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thean alhamdulillah greetings of peace
to everybody tuning in the dean show
every week we're here with some exciting
topics and marriage that's you want you
guys to talk about marriage we'll talk
about marriage High rate of divorce it's
increasing homes are getting broken we
want to keep them together so we got to
get some good advice because you know
what when the homes are broke I've said
this so many times before then the
society becomes broke who's playing what
role roles are all mixed up and the home
is all messed up and we're going to try
to give some practical tips and advice
to keep it all together here on the dean
show don't go
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anywhere
the this is the the this is
the this is the
this is
the is the
the peace be with
you how are you brother alhamdulillah
how are you sh ald great to have you
back on the
show and nice to be back now you a you
have written many books on the topic you
tour the world doing these uh marriage
workshops yes and how how is the um the
feedback that you're getting oh mallah
we we really
are getting very good feedback and
sometimes tears roll down of my eyes
because of this uh uh reward to have
this kind of feedback as a matter of
fact we're going to Morocco end of next
month inshah to have two workshops on
marriage over there are you able to save
some homes yeah inah yeah it must be
very rewarding and this is we're going
to be talking about you know we know
that the marriage is half of the dean it
is very important very stressed want to
talk about some specifics here uh you
know in in marriage when two people come
together you know they come together uh
obviously U For the Love of their
creator and they want to build a home
that's based on the Quran and Sunnah so
pretty much you you think that okay we
got the blueprint if we stick to it
everything should be okay why do things
sometimes not go in the right direction
uh I think there are many reasons for
this uh first uh many people are taking
marriage lightly they're not taking it
ser iously particularly young
people uh in Quran verse number 21 inah
Allah subhana T describes marriage as
solemn
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Covenant so it's something that has to
be taken very seriously also in Quran
verse number uh 21 inah Allah subhana
tala described marriage as one of his
signs
that verse came among many verses that
talk about the amazing signs of Allah
subh the creation of human being the
creation of heavens and earth the uh
rain coming
down we as people have different uh uh
colors we night and day so many of of
the amazing signs of Allah T and In The
Middle come marriage which means that
marriage is very serious business it
should not never be taken lightly that's
quite unfortunate that many of our young
people uh do not prepare for marriage
and they approach it very lightly and
say yeah we are not allowed to date in
Islam so this is a Halal dating if it
works well and good if it doesn't work
yeah we can separate we can divorce and
that's why the rate of wor is very very
high but if if there is a
commitment from both spouses to work
hard to make successful marriage it will
be very successful and how can we we get
this commitment how can we help each
other to be committed to have this this
serious effort to make them that that
Union success I think understanding that
it is a serious matter
to the extent that Allah described as
Solomon Covenant and is one of his signs
I think also knowing that one of the
main objectives of marriage is to bring
us closer to Allah subhah wa ta'ala
because Prophet wasallam gave us
many to that
effect whoever was blessed his ual
spouse Allah have helped him or here on
half of their Dean so let them fear
Allah subhana T and the other I think
also if we can always remind ourself
that divorce is the most
hated permitted actions to Allah subhana
tala Allah permitted us to have divorce
but he hates divorce so do I want to do
something that Allah subhana T hates he
doesn't like so if we remind oursel with
all these things uh that will help us to
commit and work hard
inshallah to have a successful marriage
I would like to go back to the point of
of that one of the main objectives of
marriage is to please Allah subhana T is
to help each other to be stronger in
faith to be closer to Allah subhana tala
and I'd like to give the audience an
example from the life of
the how they help with each other to be
closer to Allah
subh there is a sahabi his name is
AB and when verse number 245 from was
revealed and the verse go like
this whoever loans Allah subhana a
goodly loan Allah subhana tala will
multiply it for him many
folds
so did not understand the concept and he
went to the prophet wasallam to ask
him prophet of Allah Allah subhana wa
tala is free of all
wants and he is asking us to give him
alone it didn't make sense in his
mind so the prophet sallallah wasallam
told him you read and you
Allah subhana want to give you an
opportunity so you can when you do it
you'll be admitted to Paradise so the
concept was very nice to AB he he he
really liked it you know and Allah subh
is very generous with us he gives us
many opportunities to do things and when
we do it we get rewarded by Paradise you
know so right we want to apply so he
told the prophet that he has two gardens
one in the upper part of Medina one in
the lower part of Medina and he wants to
give these two
gardens as a goodly to Allah subhana and
the prophet advised him to give one and
keep one for
himself and he accepted the prophet's
advice and he gave one and and kept the
other for
himself the prophet congratulated him
but now look how AB is relaying the news
to
his wife he was he he he was chanting he
he told there in poetry because of the
time I don't have to to to say the
Arabic poetry but what it means that
Allah subhana T guided me the best
guidance and I willingly give this
Garden for the sake of Allah subhana wa
tala so let's get out of here is not
ours anymore now the reaction
of she was very pleased that he did this
and she kept thanking him
and you said she said you did the right
thing and this Subhan Allah
subh to guarantee A Place For Us
in she stuck by her man yeah she yeah
she's and and she praised him for doing
this she she she said this is the best
thing you ever done for us and look AB
give over half of his assets for the
sake of Allah subhana tala
now think about sometime you are
having a pro Islamic project and brother
I'm going to give my next paycheck for
this project and the sisters how come
you do this you have to consult with me
you have to do this you have don't you
know I have to buy this new fin don't
you know that we we have to to put the
kid in don't you know this you don't you
know
that you should support each other you
know so if you husband is volunteering
in the mid or in the Islamic Center or
in a good
project support him if if if your wife
want to go and
attend the and the m so she can learn
her then take care of the kids so she
can do this you see how to support each
to make us closer to Allah that's what
we should be doing work together we're
going to take a break and come back with
more don't go anywhere here on the dean
show right back subscribe right now
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back here on the dean show Shake there
are some great examples you see many
people who are experts in this field
such as yourself and some of the not yet
Muslims who are out there who have
counseled so many married couples over
you know so many decades years and few
of them have written some books and the
secrets that they come out that are not
Secrets but you know uh great tips that
people can benefit from when you read
some of their books you see that wow
this is what our Dean is telling us for
instance a doctor I believe his name is
Emerson if I'm not saying it wrong he
has a book it's a bestseller I believe
he's a Christian and he wrote it I don't
know if it was with his wife but it's
called love and respect yes so uh the
book kind of uh talks about when the
woman gives when the man gives the woman
what uh what she want the woman gives
the man what he needs then the man gives
the woman what she needs they have a
blissful marriage but when they're not
fulfilling each other in these things
that are very very important where
obviously both need love and respect but
the man needing this respect more than
the love and the woman needing the love
more than respect things just become
more Blissful what are your comments on
this yeah first couple of comments first
uh there are many good books written by
non-muslims that have some very good
advices and I could easily put a verse
from Quran orith from the theam to this
good advice you know so Al these advices
are there in our in our de we have it
there the prophet gave it to us before
the second is yes uh uh we have to take
into
consideration uh the emotional needs and
the physical needs of both spouses so
both of them have really to learn about
each other and what pleases them what
put them in the mood so women in general
have more need to fulfill their
emotional
uh being compared to men men emotionally
they have emotional needs of course but
not as strong as woman the physical need
for men is much much higher than the for
for the woman so to to have a good
Blissful relationship when it comes to
this intimate relation is very important
that the men try to fulfill the
emotional need of the woman she will be
willing to engage more in the physical
needs he has and as a matter of fact
this is said by by
Quran when it talks about this relation
it it tells us particularly
men prepare for yourself when you want
to get engaged in this intimate relation
prepare for yourself put your wife in
the mood that she will make her happy
when she's engaged in this action and
Allah subhana T put it in general he
didn't give details how to prepare
for yourself because he wants us to know
our our partners uh and to know what
what will put them in the mood uh one
wife may may be very happy if you get
here a gift the other wife may be very
happy if you help here with the kids
otherwise will be in the mood if you
just sit together and have a chat before
you engage in this intimate act uh a
third one if you go for a walk It
prepares here for this so every husband
should try to know what are the
emotional needs of his spouse and try to
fulfill it and prepare because this part
of our Dean is there is not and the
prophet give us many many advices when
it come to this so that's that's very
important and it helps Ming the
relationship and keep it very strong and
keep it very enjoyable I I like to uh
sometimes when you cite some of these
non-islamic sources but they actually
when you look at it you as you said you
can find um ayats from the Quran that
are substantiating this the examples
from the last and fundament Prophet
Muhammad sometimes people you get their
attention right but we have everything
there in the Quran andah there's another
example when a woman she again she's not
a Muslim but when she did obviously in
Islam we hold women to a high regard
we're to treat them in the most kindest
loving way this is clear uh some people
go to an extreme this is the the human
deficiency and them but we know where
Islam places women in the highest level
exactly so now you have this woman
saying that she non-muslim woman uh she
wrote a book called The surrendering
wife so she talked about all of these
problems she was having but when she
surrendered control to her husband now
obviously they you know conjunction a
lot of things but when she now because
there's got to be one leader in the
house and this is what this identifies
with Islam yes now she started to really
appreciate marriage have you heard of
this book surrendering wife it's by
woman now man WR yes yes I heard about
this book and we we talk about this
elements that it's quite unfortunate
that as you mentioned it is it is very
clear uh where uh Islam stands but some
uh
men uh took it to one extreme uh in
terms of being the leader of the family
and
the confused the the meaning of of the
word being the leader of the family with
certain cultural practices they have
which turned it away many women and they
took it to the other extreme and they
become following the feminist movement
to the EXT that they don't they don't
even uh accept Allah's rule that man has
to be the leader of the family so these
two extremes are not acceptable Islam is
very clear the word does not mean that
you have to be controlling and bossing
your wife and uh tell asking her to go
right and LIF and means that you are
standing taking good care helping
supporting protecting your family this
is a responsibility given to us by Allah
subhana tala uh it is not that you are a
dictator in the house and also one of
the conditions of being K is that you
have to
seek uh the the input from the family
members before you make any decision
related to the family and you make the
decisions uh based on what's best for
the family not based on your own desire
as as a as a person uh so
uh that that from the men side they
really have to practice Kama properly
and I think this was one of the main
purpose that I wrote my book family
family leadership an obligation to
fulfill not an excuse to abuse because
there is lots of misunderstanding about
this concept of family leadership in
Islam and I uh uh put many practical uh
situation and case studies where Ka is
used appropriately and where is is used
inappropriately there is 10 or 15
examples in in in both sides of course
first I I had the support of of Quran
and Sunnah to the to explain what means
so my advice for our brothers
particularly please do not take Ka as
you're a dictator or a boss take that
this is a responsibility Allah gave to
you to protect to help to take good care
and make sure that you get the feedback
and the input of all family members
whenever you make a decision related to
the family and my advice to the sisters
accept this this is the role that Allah
subhana T asked the husband to play and
support him and give him the good
feedback and when both of you are
working in this together you are in the
same team same team yeah same team and
and this is a way for you both to get
close up to Allah same team on the same
team not opposing teams we'll be right
back with more here on the de so
subscribe right
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now back here on the dean show we're
talking about one of the most uh we were
talking while on break uh this gift you
know that's comes from the Creator and
at the same time you know having this
trust and faithfulness in marriage but
before we go on the that tell me about
this gift that that Allah has given us
in this marriage Subhan Allah as I
mentioned in verse number 21
inah Allah subhana T talks about
marriage as one of his signs and one of
the important objective of marriage is
is to achieve Repose and peace and
Tranquility in the
relationship and he
says he put between you this which is
means love and compassion and and mercy
between you as if and and and the way it
is stated in Arabic it it it is Subhan
Allah it
is this is for sure happening as as if
Allah subhana tala is giving us
uh a gift in in our wedding night uh
here is my gift to you and between you
like the sisters you get together and
make a bridal shower and give gifts to
the bride so Allah also is giving the
couple a gift at the day of this this
gift is ma and and uh I I don't like the
translation of M as as love it is not
just love uh it is it is love love is an
emotion it is an internal emotion but it
is it is expressed in good doing good
things and helping each other being
bitter to each other in kindness and and
that's why one of the names of Allah
subhana tala is
Al but there is no name as because he
always expresses his love to us giving
us our children giving us our risk our
provision and so many things that he
gave to us because he's Al he always
expresses his love so this Ma and is is
is there for us Allah give it to us as a
gift at the night of our wedding what
happened uh you mentioned that the rate
of the ver is very high why is this
happening although Allah says that I
gave you this guys what's going because
we don't nurture this gift enough when
you receive a gift from somebody that
you love and respect what you do with
this gift you take very good care of it
Allah gave you this gift at your wedding
night
but you neglect it and that's why you
have problems so it's very important to
try to nurture this gift of Allah this
and because if if we nurture it enough
there will be no conflict there will be
no problems we will avoid many of these
problems because Allah tells us inah in
verse Number
96 so those who believe in Allah subhana
tala those who act righteously Allah
will keep this m between them uh and and
as a matter of fact in our book Blissful
marriage we we have many many attributes
and qualities that will help couples if
they acquire these attributes and deal
with
that it will help a couple to to nurture
this gift of Allah and build their
family life on on Harmony and you
mentioned also trust and faithfulness
this is a very important quality in in
marriage and it is one of the key
factors for the a successful manage and
but as you know trust has to be earned
it's not enough I tell my wife just
trust me trust has to be earned and how
can we create this atmosphere of trust
and faithfulness within the family
between the couples there is two
beautiful advices from the prophet Sall
Ali wasallam first we have to follow the
eates of interaction with the opposite
sex with the opposite sex as the prophet
told us if I interacting with a member
from the other gender that's not my wife
there are certain etiquet that I have to
observe I I I should lower my gaze it
should be no FL flirting no no it it it
it it only you are doing something
because for certain business that you
have to finish but it is not that you
relax and you joke and be no and this is
the first advice from the prophet the
second advice is to be
transparent fully transparent in this
relationship and there is an incident in
the life of the Prophet wasam that that
he emphasizes this
transparency he was making once in the
MOs and his wife
sa she came to visit him in the mosque
and start chatting with him and after
they chatted he W he was walking here
back to her room you know the rooms of
his wife were attached to the musim so
he's walking here back to to her room
two of the sahab of the an were coming
to enter the mosque and you know at
night it's dark so they saw the prophet
wasam walking with a lady they don't
know who is this lady so they rushed as
if to enter the MOs as if they are not
trying to embarrass the prophet Sall Ali
wasallam so the prophet told him don't
rush wait she is my wife she is
sa so he made sure that they know see
the transparency he made sure that they
know that he's not he's not working with
a strange lady the sahaba told him
prophet of Allah who will never suspect
that you will be walking with a strange
lady he said I
know but Shan always tried to instill
ill thoughts in the mind of the human
and I want you to avoid
this I want you to avoid this so it's a
great lesson for all of us that we
should always be transparent in our
relationship so I make sure my wife
knows exactly where I
am and how can she get hold of me I
think if I change my
plans I let her know either a call or an
email that the plan changed so she knows
exactly where I am at any point in time
I know exactly where she is we very
transparent she knows exactly all my
financial dealing when you create create
when you you you treat each other with
this transparency it it it creates this
atmosphere of faithfulness and trust
between the couple and this is a huge
and very important factor that keeps the
relationship very strong and those who
follow the advice of the Prophet s
wasallam aldah their manages are very
successful still continuing for 30 4 50
years you know beauti beautiful advice
Shake If people want to get a hold of
you and inshallah we can put together a
seminar a workshop on marriage in
Chicago maybe how can they reach you to
do one here in Chicago again you can
email me through uh the info link on uh
family Don
www.family.com and we'll take it from
there we can send you the availability
this and we send you all the do
mentation and we can do take it from
there in it is very very good Workshop
people are really give some some very
good feedback and testimonial they say
it really changed their life you know
beautiful May the creator of heavens and
earth reward you thank you thank you so
much you're very welcome brother and
thank you for tuning in to the dean show
we all have problems we all have
struggles but it's beautiful when you
get to you have an open mind open heart
and then you get to get some of these
tips you let it in and you consider like
hold on am I doing things right let me
try to incorporate this and this tip
into my life and make some adjustments
some people say look you can't teach old
dog new tricks but you're going against
Islam because Islam is always about
empowering and changing for the better
so you want to be a better husband you
want to be a better wife look to the
verba and word of God the Quran and the
Sunnah the way of the last and final M
of prophet Muhammad peace be upon him
and sit with people of knowledge
increase in knowledge so you can
increase in power now you can be well
guided instead of getting all those tips
and tricks from maybe the Daytime
Nighttime soap operas dramas which
you're going to end up end up destroying
your your your your marriage and
inshallah you got the benefit subscribe
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