he wants to be loved he wants people to
cheer for him and all of this um hatred
stuff directed toward
him it it's not good for him I always
want to be loved you
know like when I went on dates if a
woman dropped me which happened
often I would always like to say or at
least in my own mind that I dropped her
does that make
sense so what happened makes me feel
better
the
the asalamu alaykum greeting of Peace
we're with our special guest 20 years
experience helping patch things up we
want to keep families together with our
sister hala
banani hala banani Hal ban I always mess
up people's names Hal hala banani hala
banani
very good thank you for having me on
thank you for being with us sure uh 20
years experience yes before we get into
like exactly like a little bit of your
background because you're a psychologist
you help with psychology I do I do you
know um our new president Donald Trump
right right uh who was it um there was
um some I forgot his name he's also a
friend of Donald Trump and he says he
said that this is really bad on Donald
because Donald wants to be loved I um
actually think this is something that um
is going to be very detrimental to his
mental health too because he wants to be
light he wants to be loved he wants
people to cheer for him and all of this
um hatred stuff directed toward
him it's not good for him it's not good
and and uh
it's listen there's a reason every
president who leaves the office has gray
hair I always want to be loved you know
and there's a lot of hate you know
that's out there focusing you know
towards we would say towards the Muslims
you know you as a psychologist if you
want to be loved what advice would you
give to someone if Donald Trump was your
client all right oh wow what would you
say to him what would I say to him if he
was a client yeah well depending on what
he's in for right um wanting to be
loved you know I think first of all we
have to have the right intention for
doing things so merely doing it to gain
approval or love from others is not
sufficient I think that we should always
live with a higher purpose so I would
say direct that towards having a more
genuine and more sincere intention
because the love of the people you you
could get it and it's very trivial it
can come and go so I would say have more
sincerity and do things that will unite
do things that will um bring the country
together and and benefit benefit
everyone I mean that's because now Psy
in your area of expertise of to clinical
psychologist talk to us a little bit
about that for someone who's not
familiar they first time they've heard
this term sure I did my masters in
Clinical Psychology and Clinical
Psychology is actually it's a a 60-hour
credit course where uh marriage and
family is 30 hours so it was very
intensive and um and alhamdulillah it
was something that I was very passionate
about and I focus on all different uh
mental health problems so whether it's
whether it's anxiety depression marriage
individual family everything I I deal
with it all how do you deal with the
fact that you you do have a lot of
people who are out there trying to they
so-called like you know self-proclaimed
Scholars they got them on Fox News you
know I don't know some lady Ali who this
that and the other and they're like you
know the Muslim woman's oppressed they
need to speak for the Muslim woman
you're a Muslim woman you're imitating
the the mother of Jesus who we love and
rever right there's a chapter named
after her in the Quran what do you have
to say for people who think that you're
oppressed you know alhamdulillah I feel
that Islam has empowered us and I feel
incredibly empowered I don't feel
oppress in any way shape or form uh made
the decision to wear the hijab on my own
against the will of the family actually
and against uh against the societal
Norms but it's just something that I
believe in and I feel that that I can
you know achieve anything as a Muslim
woman alhamdulillah so no oppression
here and I usually say I say why don't
you talk I mean is that a good idea I
mean talk to the Muslim woman talk to
her I mean there's statistically now
there's more Islam being the fastest
growing way of life in the world but
more women are coming to Islam than men
why don't you step up and talk to the
Muslim women exactly and I see what
happens when we make that connection
whether whether it's flying whether
you're at a at a restaurant or making
these kind of connections where you
share and you talk and you find that
people just really put down their guards
the stereotypes are all they they fade
away and just by merely meeting another
Muslim and and sharing the thoughts and
the um and and it's just it's I think it
really changes their perspective so get
out there and meet a Muslim is what I
have meet a Muslim and I I am I'm very
optimistic and hopeful I mean I'm trying
I tried and we should as Muslims look
for the good and situ obviously many of
these politicians we we mentioned Donald
Trump and we'll go off into I just want
to uh mention this I I'm hoping that uh
that there'll be good that comes from
from this obviously we want we we let
let the organizations hold those
politicians who who do unjust things to
account but I strongly feel what do you
think that he should sit with Muslims
meet the Muslims invite the Muslims talk
with them get to know us there's that
Canadian Prime Minister he's get Trudeau
he's getting he's got it down he's got
it down I mean come on tell us from from
a psychological point of view I mean
sitting get get to know what these
Muslim don't these radicals or whoever
they don't represent Islam exactly ex
with the mainstream Community right and
I think that when a politician does that
when they take the time and effort to
get to know the community when they
visit the mosque when they go uh there
was actually a report recently of a man
who who claimed he said I hated Muslims
John ducher will straight out tell you
what he thought of Muslims I actually
hated Muslims and he said that um once
he got neighbors who were Muslims and he
interacted with them he was in tears and
he said my you saw that the women with
their headdress on you know I just would
sneer at them ducher was surrounded by
the people he loathed but Muslims moving
in moved him it took this to um yeah to
to wake me you know wake me up yeah a
change of heart for the man who didn't
realize he had such a big heart yeah his
whole attitude changed and now he's like
they're big brother so for politicians
for anyone out there if um you take the
effort and you um you go and you meet
your neighbors you go to the local
mosque and you'll see that it um there's
so much more we have in common so many
uh so many unifying forces that we have
there's a lot of commonalities a lot I
mean if if people would focus on that
and make that it's so powerful that
human connection and Islam by itself is
so powerful there's so much good there
and I think if a lot of these people you
know would take the time to come visit
us visit the mosque get to know your
Muslim neighbor ask those tough
questions we we address them here at the
dean show right and uh as a clinical
psychologist uh hate that doesn't that
just breed more hate it sure does it
sure does I think if we are instilling
this fear in people it fear what it does
it it mobilizes people and it really
makes them act irrationally so the more
fear that is instilled in the hearts of
the people the more radically they react
to that so you find that there's a lot
of hate crimes you find that people are
um they are overreacting and so
definitely if we can instill that sense
of commonality focus on that then it
truly makes a difference and what's been
very beneficial I think the um you know
we always say that everything that
happens there's a wisdom behind and
there's all and what has happened is
that it has galvanized so many people so
many good-hearted non-muslims to to uh
solidify and to join and in solidarity
with the Muslims so I find that a lot of
is coming out of all this a lot of good
is coming out I mean that is that's what
I'm saying look for the good there are a
lot of the people are coming out of the
Woodworks they're seeing a lot of
injustices a lot of this hate pointed
towards the Muslims yes and like this is
unjust it's not right and they're
getting to know the Muslim speaking you
saw the prayer the Muslims were praying
that was beautiful it's beautiful and
when you tune into the dean show and you
really get to know what Islam is about
you have a different understanding a
totally different perspective we're
going to be right back we got the T we
haven't even touched upon the five
pillars of marriage yes we're going to
talk about it more you want to save your
marriage we're going to get into what
these uh the top 10 characteristics for
conflict resol giving people a taste
of all the work that's on your site
we'll be talking about it here on the
dean show don't go anywhere please
subscribe to the dean show follow us on
our official Facebook and Twitter pages
in The Links below please also help
support the dean show by making a
donation in the link
below back here on the dean show and we
already started off with a a positive
message for the
president uh and hopefully he'll take
the advice coming from Hala banani H
banani 20 years experience now clinical
psychologist five tell us about this
website Five Pillars of marriage why'
you start why' you name it five pillar
we had the five pillars of Islam why'
you choose the five pillars of marriage
okay well um this is a project my
husband and I have been working on for
the past three years alhamdulillah and
the reason we chose the Five Pillars
these are the five most important
aspects of marriage and we wanted people
to associate it to Islam and that it is
it is integrated together the the
psychological perspective and the Islam
that's what that's what I do I bring the
two together and so the the pillars are
you've got the self-development that's
one pillar right and that's all about
making yourself better if you're better
then you will bring more to the table
you'll bring more to your marriage the
second pillar is friendship which is you
know they've done research that those
individuals who whose marriages last 20
30 40 years it's because they had a
friendship with their spouse
the third one is um is spirituality
which is that being aware of being God
conscious and knowing that everything
that you do you're going to be held
accountable for MH fourth pillar is
conflict resolution and that's the meat
of the um of the program where you learn
how to resolve conflict what to do to
avoid it what to do after a fight it's
just all the issues that come up and how
to deal with it and the fifth pillar is
a physical intimacy and and I put them
in order for a reason just used a lot of
psychology in that is that we have to
work on oursel first then we build the
Friendship we have to be aware of Allah
to resolve the conflict and once we
resolve the conflict and all those
things are in place then you can open up
and be physical tell her what do you
think so this is a great I mean I've
I've um spent some time on the site you
got a an area where it says start here
yes right you break it down I'll get
into more of that in a in in in a few
but tell me have you heard of I had this
best-selling New York uh times
bestselling author Laura doyo who was on
the program from the surrender
surrendering wife right and she talks
what's the difference between you've
done a lot of marriage counseling what's
the difference between the traditional
Behavioral Counseling and the kind of
counseling that you that you that you do
right very different quite different I
do um cognitive behavioral therapy and I
do short-term solution focused therapy
that's why men love it actually men are
coming Middle Eastern men coming to
therapy and they're enjoying the process
alhamdulillah because it is very much
geared towards changing the cognition
the way you think about things in order
to change the behavior and it's really
it's really interesting because when
when a couple comes to me it's not so
much about you know just tell me your
problems right it's not just about he
said she said because sometimes when
people do that it gets heated and they
get they're more upset after the therap
that's exactly what she said exactly and
many therapists use that uh use that
approach but alhamdulillah I have a very
different a completely different
approach and a methodology that I've
designed myself and it's very much when
they come actually I get them on that
first session they're giggling they're
bonding they're sharing and it's just um
it's a way of uniting the couple
alhamdulillah it's not like a trash Me
session like so where she talks about
that and she quoted a UCLA study that
actually most people who go to that type
of counseling a year later somewhat L
the marriages just fail it doesn't work
you're sitting there disrespecting each
other just you know trashing each other
B of course no I don't allow that in the
session it's very much about coming on
the same page finding things that they
can you know uh kind of recapturing the
past and and learning how to have a good
marriage that's the f I said we can take
that route of he said she said it's a
long and expensive route the men are
like no no no no we're not going to take
that route or we can learn how to have a
good marriage and that's the route we
take and alhamdulillah I've been seeing
amazing results you have on your section
here it say conflict resolution let's
give them a taste you have the top 10
I'm going to uh not go in any
chronological order I'll just uh you can
elaborate a few on a few of these one of
them is positivity you start off with
positivity right this is a the
characteristic the 10 characteristics to
have before you even get into a conflict
it's so important to be positive because
some people come in to a therapy session
and they're just they're so negative
they're so pessimistic they have no hope
they feel like this is over and with
that mentality we are not going to make
progress so um as a mman as a Believer
we are we are trained we have no option
but to be positive right so we have to
have U that H think the best of Allah
and think that everything that is
happening is good for us and so when
you're positive you come in with a
certain energy and you're ready to make
things uh change things around next one
is empathy empathy empathy it's all
about feeling for the other person a lot
of times people come in and they're so
selfish they're just thinking about me
me me right but when you are empathetic
you're thinking about your spouse you're
thinking about where are they coming
from what are they feeling and we dig
deep we realize what's behind their
position and where where are they coming
from and once once I see couples
understand that they can um resolve
issues acceptance acceptance okay we all
want to be accepted we all want to feel
loved and accepted and when you give
your spouse that feeling of acceptance
then it's just it is the most wonderful
feeling and that means not trying to
change them not trying to make them you
know either thinner or more religious or
change their careers it's about
accepting them for who they are now how
if someone says on the other end well uh
how can I accept someone let's say
that's transgressing all sorts of limits
how do you do it it's like an art there
that for positive change where okay you
accept them for they are but then for
the for some maybe someone has some
negative habits what what do you do
there sure well I have that um on the
conflict resolution and talking about
how sometimes you have a mismatch
spirituality actually I think it's on
spirituality the pillar of spirituality
and there are definitely methodologies
ways that by being a good example by
encouragement Never by demanding Never
by becoming a parent to your spouse and
you know telling them you have to pray
you haven't prayed and and nagging in
that sort of way so there's definitely a
way of encouraging each other to be our
best but not necessarily um forcing it
so you go over all that yes I do on
pillar three five pillars of marriage
we're going to be right back with more
we got to cover these 10 uh keys for the
top characteristics for conflict
resolution we covered a few of them
we're giving you a taste this is a great
website great resource for your marriage
we'll be right back don't go anywhere
please subscribe to the dean show follow
us on our official Facebook and Twitter
pages in The Links below please also
help support the dean show by making a
donation in the link below
back here on the dean show Five Pillars
of marriage is it five pillars of
marriage.com yes it is five pillars of
marriage.com we're giving you a taste of
what's on the site now before I get into
touching upon some more of these some
people are just really they become
despondent they become really they've
given up on their marriage they' like
whatever you're reading these things to
me I'm just not there what do you say in
this situation they feel like it's a
sinking ship right I always tell them
don't give up and give it one last try
because a lot of times people want that
emotional connection they feel like this
marriage I don't have the emotional
connection I want more I want more
intimacy I want more of a feeling like
my spouse has my back they're supportive
they're comforting and I'm sick and
tired of the fighting and the ignoring
and the explosions so what I tell them
is that you know it's I understand that
many times people have given it a lot of
effort and I don't doubt that it's not a
lack of effort it's the lack of the
correct knowledge and the correct
methodologies so it's really about
learning learning effective ways that
can really change things up do do you
see that because we've developed a lot
of throughout life we just kind of
things been passed down from our parents
maybe right maybe they didn't have the
the best of the marriages so we do
things how dad did or Mom did so maybe
she was dis disrespecting he was
disrespectful he wasn't helpful and now
we kind of just you know we don't have
the tools the proper data to go ahead
and uh Implement and it's just in
shambles where we have it we have I mean
we have the Quran yes we have the
example of the of of the last and final
messenger Prophet
Muhammad so now and then the application
and that's one of the things you talk
about wisdom how to apply it so how do
you from years of just doing it like
Burger King your own way right and now
you this is coming to you many many
people they they haven't had these tools
how do you get all this where it's it's
it's um something now you can start uh
because back you've been doing it just
your way for so long and now how how do
you incorporate transition right it is
we are so affected by our environment by
our parents and like you said many
people don't have the example so that's
why a program like this when you go
through it and you learn it then you can
actually um it's kind of like resetting
your whole outlook on marriage it's uh
it's rebooting it completely and
learning from scratch because a lot of
times um all it takes is just making
some simple changes I had this one
couple come in the wife cried throughout
the whole first session the man was like
I I'm giving up right and it was just a
matter of applying some of these
techniques and and learning new ways of
dealing with one another overlooking
forgiving and then and then learning how
to resolve the conflict that Subhan
Allah within a few short sessions they
were on second honeymoon you know so it
it works when you learn the new
techniques and you apply it so the the
wisdom that you asked about is that what
you were asking yeah that's one of also
the characteristics yes yes wisdom I
would say I would highlight that and
underline it because that is so critical
for us to have wisdom to and wisdom is
defined as knowing what to say how to
say it when to say it and to whom to say
it to so it takes a lot of wisdom to
have any kind of uh good relationship
but especially when when it comes to
marriage emotional stability I think
this is VE very uh powerful you have it
there sometime we just lose ourselves in
our emotions and things men and women
both right sometimes men they might be
emotionally unstable they get angry and
reactionary women become very unstable
emotionally maybe having uh all sorts of
outbursts so for me I think this is very
critical I spent like almost two years
teaching this um in in Dallas in one of
the mosque talking about emotional
stability how important it is as a
Muslim to be able to control our
reaction our emotions because that is
what true strength of character is not
just not just being impulsive but
thinking through and acting in a way
just like the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam having that kind of prophetic
character okay lot of I mean this there
I don't think there's any arguing with
with any of these things it just makes
sense anyone who's reasonable rational
and really wants you know to do things
the right way I mean it's here but how
do you get when there's one party is
like let's stick to it let let's just do
this okay we're going to but then the
other party is kind of like halfway
there it's like they keep going back to
those bad habits right and this happens
a lot right so many people come in and
maybe the husband is dragging his feet
to come into the session and sometimes
it's the it's the woman not uh being
very open and receptive so what I tell
people is that even if you're the only
one working on your marriage you can
save it now how because as you change
yourself then your spouse is going to
react to you differently right because
you're making changes you're overcoming
your shortcomings maybe you had a temper
and then you learn how to control your
anger maybe you're um you weren't very
affectionate so you learned to be more
affectionate so obviously that's going
to have an impact on your spouse and if
you do that long enough and you're
patient enough then you're going to see
that that it totally transforms the
relationship because you're no longer
the same person and uh so even if you're
the only one going through the program
you can you can inshallah save your
marriage by applying um applying the
things and working on yourself
because that Allah does not change the
condition of the people until they
change themselves so we can work on
oursel we can improve it and then our
relationship inshallah will improve as
well
is it pretty I'm seeing it's pretty easy
to navigate you also I like this where
I'm on the site Five Pillars of marriage
as a section uh start here so you in as
soon as you get on start right there and
you have some I noticed the videos
they're not too long in the beginning
they're short right they're short videos
every subject has a separate video and
that way it keeps the person's attention
and it's talking about how go through it
in order you don't want to skip because
some people may be like oh I have the
conflict so I want to just like jump
right into that but if you take it in
order it builds and there is a
psychological reason for the order that
I've chosen you even have a bonus
section here infidelity you know you
have other inlaws you know things that
anger management right a very special um
a special bonus that we have I had Sheik
yasari do a one-h hour special for the
program and also Sheik omaran and they
talked about the rights and
responsibilities of the marriage and
also about um the f of uh the FI of
marriage and uh the courting period okay
so people are seeing right here they're
getting a little glimpse of it right we
giv them a little taste of some of the
stuff that's on there with you the
person that's in charge who's put this
together all in the essence of trying to
save the marriages it's a big disaster
nowadays is it it's really is it's so
sad I mean every single day I have
people who come in who are you know
they've been married for maybe 18 years
and they're fed up and they're ready to
call it quits there are people who come
in and there's been cheating there's
infidelity from both sides unfortunately
so what this does is that not everyone
is motivated to go to a therapist not
everyone can financially afford it so
this is something you can do in the
privacy of your own home you log on you
if you get it today you can start today
so it's not something like you have to
wait for a specific time and in the
comfort of your own home you learn it
and then you can apply it and start
changing your marriage people can also
con so that's uh what say the website
again that's five the number five
pillars ofm marriage.com and you also do
private sessions via Skype and people
can get your contact right that's uh
halaban an.com and you can have uh I do
uh Skype therapy sessions with people
from around the world alhamdulillah
thank you very much we look forward to
having you back again on the dean show
May God almighty Allah bless you for
your wonderful work thank you for having
me on thank you and there you have it
started off with a message for our
president Donald Trump looking for the
good in situations holding people to
accountable for the Injustice they're
doing but giving advice to make the
human connection with the Muslims and
get to know the Muslims get to know
Islam call us at 1800 662 Islam and then
saving your marriages a great resource
Five Pillars of marriage check it out
get it save your marriage and we'll see
you next time here in the dean show
until then peace be with you