shattered and no roof has been placed
over their heads left for them to
negotiate that and when they do they
might not do the right thing together
Shake Hadi last final messenger sent to
mankind Prophet Muhammad peace be upon
him who was a brother to Jesus Moses
Abraham they all came with the same
message worship the Creator not the
creation the guidance that brings the
light when people are in a pit of
Darkness it shows the light so people
can see straight and they can see really
what this life is about and really
focusing not on the tempor temporary the
temporal but the permanent Jenna so the
prophet peace be upon him when he said
that this Jenna that's Eternal is going
to be surrounded by the undesirable
things and the Hellfire will be
surrounded by you know the desable
things so now isn't at the end of the
day you have to decide what you want do
you want to have the goal and Ultimate
Prize this temporal life or do you want
Jenna and if marriage is half your Dean
you're going to get mature and you're
going to get serious with it absolutely
you see and even since marriage is half
of our Deen basically because Subhan
Allah half of your your Dean is
spirituality and also living this life
as well however some people they they're
actually misunderstanding this Hadith as
well follow this misunderstand the
concept itself thinking that if they're
going into FNA the best escape from this
FNA is getting married thinking that
marriage is just like a magic wand you
know it just fixes all the all their
spiritual failure and problems instantly
so they try to they want to get married
and they make wrong choices why because
they're rushing into it and they just
want to get married so they don't fall
into the Haram they don't realize that
if they have a spiritual problem that's
between them and Allah and their marital
status is absolutely irrelevant to it if
you have a problem with your Salah if
you have if you don't wake up for f on
time if you can't fast Mondays and
Thursday if you can't lower your gaze if
this and that and so on marriage is not
going to fix that instantly for you it
might help you it might give you
leverage there's no doubt about it
however it's not the thing that will fix
your spiritual failure if you have a
problem with that you have to do it the
right way this is between you and Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala so there is no doubt
that people need to think to to to
assist help each other of course you
know do the right thing as much as
possible and when it comes to marriage
you have to approach it the proper way
as well
inala but again at the same time I don't
want people to make marriage as an
escape from a reality that they're
living in so if they feel that they they
have problems spiritual problems they
need to work on these spiritual problems
regardless of they were married or not
so that when the time comes for them to
get married inshallah tal hopefully
they're they're cured and they're good
so that goes if we back it up to the
heart of if the heart's already corrupt
and you jump into the Mir it's not going
to fix the heart of course it's not
going to fix
marriage doesn't fix the heart for you
yeah it's you by the will of Allah
subhah wa tala with your with your good
actions and good intentions will fix
that and also that would work for you
when you get married as well so if you
have a good heart now you your focus is
Jenna your focus is the dean and now
someone comes to marry your daughter or
vice versa and you look for those good
Dean and the good then it should I mean
the the component should be there for a
successful absolutely and Subhan Allah
if someone has these these qualities it
will show in their in their in their
Deeds it will show on their character it
will show in in the community people
they ask me when do you see when do I
when do I know that I'm ready for
marriage I said you want people will
know how is that I says if you act like
someone who's ready for marriage they
will see that but if you're always
acting like you know like you're a
responsible person regardless how much
you convince yourself you're ready for
it people they won't see that in you so
you need to act like someone who's
already actually there and and that's
when someone becomes more responsible
what people look for in a in a spouse
they need the the the good practice of
the dean they want the good akl and
manners they want the the responsibility
the maturity you need to acquire these
regardless of your marital status once
you have it you will shine among the
crowd people they will go and will see
this is someone who's ready for marriage
and eventually you will find someone
there for you shake we're out of time
can you leave us with something else
that we can benefit from for the person
who's out there struggling you know they
have a good heart and they really want
to get married but now maybe the
companionship their friends pulling them
away from Marriage maybe they're
starting having cold feet right and and
and and all these doubts creeping into
their minds maybe Hollywood Bollywood
and all the other distractions what what
advice do you have for him well see
Subhan Allah I mean uh in this situation
there is no doubt we said earlier it all
goes back again to your heart so uh and
this is something between you and Allah
subhanahu wa taala when it comes to life
it's all full with struggles and every
every age group has its own struggles
the struggle of that age group subh is
the fit of trying to have this the sound
companionship and uh if you need to you
need to be be basically as much as
possible you know in this kind of FNA
and going back to Allah subhana wa tala
as part of your trials as much as
possible how would you do that first of
all your heart you all work on this I
know so many people they work on their
eyes they work on their you know on
their deeds on their actions and so
forth but the last thing that takes
attention from them is their heart it's
very important that you watch basically
how your heart is reacting to these
things meaning fill it with IM fill it
with uh with contentment and fill with r
from Allah subhah wa tala what you need
to do is do your part some people they
think that they have to become Mah super
religious in order to to protect
themselves for the FNA no even those who
are religious they are go they go into
the FNA so how do you do that always do
your part and then be content with the
result that comes from Allah subhanahu
wa'ta'ala you see Allah says in
the and Allah will give you until you
content not until you're happy some of
us they do so many things expecting to
be happy at the end at the end of what
they're doing but it's not that what
makes you really happy if you're content
with the result from Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala you you'll become normal you feel
normal as a human being but always
targeting something idealistic will
always feel that you're falling short
all the time so be reasonable do your
best fill your heart insh with IM with
faith with believe in Allah do the right
thing as much as you can insh waala
whatever comes as a result result still
a fitness still a trial from Allah you
be patient with that come back to Allah
subh all the time may Allah protect you
and protect your
families thank you very much they can
look you up where now in it's going to
be actually in in in Western itasa
Chicago and from there if they miss this
one they can go to they can go to Al
www.m.org inah and they can see the
classes comes in on screen love notes
love notes thank you we start with peace
we with peace peace be with you and
thank you for tuning in to the dean show
and I hope you got to benefit and and
one of the main things that we leave off
here and the shik had mentioned it so
many times and we talked about it was
the heart and that reminds me of the
saying of the last and final M of
prophet Muhammad peace be upon him who
said that there is a moral of Flesh in a
body and and and if if it's sound then
the whole body is sound and that's the
heart so when we focus on the heart and
we give it what it needs it needs
connection with its maker it needs to be
charged just like that iPhone is charged
that heart needs to be charged with what
with all of the things that the creator
has prescribed for it and then when you
start living this way of life not
part-time but full-time then the heart
gets right and then you start to not
take Demi Moore or Patrick suy and The
Ghost and the Hollywood and you start
looking to them for what love is no you
look to the best of examples sent to
mankind the pro Muhammad peace be upon
him and the mothers of the Believers his
wives that's right and that's how we're
going to be successful if you have any
doubts dial up direct to the one who
created you and reach out to those
qualified enough to give you that advice
and we'll see you next time subscribe if
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willing until then peace be with you
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