this is the dean show this is thean
peace be with you welcome to the dean
show I'm excited you're with me I'm with
you and you know what we got so much
great things to talk about I got a
special guest on The Dean show this is
the
dean back here on the dean show with my
special guest Dr Akram yes did I say
that right well yes drram Basher Basher
now you said Basher everybody knows uh
my good friend he's here actually your
husband is here with us Dr Basher and
that's how um he actually recommended I
have you on the show because so many
people got to benefit from I mean you
guys uh from from the program I've done
with him you guys have authored so many
different books on not only parenting
but also on marriage is that right yes
yes we've been working together on that
for quite a number of years now I uh I
don't remember when we started but
alhamdulillah we felt that uh you know
we we our life is going good and we are
able to communicate and uh make a happy
family for ourselves and our
children and alhamdulillah we started
like giving lectures and that and then
writing books was a next step to uh try
to spread the knowledge because
everybody deserve to live happily
and we know from Allah subhana T in the
Quran Allah tells us
that meaning whoever does good deeds and
he is a Believer Allah will make him
live a good life so sometimes people
lose a track of why their life is not
really working together why a couple are
not happy with each other and it could
be the little things about understanding
each other about uh being able to
forgive and forget and sometime strike
the balance because sometime many times
the person uh is closer to herself or
himself than to their spouse they know
what bother them they know what makes
them happy and uh if they not
communicating well and they telling the
other person their spouse what they
expect from them
then it doesn't work and they don't
really um like you know someone might
think well he should know what pleases
me or she should know what pleases me
but that that's not how it works we
better learn to talk more and tell each
other about it in a calm way not to
bottle everything up and wait until we
can take anymore and then explode yeah
so this is how it started with us is is
it is it is it fair to say it's an art
when I opened up the show I mean the art
of dealing with a woman would you say
it's somewhat of an art I I agree I
think it's very much a good description
for it okay because there there are some
um we know that that the women are um
emotional creatures right sometimes and
especially as at at certain stages of of
a woman's life some some things happen
and they might handle things differently
so we want to get some advice if the
husband now he's not able to handle
these situations sometimes you know this
the the man he just can't you know
handle all these emotions and he just
loses it so uh what advice do you give
okay the advice here is uh to to
acknowledge that as you said the woman
is different Allah made us into gender
for a reason uh Allah subhana tala
decided that you know it would be best
for the woman to be emotional because
being emotional doesn't mean sometimes
by the way when people say the woman is
emotional they mean that it's she is too
emotional she is too irrational but
that's not it being emotional is
something that is needed for a woman and
and even for you know for it's for the
benefit of her husband for the benefit
of her children this is how she's made
she she is more emotional than the man
for sure and for for the husband to know
that she is emotional what does this
mean it means that you know uh
acknowledge these emotion and it's not
hard just if you tell if a husband tells
his wife that you know he's late say and
instead of ignoring that he doesn't
spend time with her instead of just
thinking okay what's the matter with you
just to say to tell her something like
you know it was I would like to be here
with you but really I needed to do this
or that or this but then decide about a
time when he can be with her uh
acknowledge her needs uh talk about talk
more because most men as I see it they
don't talk enough with their wives uh
and in the same time the wife or the
woman need to tell him what pleases her
what she's expecting from her from him
so it's not like you know everyone
assuming that he should know and and he
assume that what is upsetting there it's
rather that she need to help him
understand ha and he need to listen and
she needs to listen they both need to
listen to each other so they can
understand better about each other
because although there is a common area
between them how they are similar in in
something they are different in other
other things and if that was not for a
wisdom they would have been Allah
subhana tala would have created all of
us the same so uh being emotional here
meaning that uh this to be acknowledged
she's still rational she still have a
mind to think and she still acknowledge
intellectually things and so on but she
is for sure uh she needs for her emotion
to be acknowledged much more we're going
to go ahead and before we get into the
to the next question we going to take a
break come back and we'll talk some more
here with Dr eam and you don't want to
go anywhere we got some some great stuff
to talk about we'll be right back please
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[Music]
below back here on the dean show now let
me know uh for our audience
in in these times when you know and
specifically now the things I want to I
want to focus on are some of the the
challenging times that a woman might go
through for instance postpartum
depression uh special time of the month
and what are some other unique times and
challenges that a woman uh goes through
so H how can a man deal because it can
be overwhelming at times cu the man's
also then we got a knowledge he's not
made he's made in a certain way you know
he's he's made to be like you know if
the the lion comes there in the jungle
he's a man he's not he's not and a woman
wants a man but also at the same time
not some uh person who's a tyrant so
striking the balance for him to be
understand her but at the same time her
being understand how Allah made him yes
exactly well uh as you said the woman
needs someone who is a strong someone
who is emotionally by strong I mean also
emotionally uh can stand up and and she
she can trust that you know uh he can
look after the family and protect them
and so on uh the woman would like for
someone to for her husband to to have a
leadership and not to really uh let
things happen as it happens but have a
leadership in the in the right thing
like leadership doesn't mean here that
he bosses people around he bosses her
around but in the same time when things
need to be uh decided he can take that
decision for example
uh sometimes you you mention something
about special time and special needs and
so on we know that many troubles and
many problems come from uh the how the
relationship happen between the
different families like what we call
inlaws uh if say for example uh a woman
or a wife has have some uh
misunderstanding or they don't really
communicate well herself and her
sister-in-law uh the leadership here
will be that the husband has to take a
position where he is fair and he can
communicate to both of them how
important each of his sister or his wife
to him and make some uh you know some
sort of uh discussion or give some
direction for how they do that but
sometimes some men just let things
happen and they don't interfere at all
and they don't give any interfere here
doesn't mean that you know he's going to
uh but he can mediate he can talk to his
wife good things about how he value her
and in the same time how it will make
him so happy that she makes it up with
his sister but then give her some
direction about you know what she has to
do and what she doesn't have to do
because she's doing that to please him
and do the same thing with his sister so
by this mediation he is showing
leadership and that's some kind of
strength that's important in our time
now uh as you said the man is not made
to to always have that emotions and be
very emotional but when he feels his
wife is uh
she wants to talk about something that's
bothering her something that's bottled
up in her or she may not ask him that or
tell him that she wants to talk but she
is not herself she is uh quiet she is
distant she is that uh it will help so
much that he says are you upset about
something what's are you tired are you
bothered are you so she notice or she
feels that he notice her mood
uh also the woman's life go through
Cycles uh when once she start to be a a
grownup or like an adult she goes
through cycles and these Cycles happen
because she is under the effect of
hormones that is going in cycle and this
of course is what needs to be done for
her as a woman so she can bear children
and give birth and so on and the man has
to notice that that because she goes on
Cycles then sometimes uh these hormones
are making her over sensitive she could
uh she could get easily upset or or
tired or and uh and knowing that will
help will help their relationship that
you know he in these days he need to be
more patient with her and he need to
realize that she maybe she gets tired so
easily I remember sometimes uh in in you
know conflicts between a couple and uh
it was it was resolved by the man
noticing that yes this cycle thing has
an effect on her rather than think she
is lazy and she sleeps too much for
example so this is how you know
understanding the nature of each other
will help the relationship rather than
just be judgmental and think someone is
lazy or someone doesn't have
you know enough heart to notice how she
is and and this kind of thoughts what um
before we go to break uh what are your
comments on I had a a person who um is
also an expert in this area uh her name
is a Doyle she wrote the book called The
surrendering wife are you familiar with
this book I yeah I haven't read it but I
heard about it yes and she talks about
the concept between love and
respect and really the the the
drive for men more is the respect that
they desire more and the women desire
more of the love but obviously men want
to be loved too but what's you know the
the water for the man because we both
need food and water but one we need more
than the other otherwise you're going to
die if you if if you don't have water
you know um you can go longer without
food so that for the man is respect
for the woman it's the love what are
your comments on that yeah I believe I
believe uh I don't know if if we take
respect as uh what's the implication of
respect if we take respect as uh uh sort
of uh you know do as I do as I ask of
you or do as uh you know as you know
this is what I like and so on uh yeah he
might care more about respect uh while
uh if we acknowledge that the woman
needs to be nurtured with love more then
she also needs to be respected because
nobody likes anybody nobody likes to be
Mis disrespected or treated mistreated
so I would say the woman also likes to
be respected but it's not it's not the
huge thing as long as she is respected
generally and we all know when respect
is at at least at the level where uh it
shouldn't go below uh then yes she needs
more love when going to take a break and
we'll be right back with Dr eam here on
the dean show don't go anywhere please
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[Music]
below back here on the dean show uh tell
us can you um
tell us now that uh a lot of times in
relationship there's certain things you
know that the man will do and then
sometimes certain things the woman will
do and does it really help when both
parties understand believe there was a
book called Men Are from Mars women from
Venus when we understand that Allah the
Creator the almighty has made us
different we acknowledge these
differences and but and then H how can
we get to to to the point where once we
acknowledge these differences that we
can kind of uh um deal with each other
in a better manner yeah well once we
acknowledge that we are made different
we're not going to be shocked you know
how did he do that to me or how could
she does this to me we not we we are
learning about each other and we
acknowledge also that these differences
are for our own benefits and for the
benefits of the family uh and we are
open to learn about each other and we
must need like what I found that
sometimes uh when when between a couple
uh when things when they start you know
uh in the beginning of course everybody
is open and welcoming the other person
and so on in the beginning of marriage
then when few things happen happens over
and over the then many times they start
to be distant from each other because
one of them was trying to perhaps talk
about it and the other one uh took it
lightly or did not pay U much attention
to it so the the person who was who was
feeling that they not getting you know
what they expected from the marriage uh
try to close up so they don't get hurt
more and and they they start to be in a
relationship yes they are married yes
they have their children but they not
really feeling for each other they not
communicating they not enjoying their
life at all but they just passing time
and this is a very serious situation
that nobody should allow it to happen to
them how could they do that they better
refresh from time to time they better
get out find somebody to the kids if
their kids are young and try to uh go
out for go for a couple of days if they
can afford that if if they don't have
anybody to leave their kids with uh at
least go for a day go for half a day and
and go back to when they were just
engaged or early married and so on and
try to feel for each other try to talk
try to tell it's it's as as simple as it
is but what happened is that it becomes
like a mountain that they have to climb
because now they became
distant and I would say listening to
each other is the most important thing
they can do and also keep connect keep
stay connected to the Creator Allah
subhana wa taala because when you are
connected to Allah subhana wa ta'ala you
you receive everything with an open
heart but when you are not connected you
feel very harsh inside yourself and then
you are already tense and the tension of
course is so high now in in in
everybody's life and we have to have a
way a healthy way to distress and to let
that tension go so they are able to be
patient with each other they are able to
give and not not ask for you got to give
me back right away but you know just
wait a little bit and it's coming M and
in addition to that I say people need to
uh if they feel they are in a situation
where they are not you know they not
getting anywhere uh one of them is
always pushing their way his way or her
way then they need to let the other
person know and they need to tell them
that please we have to strike the
balance in the relationship and if they
can't reach that between the two of them
alone there is the rule in the Quran
that say is that he should invite
someone from his side and she should
invite somebody from her side and they
they tell them the issue and then they
try to mediate between them what I'm
saying here is that they do they should
not accept to live together under the
same
roof as two strangers they should try to
work their issues out and uh the there
is different ways they should handle it
by by thems if they can't then they
should reach out for somebody to help
mediate between them if there is
something that we we only have a couple
minutes left if if there is just
something in in one word in in a
sentence some something key a couple key
uh component something uh that you think
uh advice that you've given that really
um helped you that you you've gotten or
that you've given that's really helped
you know sometimes we can hear just one
sentence and and Ayah something that is
so powerful that you can go back to
whenever you're in a dilemma is there
one something like that you can share
with us before we come T an in okay uh
well I'm going to say something that's
simple but it's not it's different from
a Hadith and aah because of course
mallah in the verses and in the Hadith
and so on there is so much guidance but
I want to tell all husbands that it's
easy to please your wife just
acknowledge her feeling just tell her
that uh she's dear to you tell her that
you know
uh if it was you know what she's upset
that you don't spend time with her or
she's upset that uh you know you she
hasn't seen you for so long or you are
not sharing some just to get when you
are
around just to get up and do what she's
doing as we know the prophet
which means that he was always doing
what his family is doing what his wife
is doing when you do that you give her a
lot of support and it's not about how
much you're going to really finish in
the little time that you know you may
share with her this uh helping around
the house but it's about acknowledging
that taking care of the family at that
level at the level of uh housekeeping
and looking after the children and so on
is something valuable it's not it's not
like uh putting it down putting this
kind of work that's absolutely important
and needed down uh tell us where can
people get some of your you and your
husband's uh books if they're interested
the books are printed by am Mana
publication here in the United States
and uh I think it's a m a n a so a an
and uh you can uh look it up or uh
that's basically on Amazon or look a
Mana publication itself and everything
is there from everything is there thank
you so much thank you for being most
welcome and thank you for tuning in to
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until then peace be with you am please
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