this is the
the alhamdulillah Alum greetings of
peace peace be with you thank you for
tuning in to another episode of the dean
show Islam is built on the Five Pillars
that you worship none but the creator of
the heavens and earth that you establish
a direct dialup connection with it five
times a day pay the charity to poor do
fast during the month of Ramadan and do
the Hajj the pilgrimage to the first
house of worship built by Abraham and
from there you're constantly striving to
the the best human being that you can be
but you need your other half and half
your Dean half your way of life is when
you find that other half that man or
that woman you come together you're not
being out there promiscuous you're not
being out there dating boys and girls
and doing all these things that are not
pleasing to the Creator you came
together and you got married so we want
you to stay together sometimes there's
fights and when there are are you
fighting within the perimeters of Islam
the way that's pleasing to the Creator
are you fighting Fair we got all these
questions and more that we're going to
be asking our next guest here on the
dean show don't go nowhere we'll be
right
back
the the
[Music]
the
the this is the D the
D is the
this is
the
the is
the
theum peace be with you peace be with
you too how are you aldah no complaints
there were you 20 years 20 years you've
been helping people stay together
instead of letting them dissolve
relationships that took years to build
you've been you're with the ISL you're
the director of the Islamic C Center of
Canada of religious Affairs you're also
for public relations a director for
Mercy Mission Islam is a merciful
religion it's name Mercy mission is that
our mission a mercy what is this you got
it we're on the mission we're on the
mercy Mission mer Mercy Mission so this
topic now that we're talking about
marriage is it true I open the show is
this half your dean and when we say Dean
what do we mean half of our Dean meaning
the dean is really everything that you
do according to the scholars is uh the
am is what you're entrusted with the is
a debt definition of the linguistically
but is what you owe Allah subhana T and
what you owe the slaves of Allah subhana
wa tala so now when you get together in
marriage is there such a thing as
boyfriend and girlfriend Islam you know
you test drive a little bit hang out you
know get your own apartment and just
test the waters and it doesn't work out
switch go to the next or you know
marriage is the key if you want to get
together with man and woman before I get
to digg in your you know pressing you on
some other very important question there
is there is such a thing as a boyfriend
and girlfriend in Islam I know you're
shocked but we call that a Halal
boyfriend and Halal girlfriend
permissible permissible under the
pretense of being engaged of course with
a Maham and so on so Islam does not
deprive you the uh the opportunity of
getting to know one another before you
get married so it's not a surprise uh or
something that you have no choice uh
before you get marriage of course there
are steps that we ask the brother
sisters to do if we have the time and
the and the opinion comes up we will
tell him what to do before you get
married but are we allowed to get to
know one another yes but boyfriend and
girlfriend as we know it here in the
west of course not but we turn that into
a positive we say we do have a Halal
boyfriend and girlfriend and inshallah
permissible under engagement with a
inshallah where there's no we you're not
sitting together alone I'm not talking
about just physically also on the phone
and chatting and inshallah you'll you'll
understand what I mean by that now again
just one more thing I just remember I
got it email I got an email from someone
and they said that you know everything
about Islam makes sense but I just can't
WRA my my mind around you know not being
able to date I can't rep my it doesn't
make sense how we supposed to get to
know each other before we get married
then you don't like someone and then you
got married and now it's too late you're
married what do you tell the people you
deal a lot with the youth and and you
ask these questions I'm sure all the
time how do you answer course it's the
number one question we get the gender
relations what can we do what can we do
can I have a boyfriend can I have a
girlfriend which is really normal
because this is what prophet Muhammad s
wasallam said the biggest FNA that I
fear that are vet with you is women so I
understand how the brothers feel been
there done that we're not going to deny
him and Islam does not deny the fact
that you should have a beautiful wife or
you should get to know one with the
intention of getting to know you know do
it but let's do it properly now we don't
do it like knock on the door and
Rapunzel throw down your hair and you
know there's Sam Anda and Romeo and
Julet and Go singing stories and all
that stuff these are fictions we we
stick to our Quran andah inah so Islam
does provide you with that but how do
you do it is the proper way to do it
knock on the door you know and come to
the homes according to the Quran through
the gate through the door not the back
not the back door or the window for sure
so coming through the front door
absolutely that's the right way and
Islam lays all this out absolutely it's
in the Quran and Sunnah and we've been
taught how to do this long time ago and
the simple fact is that if you put
yourself in the father's position yeah
you see the differences a father comes
in a man comes up to you knock on the
door says I want to marry your your
daughter he will open up the door he
will tell people about it but if you uh
come from the back door nobody will tell
anything about it you'll be ashamed of
it you won't tell anybody about it so
there is a major difference it's same as
a cat yeah you give her a piece of uh
food it will eat in front of you but if
she steals it you will catch it and run
away so let's do the right thing and
build a relationship and build your home
uh and build your your marital
relationship on the proper way to become
a strong Foundation as opposed of you
playing you paying the price later W I
had a couple in my office that said I
want a divorce the wife wanted to
divorce the the brother and we asked her
why say because we had a uh you know
previous relations inappropriate
relations before the marriage and she
couldn't see the brother anymore to be
uh you know uh trustworthy that you know
he couldn't do things the proper way and
didn't do it according to the Quran and
Sunnah so now she disrespects him and
doesn't want to stay with him anymore so
you know whether we like it or not we
have to please Allah subh start our
relationship in the proper way to please
God Almighty and of course we don't
worry about the people because if you
please God Almighty Allah will be
pleased with you and force people to be
pleased with you too and I certainly
tell the the opposite is true of course
and I tell the sisters please don't be a
statistic if the brothers asking you to
do things behind your father's back he's
not a mean he's not trustworthy he's not
the one that you want to spend the rest
of your life with though he knows
already that he this is is wrong it's a
behavioral issue and we know that that
uh being doing all these things are it's
not permissible it's unlawful so now the
brother has no religious backgrounds and
among the conditions of prophet Muhammad
Sall wasallam is he says he has to have
he has to have moral contact and he has
to have a religious background so if he
doesn't have the religious backgrounds
in trying to play hookie and you know go
whatever it may take we say that that
brother is not the right brother that
you want to be with this is amazing
amazing because you know again before we
get to the the main topic this is
usually the agenda of man the guy
doesn't have that fear of the creator of
the heavens and earth he's trying to get
something that you know uh you can only
have in marriage and women get naive a
lot of times don't they and they listen
to these sweet words and next thing you
know you're just a statistic like you
said used and abused your yesterday's
newspaper it's old and he's had his fun
and you've been just a number now
exactly the reason uh we say this is uh
when you look at the research you'll
find out that men are physically based
women are emotionally based so if a
brother has a little bit of a sweet you
know talking you know groovy and all
that the guy is know like he knows what
to say that he will say you know I love
you honey and all these things and all
of a sudden the sister goes ah you know
she wipes out and I'm yours and we you
know he's got her and that's what we say
you know protect yourself and we're
saying that this is a brother you know
what you do will be done unto you right
you may have a sister your your own
daughter somebody will do the same thing
onto you if you don't want anybody to do
that to your own daughter or your own
wife or your own sister don't do it to
anybody else's so it takes two obviously
yeah tell me the Hadith please please
for the brothers out there and they just
have this desire and you know what the
same way that that brother came to the
prophet and he said that you know would
you excuse me I like to what do he say
fornicate what did the prophet how did
he respond to him yeah he said the same
thing he says I want to become a Muslim
but I you know I have too much you know
lost swims and desires this sexual thing
the urges uh I can't give this up so of
course the companions may Allah be
pleased with all of them were angry and
they want to to get him the prophet
Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wasallam has
the art of Da the best way for
propagation he knows how to read people
he knows the keys for every personality
so he says asked him the same question
he turned the table on him something
that he can relate to that's something
that's tangible he says would you like
anyone to do that to your uh to your
daughter you get angry would you like
anyone to do that to your to your wife
you got angry about your mother and so
on so he went down the list of the of
the female uh members of his family he
says of course not he says all of us are
the same so everyone that you're doing
for anybody else's sister it must be you
feel this is your sister in Islam how
could you would you accept that for
somebody to do it to your to your member
of your family if you don't then don't
do it to anybody else's family because
it's a promise what you do will be done
onto you amazing amazing and that's why
Islam is protecting the family
protecting the man and woman from this
corruption that's going on and who knows
best the creator of the heavens and
earth and marriage that's the key you
want to do it do it God's way do it
Allah LA's way marriage and we're going
to come back to talk about when couples
do get married the Halal way the
permissible way and then they have
disagreements it's normal it's something
that happens but how do you deal with it
so you don't break the home we'll be
back with more with SH Ali here on the
dean show sit tight
[Music]
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lot of experience we just talked about
just touched upon what Islam and Islam
simply means is the same way of life of
all the messengers of God that complete
and total submission to the one God the
creator of all that exists and a Muslim
is one who does that action of Islam of
submitting his or her will to the
creator of the heavens and earth and
he's laid out a whole system a game plan
from A to Z how we need to conduct and
live our lives so we can have peace with
the Creator and peace within ourselves
and peace with the environment and our
surroundings so marriage when people do
it the wrong way become a statistic get
used andews so now people do it the
right way and they get married man and
woman conflicts start to happen you have
some kind of dramas so fights we call
them how can people if they do fight is
there such a thing as fighting
Fair of course there is uh and the uh
the real role model for us is Prophet
Muhammad wasallam and before we even get
there uh it would be very naive to to
say that my marriage is going to be like
a smooth sailing and we're not going to
have fights the best of creation Prophet
Muhammad wasam had issues with his wives
may Allah be pleased with all of them
and they were the best so we have to
keep things in perspective but how to
act on it is is important we Islam does
recognize that you're human being you
get angry uh it's normal if you actually
live with someone for a long time we're
no angels we have no Halos on our head
but we have differences but how to turn
these negatives into positive and how to
celebrate the difference is very
important and the number one rule is you
have to understand the different
language that everybody speaks so you
have to recognize that you're speaking
to a woman and woman is emotional as we
mentioned before and the sister has to
understand that she's speaking to a man
and the man man is physically based so
we have to decipher the hieroglyphics
between the two in order for us to uh to
use the prevention is better than cure
method we have to have this open line of
communication we have to understand the
different languages we have to have a
preventative measures we have to look at
the proactive analysis we have to look
at the root cause analysis all these
things are a lot of things to to say
with a few minutes but if certainly uh
hopefully we can leave you with some of
the keys that you would be able to use
in just in case that you do have any
arguments which is normal in the
marriage life what are some of the dos
and don'ts okay people get in the fight
and now you're you're praising the
creator of the heavens and earth with
your mouth you get in a fight you start
cursing is that for example a don't
right uh the brother he gets out of
control he can't handle the emotions so
now again he freaks out and he'll say
some things out of his mouth he
shouldn't say and mean things and then
it just creates a worse situation than
better so give us some example that
you've seen in the 20 years that you've
been dealing with these issues some of
the basic dos and don'ts absolutely
first first of all uh before you
actually get into uh any uh discussion I
use the word discussion uh make sure uh
that you have a goal before you sit down
what is the purpose what is the goal for
this uh discussion so if your goal is to
prove that you're right and everybody
else is wrong it's not a good start so
we know that a True Believer stops where
they find the truth so you're there to
do what to look for the truth if you're
if you're wrong you have to submit to
that we don't live in denial we have to
submit to this the will of Allah subh
and what prophet Muhammad told us there
is a list of dos and don'ts so the first
thing is to make sure that you don't
accuse you don't go in there offending
anyone automatically the walls get up if
I go ins there it's you that and and
again we know the the story behind the
finger one toward you three toward you
it's like looks like gun so as soon as
you start accusing the opposite uh you
know your spouse you're basically
putting the uh the walls up and that's
not the idea so what we're looking for
we're looking for something that is uh
to correct so it's a behavior correction
not the person because you say I love
you honey but there is something about
this behavior that we need to change so
you are good but the behavior is
unacceptable that is a good start but as
soon as we start saying you are the one
that doing this it's automatic uh
nonstarter so that's absolutely on the
do not live
when you do so we'll do the opposite so
the knowledge of the opposite if I say
don't then the opposite is true so when
you sit down have a a game plan in mind
a road map and make sure that you have a
something called kiss keep it simple
keep it simple keep it simple so we
don't have too many on the agendas if a
couple comes to me in the office and
they said you know I see the red coming
in their eyes and they're you know their
their posture they're physical they want
they want to go to war I said okay sit
down let's let's talk about it and I I
give him a piece of paper and we do
something called The Wheel of Life and
the lp that it's like a life coach you
take him one step at a time but first I
ask him for one thing and one thing only
what is number one on your list so let's
work on priorities so if you sit down
with a couple first of all it says why
are you here you must be here for a
reason okay so uh then they tell me I'm
here for one two three when they start
saying okay I put the stops on I could
please tell me the number one on your
list what would if you change about this
guy you would be happy the number one
thing if this guy does you'll be happy I
asked the the brother the same thing
what if she does uh that would change
you'll be happy so they give me one
thing from there I tell them to stop
let's work on this first and let's put a
game plan I want you to be become the
part of the solution not the problem we
don't fish for faults everybody has
faults but how can we help one another
and the keyword here is the Dos is to
complete one another do not uh compete
with one another this is a major uh
issue with our brothers and sisters
nowadays unfortunately everybody comes
with a scoreboard you know I do this he
does this it's not that it's how we can
help one another it's not because of
this you know I'll do that because
Shayan plays against you 24/7 that's his
job to break you up and we know the
Hadith and when Shan comes in and says
you know what she did that to you what
she means to doesn't respect you respect
and by the way sisters number one on the
man's list is respect if the man is not
respected in a certain place he doesn't
want to be there and number one one on
the sister's list is
love that word that we can't say very
much help us even the best of creation
said it Prophet says I was blessed by
her love so we can work on that inah so
these are the some of the dos and the do
not we continue out we we want people to
go to Credible people like you people
when you do have a conflict you go to
someone who's going to try to push you
to keep working together and give us
techniques advices so so should couples
when they do are there's some dos and
don'ts as soon as you get an argument
let's say the brother he's going to you
know his high school friend to get
advice and then the brother's like man
man why you just why are you wasting
your time man go get another or she goes
to the sister or even it could be the
in-laws you know the parents and even
when they have good intentions they're
not people who maybe be deducing you
know the advice from the Quran and the
Sunnah they end up even with this good
intention giving bad advice do you see
this happening is this a do or don't
absolutely but uh you have to understand
if you have a problem with the car you
go to mechanic mechanic right so please
brothers and sisters you
know fear Allah in dealing with your
spouses because Allah
say they've taken from you mean your
wife's taken a strange and oath from you
abdah may Allah be pleased with them and
all the sah the companions he says this
is the stringent oath that Allah subhana
has taken from what with the verse it
says uh hold them treat them with
righteousness deal with them in
righteousness because you have to
understand that when you say when you
put the hand of the guardian's hand you
says I accept marrying that sister
according to the Quran and Sunnah that's
a stringent oath it's not a lip service
it's not words you say and you see of
her what her father didn't see of her so
this is this that's the stringent part
so we have to fear Allah subh and make
sure that we treat them with kindness
the Prophet Muhammad s Al wasallam
says with the vessels these are glass
vessels again going back to
understanding the differences that women
are emotional so you have to deal with
that and make sure that Allah subhah wa
ta'ala first and foremost is the one
that uh overwatches you and deal with
them accordingly insh we're going to
take a break and God willing we'll be
back with more here in the dean show sit
tight whatever Allah commands you to do
you need to do it Islam has tolerance
and mercy and compassion
to know that Allah you know will forgive
you as long as you do what you need to
do as long as you turn back to him Islam
is a system of mercy and compassion and
it is for the best benefit of all of the
people that's around it Muslim and
[Music]
nonm this is the D this is the
D this is the D
this is the dean show this is the dean
show back here on the dean show and
we're talking about fighting fair if you
have a fight do it the right way the way
that's going to inshallah God willing
keep the family together instead of
breaking it apart please continue on
with some of advice you were giving us
sh sure when Prophet Muhammad sallallahu
alaihi wasallam when he was
talking even knew he recognized the fact
that even when Allah
says they raised them to doing the
decoration decoration lement to beautify
themselves but when when when argument
and Coring they're emotional their
defensive mechanism is you know they
they start crying and so on we're not
generalizing of course it's not to
offend W anyone but the facts are there
man is a little more on the harsh side
so when we do this we know the prophet
Muhammad wasallam tooka off the hook
when she the the story is is long but
just to come to the chase where the
topic we're talking about here when she
was uh walking after him to go to was
her night and he came back found out it
was her you know she was doubting in
certain things she was jealous and
thinking that he was go to another and
so on he says that uh do you not trust
me and so on for the just the
paraphrasing of
course said now oh she knows that she's
on the hook so what happened she said
right away to changed her mind she
wanted to change the topic and says what
do I say oh messenger of Allah when I go
to the uh the the the grave or the
cemetery he says yeah you say 1 2 three
he didn't say uhhuh you're trying to
change your mind no don't do that and
and so on so he knew that he was he
wanted to give her a break and make sure
that we uh we do the same thing and the
most important part if you want to
discuss anything please listen to when
when she had uh her son die uh when her
husband
was on on a journey when he came back
even then she didn't tell him right away
so I'm telling the sisters please choose
the right time to discuss issues if
their husband is coming from from work
tired he doesn't have the mental
capacity he's not prepared the
environment is not right so please
choose the time and the place for it and
of course the story is known but just to
remind ourselves that she came up to him
what' she do she didn't tell him right
away it's not like uh how you doing
honey uham alikum oh yes welcome home
your son died yeah yeah yeah so what did
she say she beautified
herself she lured the she dimmed the
lights she prepared the food she had an
intimate relation with him in the
morning in the morning she told him give
him an example a parable that if
somebody entrusted us with something
that left with us and come and ask for
it our neighbor Would we not give it
back said of
course lesson learned here that she knew
now what we talked about before the same
points that we're going back to a man is
as a physical being so what did she do
she looked after his physical needs she
beautified herself took the pain of
hunger away the whims and desires they
had the intimate relations lure the the
the uh the light so the environment
psychologically he's at ease in the
morning after everything and the pain of
unrest is taken care of she paved the
way nicely he was now ready to to listen
and understand and of course the rest of
it was history when he told Prophet
Muhammad sallam and so on and Allah
granted him but a righteous child if
anything people can do now we're almost
out of time so a lot of these key points
we just brushing upon it just a tad bit
there's so much more this topic is so
important because marriage I mean you
got good homes you're going to have good
societies broken homes broken societies
so uh you mentioned something going into
a mechanic if you have a car problem so
if people are at the edge now you know
what other and last closing comment and
advice for those people who are trying
they're having some difficulties
shayan's there in the mix he's trying to
break the home so he can have broken
societies right should they run towards
their Imam should they run towards the
scholars people who are going to try to
really give them these tips and advice
so they don't go towards you know uh
someone else who's giving them wrong
advice right well first of all we have
our our goals as first of all we
admonished like Allah subhana T has
mentioned you know give him wisdom talk
to them nicely remind them of Allah
remind the Quran and Sunnah turn your
back and the other option of course is
not it's an option there that you don't
have to take or a a garden from her
family a garden from your family come
and arbitrator see these are issues that
we go through stages inshallah but first
all make sure that you look at the bag
of your wife and the bag of your husband
look at the good things that they have
don't look at the bad things nobody's
perfect then look at the good things you
will always outweigh the bad things
don't tell her I want to divorce her
because I don't like the way she Combs
her rabbit hair or I don't like the way
she squeeze the toothpaste these are the
things that are M irrational like
slapped the man when he came up to him
he says I want to divorce my wife he
said why says I don't fear for your love
her anymore what did he do he slapped
him do you think that the homes are
built just upon love there's much more
than that we have a message we have a
children we have a goal we have our boat
that we have to get to safety and the
boat in this life is a trials you will
have high winds and high waves rest ass
sure but work together to get this boat
to safety and safety is jna inshallah
that's it that's it beautiful advice
thank you so much sh pleas may God
Almighty the Creator Allah you you too
thank you and thank you for tuning in to
another episode of the dean show some
wonderful advice some wonderful advice
we want to keep the homes keep the
families together and not break them
apart that's the easy thing to do but
you got to work hard it's easy to bre
break bring something up from the bottom
whatever it is you got to work hard
towards making that building it's easy
to tear it down don't tear apart your
families go towards qualified people
counselors go towards turning back to
the Quran and Sunnah to the creator of
the heavens and earth Earth and live by
these guidelines if you're going to
fight fight by the guidelines that have
been sent down from the crater of the
heavens and earth and with that said
we'll see you next time here on the dean
show until then peace be unto you