alhamdulillah peace be unto you you are
watching the dean show every Wednesday
midnights Thursdays 2 p.m. here in
Chicago on canv
36 if you don't have and if you're not
here with us in Chicago people from all
around the globe are tuning in to the
Deans show.com we're trying to hear
we're trying humbly to help you
understand the most misunderstood way of
life yet the fastest growing way way of
life in the world today Islam that way
of life that was brought by all the
messengers of God they all call people
to the same way to surrender and to
submit not to the Sun to the Moon not to
Jesus not to Muhammad but the one who
Jesus Muhammad and all the messengers of
God submitted to the one who created the
Sun the moon he created man and woman
but he's not a man or woman the the
heavens and the Earth in Arabic we say
Allah so we're here trying to help you
understand this beautiful way of life
and one of the most beautiful things in
Islam is finding your soulmate but there
are some things that we need to know
about how to get married how to approach
that special someone to certain dos and
don'ts and my next guest who's coming
out Yas Yas is going to help answer some
of these questions so you don't want to
go nowhere we'll be right back
Allah there's only one God and muhamad
is his messenger
[Music]
Allah there's only one God and Jesus was
his messenger
Allah I don't know why I did that maybe
maybe it's just to break the ice alayum
how are you alhamdulillah good to see
you one more time good to see you again
thank you for being with us thank you
very much for having me here how's
everything on the road you traveling a
lot nowadays I do actually I do travel a
lot but alhamdulillah things are going
very well ald how are uh how's shik W
basoni yaser cardi how are they doing
alhamdulillah get to see them often
alhamdulillah we don't really get to see
each other very often but we communicate
alhamdulillah a lot I really enjoyed
working with them and I enjoy working
with you and I'm glad that you can you
can be with us we have some uh questions
people can go to your own section at
theen show.com they can read a little
bit about you your biography and some of
the work that you're currently involved
in you're an instructor with el- MB
Institute is this correct that's true
and you have a site that helps people
you train people and help get them ready
for marriage at praam mate yes yeah so
they can find all the information there
at the Deens show.com you click on Yas B
picture there and everything will come
up now we were talking about the last
time about the proper way to approach
that manner woman now people can go back
and look at that show we're going to
continue on talking about some of these
relevant questions that people have so
we're going to just get right into some
of the questions that I have are you
ready sure let's go all right let's go
for it now the next question that we
have
is how do you progress getting to know a
when you're not sure if you want to
propose to her you want to talk or
interact with her to get a sense of who
she is before you make any type of
proposal that you might regret mhm well
the issue of uh um again going to
propose and how much you should know
about a person and so on it's very
confusing even in this even in the most
I would say talented community and the
most intelligent Community yeah um many
people they think that you should know
everything about the person before you
get married yeah what I found
statistically speaking you know
surveying so many young men and women on
campuses and different communities and
so on is that those who are pursuing to
know the person and they try their best
to know almost everything about them
yeah at the end of the road they'll
become less interested on them mhm the
more they know about them and that's
ironic the more they know about them the
less they become interested in them
which Subhan Allah it seems that uh that
the subject of of knowing the person or
at least for marriage it's what makes it
so beautiful it's being a mystery MH
mean you like it's a kind of mystery and
that's why people sometimes in this
culture they date for months years and
then eventually uh uh they uh they stop
everything and they just they break uph
and it's basically confusing because for
some people uh when you you know simply
just starty try to think to know that to
know the person before you officially
engage to them and suddenly right now
it's completely the opposite it defeats
the purpose so my recommendation and
suggestion for the person is they need
to know enough about that individual
that they would like to propose to until
they reach the comfort zone yeah
reaching comfort zone it means that you
feel okay with it you don't have to know
every single them about them before you
propose yeah no you first know that
they're willing to cooperate on certain
levels let's say they if they are
available or not if they think that
they're ready for marriage or not uh if
they can consider someone like your
status
basically they know that the person
who's proposing is from a different pers
perspective background and so on yes
once you reach the the the the comfort
zone to that level then you go and
propose to know right now their
intellectuality their level of let's say
maturity uh how much uh what is what are
their goals for life and so on these
things will come as you Converse and you
communicate with each other and the
first proposal does not necessarily mean
that's going to be accepted or rejected
yeah uh you just simply go and you talk
to them and you Converse and see see
explore basically the mind and the Heart
of the individual that you proposed to
next question that would lead me into
would be is it allowed permissible for a
man and woman to talk over the the
internet meaning chat email in order to
get to know one another better for
marriage if uh if this basically uh um
if this is after the initial proposal
means they proposed means the parents
they know or at least if they don't have
let's say someone has does not have a
parent being a convert or maybe someone
uh whose parents might not be any
interest basically in their relationship
of marriage and so on they still need to
have some kind of protection so that
they don't get let's say carried in a
way with that relationship without
proper maybe arrangement for the future
and so on so my recommendation I would
say it really depends depends on uh um
the approval of uh the parents or their
guards or the wies who are engage who
also involved into that into that
proposal yeah if it was before the
proposal I do not really recommend that
at all mhm cuz uh you're basically going
to be consuming your energy with someone
over the Internet uh that you might not
even have seen at all you might just
seen pictures maybe they are over the
seas maybe we are just in across the
country and it's really really consuming
when it comes to uh uh exploiting your
emotion and their emotion uh for no
maybe I would say logical reason cuz
engaging anytime soon might be a kind of
a dream yeah nothing of reality so it's
going to be really confusing so I don't
recommend that if they're going to be
communicating online uh chatting is is
not the best way of doing that uh rather
probably have an approval again of the
Guardians they might be over the phone
where they can speak and they can uh at
least hear you know what's going on or
if they're going to be exchanging emails
then someone needs to be CCD to make
sure that you know all the conversation
uh are being taken seriously you know
for the purpose of that conversation
it's not just a matter of you know
hanging out and just you know feeling
the love and sensation and so on no it's
about someone who's serious about this
relationship who wants to take it to the
next level which is engagement and then
marriage so if I understand this
correctly first is the proposal or the
intent of propos saying okay look we're
doing this because I want to get married
true so then we go on from there
absolutely it's not that like someone
who's just going around checking you
know all these let's say ladies in in
the community or a lady for example
trying check and all the guys in the
community and now they want to explore
one at a time one at a time no you need
to have that genuine interest if you
know someone you have seen someone by S
side and you just feel comfortable with
that with that individual that's when
you go and you start asking other people
like we said in the previous actually uh
uh program so that you go and you ask
you have someone bring you some more
information and then when you reach your
comfort zone that's when you go and you
propose MH and if the proposal was
initially approved you start
communicating with each other to know
more what you need to know you need to
know what just basically Pro uh uh helps
you make a decision knowing everything
is almost impossible as a matter of fact
even even regardless how much you think
think you know the person even if you
were let's say uh practicing dating the
conventional dating yeah even if you do
that for months and years and so on
eventually the True Image the true color
of the individual appears after marriage
yeah I mean we have the perception that
you know you get to know the person
before you get married but uh
statistically speaking the rate of
divorce in America is so high about 60%
even more than that which means one out
of uh uh I mean six out of 10 marriages
into of a divorce and you're talking
about culture that promotes uh uh dating
so much meaning you need to know the
person so again this kind of you know uh
process does not guarantee happiness in
marriage even if you love the person
that much before does not guarantee
happiness after marriage so marriage has
its own rules and therefore regardless
how much you think you're prepared for
it you might be surprised and you will
all be surprised you think people are
confusing infatuation lust with now love
there is absolutely I would say I agree
that there's some kind of confusion here
many people they just get attracted to
the image yeah and they have the full
right to get attracted to the image
because we believe that the image is
that the eye basically is the the
gateway to the heart yeah and beauty is
the sign of perfection so for people
when you see something beautiful you
usually say oh wow something perfect
whether it's a something you know
sophisticated like technology or even
design or whatever you go you say it's
beautiful even though it has nothing to
do with beauty it's just even a piece of
of metal but the sophistication of it
and the Perfection of that design makes
it beautiful so in our pers perception
beauty is the sign of perfection so when
you see someone that you consider
beautiful MH or handsome then in your
perception he or she must be perfect
yeah regardless and you start deceiving
yourself that you know what everything's
going to be okay because they're
beautiful because they are perfect they
are nice they're good and so on now
that's infactuation you're trying to
close your eyes close your ears from
listening you know to the uh to the
reality of life means marriage is beyond
just the sensation of love and so I know
many people grow up and we all grow up
on that actually fairy tales and
beautiful novels and so on which makes
things you know just ends always with
happily ever after and so on I wish that
reality is like a fairy tale but it's
not yeah so there are so much needs to
be done and it's a contribution of two
actually individuals in a relationship
to make it successful next question here
we have is how do you reconcile Beauty
and Dean MH Dean translated is the way
of life or religion if he or she is not
very good-look MH then you won't want to
be with her or him but if she's not on
the dean yes same situation I agree
actually the first
thing the first thing which comes to
Beauty we need to realize that the
beauty is a relative issue mhm it's in
the eye of the beholder yeah uh the 21st
century culture has made the uh many
people assume love of a specific
standard mhm so you watch TV you read
magazines you get you know to go to the
street and so on people are obsessed by
specific specific image they made it a
standard of beauty and that standard of
beauty is not even reality why because
it's just you know it's it's a creation
our minds the the imagination of our you
know our own minds and it it does exist
in terms of you know the image being
available but it's not for everybody
yeah I mean if everyone is going to wait
for that Mr and Mrs perfect uh to be
there you're going to be waiting for so
long yeah and even if you do that you
have seen so many people what they do
they try let's to start a conversation
with someone whom they assume to be
handsome a woman who she who's beautiful
but then after some time they get
disappointed even though she's beautiful
even though he's handsome but
unfortunately in terms of
intellectuality they're not mature in
terms of spirituality they're not
showing that kind of dedication Devotion
to Allah subhana wa tala to their lord
and so on so they get turned off so it's
no longer just a matter of beauty again
beauty is in the eye of the beholder
some people they look into the spiritual
Beauty which is the dean thing yeah so
when people they look into the dean
means they practice of the de and and
and religion for them it's a sign of
devotion if they can devote themselves
to their creator they can devote them
themselves to the creation to their
husband their wives in this case yes and
even the prophet recommended that to us
he
says which means if someone comes to you
someone comes to you with a proposal and
you're satisfied with their Dean and
which means their religion their faith
the level of worship and AK which means
mannerism so two things are would
guarantee a level of I would say
happiness and stability in the marriage
with other dynamics of course the
marriage would help too as well but here
this is now to initiate that the first
thing is Dean when we say Dean we mean
by that the practice of their faith that
is that that's an indicator m to the uh
the sound relationship with the Creator
then you have Al which means mannerism
that's the indicator to their
relationship with the creation mhm so
you need to look at two things how's
their relationship with their lord and
what's the relationship with his
creation means the people around them do
they behave well how people they know
how what they know about them is is do
they have a good reputation a good let's
say character and so on so it's a matter
of basically their relationship with
their lord and their character with the
people that's what Define to you the
basics yeah and then people they have
other preferences afterwards of course
you know the issue of the level of
beauty the level of intelligence the
level of let's say lifestyle and so on
that is something optional people they
adjust their priorities depending on
their own you know taste next question
ask how can one know that the girl will
accept the leadership role of the
husband if she is also working and
possibly making more money than himh
that's an issue uh that creates some
stress and in relationship really I mean
um in Islam it's absolutely permissible
for woman to pursue career and pursue uh
work and earn money uh as long as of
course she follows specific guidelines
in terms of you know the the type of
what she's doing and where the money is
coming from its permissible source and
so on uh when it comes to marriage um
men basically they look for a woman and
they have different also preferences
some men they might be looking for a
career woman because they would like to
have let's say specific life standard
and by themselves they will not be able
to Avo to to provide for that so
therefore they need their spouse to help
with this yeah some other people no they
won't like to have a traditional
lifestyle which means he wants to be the
bread winner and then in this case he he
needs his wife to just you know to to
take the household and so he would like
to provide her with everything he wants
to be the man in her life and so on so
therefore they feel so proud of
themselves achieving that for their
wives and so on and some men they like
that as well yeah some women they do
that they do like that and some of them
I know actually as a matter of fact who
are pursuing specific let's say
education and degrees and so on but
they're not they're not interested in in
working with that degree they're just
waiting until someone propose yeah so it
goes both ways but regardless of the
situation if someone is going to be
marrying someone of a a different
perspective when it comes to to marriage
then they need to have that uh cleared
up before they go officially with the uh
with marriage mean they need to clear up
everything okay I would like my wife for
example to to to to work or i' would
like my wife to stay at home and I will
take care of her I will do everything
for her inah she though she would never
uh feel anything is missing in her life
and so on or maybe the man he would like
his wife to help with that so it's a
matter of you know Mutual
Arrangement and in Islam there is a room
for there's a room for condition
stipulations before marri marri yeah
what they what they agree on it will of
course have to go through because that's
a mutual agreement a mutual consent but
as a recommendation though that's now
that's something different islamically
speaking we believe in Traditional
Values it's the man is the one who's
providing for the family and the woman
she is basically her her role is so
important in
family no man will be able to really
substitute for the for for the role of
women in family life and that's what
creates kind of stability in society as
well yeah so this is uh if if now say
the husband he really wants that these
children are raised by their mother
obviously and it's more important that
she's really because she's the
institution of the children now
absolutely that is it something that is
encouraged that now she does make sure
that her number one priority is making
that these um children grow up to be um
people who will contribute to society
and absolutely absolutely unfortunately
many people they under estimate the
value and the and the and I would say
the work even of women at home when they
take care of the children I mean I'm
married myself and I have three children
and I know how much women and how much
you know my wife she basically she I
don't want to say use the word suffer
but how much she really she endu in
order to make sure that everything is
being done uh for the family for the
kids and also for herself and that
doesn't mean that a woman would
completely melt her personality and her
character into that relationship she
will still have her space though yeah
she has her own space she has own room
to read and to do things that she likees
to do and so on as long as they're
permissible and so you know islamically
that's okay um but absolutely the the
the the best role is to take care of the
future generation uh of this umah and
also the future generation of humanity
and that that's not an easy job to do
and she shouldn't look down I'm like
someone's looking down at her because of
is they Society has painted it kind of
like oh this year what your house Mom or
this is I mean a big important people
now people now they think of this as you
know you have a second in society yeah
and that's not fair I believe people
Unfortunately they went you know uh
Beyond I would say dealing with reality
and now they're just living their own
dreams of doing their personal
achievements and goals and then they
fall short on one of these primary roles
that you know women can do in life yeah
which is taking care of the family and
the children and so on uh that of course
now here the thing that comes over here
okay would men ever be appreciative to
their wives you know uh sacrifice and so
on they absolutely needs to be
appreciative me a man should appreciate
that his wife is the one who's taking
care of things you know in the house and
so on uh and he should also understand
you know the agonies and the pains that
his wife might go through you know
there's some sometimes there's a a a
communication problem here yeah uh a man
cannot sometimes you know Express
himself to his wife properly and the
woman might speak let's say in in a
language that the man might not
understand in terms of her feelings and
emotions so they start getting this kind
of clash yeah the man he thinks he's
being betrayed uh you know by not being
appreciated because of his sacrifice
also to the family and in return the
woman should also feels that the pain
that you know what or what I'm doing he
thinks he's the one who's doing
everything yeah but I'm the one who's
doing all these sacrific and the at home
and so on both actually are doing uh
what they're supposed to be doing their
own role in life and Allah
says women are counterparts for men
which means we complete each other we
don't we should not compete against each
other if we start competing we both lose
mhm but if we start you know
understanding that my counterpart is on
the other side and therefore it just
like becomes like a piece of puzzle yeah
you put them together it becomes perfect
because if that home is broken and if
the home is not taken care of where
these kids have that love and mercy that
first is starting with that mother
absolutely if uh Betsy's taking care of
the children and the TV is raising them
and then they're going to be let out for
society and they're not going to
obviously be a good contribution
absolutely you're going to have some
problems and we are doing already having
ACD problems because of this
unfortunately and I think the main
problem is in our perception that you
know being a mother who takes care of
her children that is not that valuable
it's not that a big contribution to the
community of the society so women they
have they grow up right now knowing you
know that I need to contribute something
different and do something else and so
on and most women they really do that
with good intentions that they would
like to to do something for themselves
feel specific let's say selfworth into
finding a speci a special thing that
they can do besides you know being just
a mother at home and so on yeah and I
believe that those who choose to to be a
stay-at-home mom they really they
deserve all the praise yeah uh because
now we're now talking about women who
can achieve things yeah uh anything
besides you know achieving the most
important role which is taking care of
household and and the child at home I
feel real sad because there's so many
questions and so little time but we're
obviously not going to be able to get to
all these questions before we talk about
this website that you have and about
training and helping people to find that
soulmate talk to us bring it home for
the person that might have just accepted
this way of life Islam and now they see
all these different rules and
restrictions and they're used to doing
it their own way according to their own
desires holding hands with a woman
getting how am I how am I supposed to
get to know her how am I supposed to you
know realize if she's the one I have to
have her guardian I have to do this I
have to do that seems like a lot of
weight now and how bring it home and
rationalize this and help them to
understand the wisdom behind this for
actually Muslims those who come to Islam
I know that one of the things that they
might face at the beginning is like a
cultural shock yeah I mean everything
for them is probably new MH and they
they everything that they do is probably
for the first time so it's going to take
a while for them because before they get
adjusted to these kind of things
specifically when it comes to the
interaction between men and women and
both of them when they act they act with
full with full you know with open heart
and you know with good faith and so on
it's not that they tend to do something
wrong but just sometimes they don't know
if it's right or wrong to do it uh there
is of course a level of interaction
between men and women in Islam it
doesn't mean that you know men and women
are completely separate from each other
yeah there is a level of interaction but
it's this interaction is the formal
interaction the informal interaction
should be for the family and should be
with the spouses which means to to you
know just let your guards down a little
bit and start interacting yourself and
so on that would be between family
members but with those who are not
related to each other there will still
have to be some level of formality with
full respect so when a man deal with a
woman he deals with her on an equal
mental level and uh I would say give her
that that the respect that she deserves
uh as a lady and the man the same thing
he deserves also that respect to have
this his his his privacy his space as
well in the community if is not related
to the woman so we we all complete we
don't compete against each other so if a
man is interested let's say in a woman
and he would like to know how to do it
we should should go to her and say I
would like to get married to you or bend
on his knee and start asking I propose
to you this might not work in the ideal
you know world of of Muslim Society so
he has to go through some of some of
these I would say trainings now this is
where you provide this right that's what
we provide we also provide that inall we
give them techniques we give them tips
on how to do it how to go about it and
there are also on our blog which is the
blog ofpra made.com uh when you go to
the blog there there a lot of
interaction and there are so many
actually ideas that we can bring to the
table and we always ask for their
contribution as well because they have
some concerns we would like to know how
we how should we help them so if they
can provide us with that kind of help
we' also uh uh provide the best training
that they want inshallah that would help
them so this would you can say can you
add to this what I'm saying is that this
is for the protection of society for the
protection of the man and woman I mean
because we see what happens when your
desires run wild most men are interested
in one thing and they can get LED Away
by you know the smooth talkers and you
the man whose agenda is one thing so if
you do it the way the Creator wants you
to do it is for your own protection so
you don't end up having illegitimate
children diseases and all these other
things that come while you s off and do
it your own way that's the importance of
marriage yeah we believe that marriage
marriage institution is a sacred
relationship and it was mentioned in the
Quran as being so sacred yeah so if it
was sacred that mean no one has the
right you know to to mess up with it it
has specific guidelines and rules they
are not rigid rules yeah but they are
guidelines guidelines that can help you
even ensure a better relationship for
yourself and your family so what
protects both actually men and women the
misperception is that it only protects
men is really wrong yeah this is more
even protective it's more protective to
women than it is for men yeah and uh men
they also have their share you know of
responsibility as much as they requ they
required to receive their rights in the
relationship so when we look at it from
from from all sides we will see that
it's really a perfect system yeah it's a
really perfect system that people would
definitely appreciate if they know that
through uh about the concept of marriage
in Islam so tell us where they can go to
get this training and where they can go
to hopefully God willing find their
soulmate I hope so and I wish them best
insh T if they come can visit us at our
website pratim mate.com and go to our
blog as well which is what used to be
the the marriage revolution.com and is
now also integrated into the same
website so if they come and visit and
they see for themselves inshallah they
can judge we would like also to see
their contribution on the blog the most
important thing right now to go start
explore it before you make a decision on
joining practic or not go to the blog
interact with other singles inshallah T
and see uh how people they see things
differently men and women how they see
the subject of marriage differently it's
amazing that would definitely would just
open your mind to the eye that you
definitely going to need that kind of
training inshallah sh thank you very
much for being with us again here on the
show we thank you and thank you for
tuning in to another episode of the de
sh hope you got the benefit
and it's very important it's very
important that we understand that this
life is short Paradise seeing the face
of Our Lord the one who created us this
is what we all should be striving for
and having your soulmate next to you
makes things a lot easier so we need to
get on the ball and find that right
person the shik had given us a website
that we can visit where you can get that
proper training because this is one of
the biggest challenges facing us today
is finding that special someone so you
trained to get better at basketball you
get training to get better at your
profession why not get some training and
how to be the best spouse so please
visit that website and visit us here at
the Deens show.com every week for a new
show until next time assalam alaykum
peace be unto you the DVDs for daah as
Allah has said in the Quran in
16125 invite all to the way of your Lord
with wisdom beautiful preaching and
reason with them in ways that are best
and this is a great opportunity for you
to take up the obligation take up the
call as Allah has told you to do and
share this beautiful message with the
world Islam submission to the one God
come and see what everyone's talking
about if you find one contradiction it
can't be from
God but the rational idea the rational
explanation is you do your best give up
worshiping God as one I will never give
up spreading this message I hope that
you take that necessary step you don't
know if you're going to live till
tomorrow so you got to find that urgency
to do the right thing right
now if you say that you do not believe
in Jesus you have stepped outside of
Islam you cannot be a Muslim is a tended
our faith
to it's cold it's late
everybody
sleeping I
arise and ask a lot to forgive me oh
Allah you
see oh Allah you
know all the sins I
do I turn to you to forgive my sins and
[Music]
my I'm your sinful slave
you're mying
Lord I'm the one runs
away oh Allah guide me