[Music]
the dean show Welcome to the dean show
I'm your host thank you for tuning in
for another exciting episode of the dean
show women out there I'm going to ask
you a question do you want to be desired
cherished and adored by your husbands I
know every one of you probably said yes
I do well my next guest Miss Laura doyo
who has been featured on CBS NBC Today
Show Good Morning America and the view
and she is the New York Times
best-selling author why because over
150,000 plus women credit her not only
to saving their relationships but also
to helping them become desire cherish
and adored she's also going to be giving
us the top three reasons now get this
this will blow your mind according to
her how traditional behavioral marriage
counseling can destroy your marriage now
I mean for many people that's like a
shock but she's going to be backing it
up with evidence and according to a UCLA
study most people who go to this kind of
marriage counseling and you know that's
the counseling that you spend thousands
of dollars and you go once a week and
you just complain about each other back
and forth and then to find out one year
later
75% of people who go to this counseling
they end up divorcing anyway way
according to a UCLA study by professors
of psychology yes she's going to be
giving us those top three reasons with
Laura doyo here on the dean show this is
an episode you don't want to miss you
want to save your marriage you want to
become adored cherished desired by your
husband she's going to be giving you the
natural
afrodesiac when we come back here in the
dean show don't go anywhere this is the
the
this is the
the is
the this is
the this is the this is
the is
the this is
the this is the this is
the this is the
this is the dean
show the welcome back to the dean show
and our special guest that I just
introduced listen
150,000 women has testified to her
helping their relationship and as I
stated she's a New York time bestseller
of her book and she's been on Good
Morning America the Today's Show CBS
Evening News the the um all of these
major networks featured and we got her
here on the dean show welcome how are
you Mrs Doyle I'm great thanks for
having me it's great to be here now you
uh you thank you so much now reading
into your books we see that your story
is that you started off you know getting
married and then it was just in shambles
and you do what people normally do they
go to the therapist and things just got
worse yeah they really did I mean one of
the problems that uh we were having
early on is that I thought there were
just a few things well maybe just about
everything really that I was better at
than my husband so I was always giving
him helpful suggestions maybe how to be
more tidy how to be more romantic how to
be more ambitious at work and I didn't
realize that helpful in wife language is
actually critical in husband language
and my husband became very distant
withdrawn he didn't show any interest in
spending time with me and talking to me
so I was really lonely and I the only
thing I could think of was either a
divorce or marriage counseling
but the marriage counseling just comp we
were complaining about each other for
about an hour a week and no couple ever
got happier that way so it really just
didn't work made things worse now you
quote a study UCLA study that proved can
you tell us about this this statistic
now yeah according to the UCLA study by
the professors of psychology couples who
received traditional behavioral marriage
counseling were separated within one
year uh over over 70% of them were I
mean this is this is this is just not
your opinion these are facts by the
professors of psychology 70 so they did
the traditional thing that you you
really wanted to earnestly protect your
marriage you went to the counseling and
it didn't work but then you did
something that this is a proven effect
if you even in business you know you
mimic the successful business
entrepreneurs and now two three of them
but you actually that's what you did for
marriage people who had a successful
marriage tell us about this 15 years
plus you went and started to uh see what
they were doing right yeah it was really
completely desperate I did not want to
be divorced but I was also clearly very
miserable we both were and so I started
asking women who'd been married what
seemed like an eternity to me which was
15 years because I'd only been married
for six seven eight years at that point
now I've been married for 25 so 15
doesn't seem that long but at the time
they said things that didn't even make
sense to me I mean it was completely
contrary to everything I'd ever read in
Glamour magazine and I remember uh one
woman saying well I try never to
criticize my husband no matter how much
it seems like he deserves it and I
remember saying yeah uh have you got
anything else because I just don't think
I can do that it was kind of the
opposite too of what had been modeled in
my home but my parents are divorced so I
was following a failed recipe and I was
head for the same outcome
but um when I finally did get willing to
experiment with all of these suggestions
I made my marriage like a little
laboratory and I just experimented trial
and error I spent years um and something
really magical emerged there were
certain things that when I stuck to them
it was like the man who wooed me was
back and his face lit up when I came
home and um we were laughing together
again and we were holding hands again
and if I didn't stick to those skills
then we went back to wall to--all
hostility and cold Wars and so I began
to see a pattern and uh it was really
kind of amazing to me that I had so much
influence over the culture of the
relationship amazing let let's get right
into the top three reasons now you make
this very bold statement again backed by
evidence that marriage constantly ruins
your marriage now
let's start with the number one the
Rodney Dangerfield dilemma talk to us
about this well um you know Rodney
Dangerfield always said I don't get no
respect and respect is so important for
men It's Like Oxygen in a relationship
for them and the Very Act of sitting on
a couch and telling a stranger
everything that's wrong with your
husband all of your complaints is really
the most disrespectful things you can do
so right there you're going to be
starting with a deficit by taking taking
the time to um downgrade your husband
you to degrade your husband to a
stranger right in front of him that is
profound I mean I tell people like look
try to breathe right now try to breathe
you can't but you're you're saying
something that's just uh so true you
know that is I mean ask any man that's
what and sometimes women can't
understand that but now for him to
breathe you to breath you need oxygen
for him that respect Is Like Oxygen then
we're better to give that love
that uh we we we we women uh desire and
need yeah yeah and I think that's a
piece that a lot of us miss like I
thought my husband just didn't care
about my happiness he didn't care about
me and really he was so busy defending
himself from all that disrespect he very
much wants me to be happy and every man
I've ever asked thousands of them tell
me the same thing I'll say how important
is it to you that your wife is happy and
they all say the same thing they say
it's very important it's the most
important thing or it's imperative so as
long as you are respecting him he's
going to just knock himself out to try
to make you happy how about you probably
heard this and then sometimes the body
language will come into it with the
little attitude say well he he don't
deserve my respect yeah have you heard
that one it we do I do hear that a lot
and so um since all of my uh experience
is based on being a wife and I only have
that to go on and you know I tried for a
long long time to change my husband and
that didn't help me or get me anything
that I wanted in life it didn't make me
happy um what I've learned is that I can
only change myself so that's where I
start with with other wives too I'll say
well you can't change him but you could
change yourself you could decide to be
respectful and see what impact that has
on the relationship could just be an
experiment just like I did experiments
in my relationship and so what's really
um mind-blowing for me every time is
with all these you know 150,000 women is
when they change their behavior he
responds to them differently and all of
a sudden she's writing and saying oh my
gosh he's doing the dishes and he or you
got a ear to do the dishes and he's um
he came to the gym with an umbrella
because it was raining and he didn't
want me to get wet like I was made of
sugar so all of a sudden he's back and
he's doing all these romantic sweet
thoughtful things this is so profound
because there's a there's a a wise
saying that when you when you implement
the things that you're talking about
with a man you will have that man like a
ring in your finger you be able to move
him around anywhere you want but when
you do the opposite the complaining lack
of respect you get the opposite it's
very true I mean I'm I'm moved every day
by how devoted and sweet and just loyal
and adorable my husband is to me now we
we were at a Breakfast Cafe recently and
I was just kind of watching the people
go by and he goes oh don't move and he
got out his phone to take my picture and
he took my picture he's like look how
beautiful you are and he hands me the
phone and I start looking at the
pictures and they're all pictures of me
in his phone right there's Laura making
dinner Laura working on her laptop and
Laura in the backyard and it's just it's
so moving I can't tell you the Inner
Strength I get from being loved like
that every single day bestselling author
here on the dean show with techniques
that work that are proven and this can
help to benefits your life your marriage
even if it's in the shambles and you
even talk about even the people who
they're at the verge of divorce so we
are at number one we're going to get to
two we're going to knock these out on
the top three why uh marriage counseling
can ruin your marriage and what proven
effects work that you discuss in your
book we'll be right back with more here
on the dean show don't go anywhere
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[Music]
below back here on the dean show with
Laura Doyle now you've been featured on
some of the major networks you have a
best selling book uh tell us uh so after
you went through all this before we get
back to the three points so now your
marriage turned around and I mean this
just went big I mean a lot of people are
catching on to
this yeah yeah they definitely are it
was really an amazing thing for me when
I first discovered these skills and they
were turning my marriage around um one
of the things I learned is that
controlling my husband just wasn't very
effective so I couldn't control him
anymore so I just started controlling my
girlfriends and telling them hey you
should try this in your marriage you
know and I give them different tips and
uh we ended up having a little support
group in my living room and it was
really inspiring because there were five
of us and every time we would get
together they would have an amazing
story of something romantic or sweet or
that their husbands had done and it was
not like the things he'd been doing in
the past at all so it really gave me an
Insight like wow this can work for other
people too and um now that um you know
I've helped over 150,000 women in 16
languages in 27 countries um from a
variety of Faith backgrounds what we've
seen is this is just Universal um that
you know women want to be loved and men
want to be respected and for a lot of us
women we didn't have any training on how
to do that it was almost like imagine if
you're 16 and someone just hands you the
car keys and says okay here's your car
just go ahead and drive now you're very
likely to crash that car without any
lessons on how to to drive I remember I
did that when I was 14 I got in the car
and thought how hard can this be and I
knocked out the backyard fence so but
once I got some lessons everything went
smoothly and that's what this is all
about for me is just uh learning skills
that um help me feel desired and
cherished and adored by my husband every
day for the rest of my life and that is
what every woman wants to be loved
cherished and adored and these things
that you're telling us now this can get
her to get what she wants yeah it really
can it was frustrating in a way because
I was looking for this when I went to
marriage counseling that's what I was
hoping I was going to get and it just
wasn't there you know that information I
don't know where we're supposed to learn
this I haven't really seen it anywhere
else let's get into we did number one
the Rodney Rodney Dangerfield dilemma
let's go we got two more this Kanye West
condition what's this Kanye West
condition well this is where um at least
for me I had a lot of fear that my
husband was going to mess up and it was
going to make extra work for me or cost
us extra money or I would be embarrassed
so I was always telling him what to do I
was always telling him what like what to
wear to the party and which Freeway Exit
he should take um I was telling them how
to ask for a raise at work and all this
did was um create just a ton of tension
and distance in our relationship because
my husband got the message that I didn't
trust him and I didn't respect him
either so um it was really interesting I
mean the marriage counselor told me that
I was controlling and I was like you
know you're right I I want to stop what
do I do and she's like yeah just stop
being so controlling and I had no idea
how to do that and it was really sad and
frustrating for me because um I needed
some um some steps I needed some
guidance about how to do that so that's
what I've developed since is this uh
world famous system for how to
relinquish inappropriate control of your
husband and focus instead on your own
happiness which really tremendously
improves the
intimacy number three talking about the
Dr Phil phenomenon that uh you state
that no couple has ever gotten happier
complaining about each other uh one week
one hour out of the week that's right
that was definitely one of the pitfalls
of marriage counseling is you're
focusing on everything that's wrong when
we all have a choice every day to focus
on our gratitude and the blessings we
have in our life or to focus on how he
um you know left a milk glass in the
living room or left his socks on the
floor you know some of these minor
things you know that he chews with his
mouth open sometimes right you can get
focused on that and forget that this is
the same guy that gets up with the baby
in the middle of the night or um you
know works hard so you can stay home
with that baby or uh you know watches
the baby while you go to Zoomba class or
something like that so we all have that
decision to make every day and marriage
counseling unfortunately it's really
geared towards focusing on the problems
there's one other problem I will tell
you I had in marriage counseling I just
want to kind of admit this in case
there's other women that relate to this
and that is I really believed that all
the problems in my marriage were my
husband I thought if he would change
then I would finally be happy of course
I know now that's not how it works but
and I'm a little embarrassed to admit
that but part of me taking him to
marriage counseling was about that like
I was kind of a hypocrite I was just
there so she could fix him I was just
being the dutiful wife standing by while
he got retrained somehow and so that's
not effective either that's a setup for
terrible disappointment this is amazing
this is like something I mean when
peanut butter was discovered I mean this
is like when the earth they thought they
thought it was flap actually round and
you know went against the odds and you
know Society now has one Norm but I mean
this is something that's profound and
really of great benefit uh let's get uh
before we go to break tell us you know
afrodesiac this is something that people
look into for uh some foods as
afrodesiac some of these oil oil s but
you you talk about something else being
an aphrodesiac tell us about this yes
the best aphrodesiac in the world for a
wife to use is respect the minute her
husband feels respected she becomes so
special she becomes so desirable so
beautiful U and so this is it's so funny
I'll ask people I'll say what's the
number one thing that men want from
their wives and people always say sex
and you know what it's actually respect
they want sex too of course I'm not
saying they don't but respect is even
more important and for a lot of us wives
we just don't even realize when we're
being disrespectful I used to roll my
eyes at something my husband said and I
didn't realize I was being disrespectful
in that moment I would interrupt him or
he'd be trying to talk to me and I'd be
walking around the house maybe with a
laundry basket or something not really
listening and having no idea that um I
just had no concept of what it looked
like to be respectful and now that I do
I just love that I can restore the
intimacy so quickly even if I mess up
and I am disrespectful I can apologize
for being disrespectful and it's like
the Wall comes down immediately and
we're back to being close and connected
again wow respect love formula for
Success uh we're going to take a break
and I know there's got to be Skeptics to
everything but we're going to also ask
some questions that the skeptic might be
asking are you okay with that absolutely
let's do it okay beautiful we'll be
right back here in the dean show with
bestselling author Laura Doyle here on
the dean show don't go anywhere I want
you to imagine you wake up and in front
of you are a bunch of guys running
around kicking a ball no goals no lines
no rules what would you
think but is that your life surely every
sport has its goal every game has its
end it has its objective it has its
rules how about life how about our life
isn't there a goal to life isn't there a
purpose an objective that we have to
reach we think so the Quran tells us
that we exist in order to worship God
and worshiping God means knowing god as
the Quran
says worship though is not some narrow
small thing it's one wide it's vast it
encompasses everything that the human
being does everything that you do
everything that you think everything
that you feel can be done thought said
felt in a way that is either pleasing or
displeasing to God the purpose of life
is to try and do everything in a way
that God loves and God is pleased with
that is your goal please subscribe to
the dean show follow us on our official
Facebook and Twitter pages in The the
links below please also help support the
dean show by making a donation in the
link
[Music]
below back here on the dean show with
bestselling author Laura Doyle tell us
now there are some people who have heard
these three points and they're like okay
look marriage counseling helps a lot of
people you know why why are you so
against
it right well that was my first thought
too I mean that's why I went to marriage
counseling and we went for years we
spent um gosh over $99,000
and
$9,000 yes we did wow I was really I
really wanted to save our relationship
we both did we were both really
desperate and um as I mentioned it
didn't work for me but I assumed that it
was just us it must just be us there was
something about us that we just didn't
do well in marriage counseling but then
when I had this breakthrough discovery
of the the six intimacy skills and I
started helping other women um I be you
know I became a relationship coach and
um I train other relationship coaches
all over the world and one thing that
became really evident from listening to
other women is um they often came to me
after they'd been to marriage counseling
they'd say yeah we've been in marriage
counseling for a year and now we're
separated or now we're divorcing or now
my husband's having an affair and um it
was really I I couldn't deny that there
was damage being done I think if
marriage counseling was helpful of
course that'd be great um if it was
neutral that would be better but what
I've seen from my position as a
relationship coach is marriage
counseling actually does a lot of
damage so it's really important to me to
get that word out and let women know
that there is actually a proven way a
way that's done in real marriages in the
trenches and has worked for so many
people that you can restore your
marriage it's more fun than marriage
counseling it works faster uh and so so
it's really important to me you know I
it gives me no pleasure to say that
marriage counseling is harmful because I
think marriage counselors are mostly
good people that really want to help and
unfortunately they just don't have the
right information just like I didn't
have the right information amazing now
someone who's a who is uh who's been
going to therapy or they are a therapist
they've studied and they say look I I
have the the PHD in this area what
credentials do you have Mrs Doyle yes
yeah well I actually have a lot of
marriage counselors now come to me and
ask for help with their relationships so
um that's been interesting and and
gratifying you know I'm um I'm honored
that they would do such a thing and um
some people do take a very academic
approach to this they've studied it um
you know in classrooms with books and
what I did was I I did it in the
trenches this was done with real women
and real marriages with real uh
heartbreak and challenges and it really
works and we just see it you know I have
a i women in Malaysia and Egypt and uh
Jordan and Spain and South Africa and uh
Mexico write to me and say uh you know
you saved my marriage thank you so much
this is has been really life-changing to
learn this
information let's go before we end a few
over a few more of these points you talk
about the use of uh spouse fulfilling
prophecies yes tell us about this I love
this I mean one of the things I used to
do um was go around uh telling my
husband that he needed to make more
money right you know you need to just
try to you know why don't you get a
raise why don't you get a better job and
what he heard me saying was you don't
make enough money and we got to the
point where he wasn't making any money
he was out of work and I was supporting
us both and I felt like uh in retrospect
I can look back and see how I created
that with my constant messaging so I um
learned about I learned a few things
about how I was reinforcing what I
didn't want instead of what I did want
and I decided to change it up I started
saying um you've always been a good
provider which was true and then just
for fun because a lot of this is about
having fun I mean part of why you why
you get married is to have you know good
times and and laugh so I started calling
him Mr
Moneybags and um around that time he
started his own business and he's had it
for over a decade now he's very
successful he works from home he loves
what he does and it was just a complete
transformation from before where he was
kind of struggling at jobs he hated and
and he does a lot better now so I really
got to see how much influence my words
have and so um I teach this to other
wives now I remember one woman said her
her uh spouse fulfilling prophecy was
you never want to spend time with me
that's what she was affirming to him all
the time and of course it was
manifesting in their relationship so um
one day they were going to spend
Saturday together and he got a call from
his who wanted to go mountain biking so
he said sure I'll go mountain biking and
she was really upset that he would just
abandon her like that even though they
had plans to spend the day together and
so the first thing out of her mouth was
you never want to spend time with me
right her old affirmation but then she
remembered oh no I've got a new I've got
a new affirmation now so about 15
minutes later she went back and said I
know you want to spend time with me I'm
sure you'll work it out and so and then
she left the room again and 5 minutes
later he came back and said hey I
canceled with Joe so that we could spend
our day together today so she was just
she fell out of her chair she was so
surprised how quickly it works to affirm
what you want instead of what you don't
want so wow this is a whole new
perspective now instead complaining just
doesn't work no no it's so interesting
because if you are complaining to your
husband he actually can't even hear you
is what I've discovered like if I come
in and say wow this house is such a mess
and no one ever helps me clean like you
just can't even hear it but if I um find
the desire under my complaint every
complaint is actually a lazy desire if I
um figure out what it is I'm wanting and
I focus on that outcome like I might say
I would love it if the kitchen were
clean and my husband will say oh okay
I'll I'll tell you what I'll Lo the
dishwasher you you know you wipe off the
counters or whatever or I remember one
time years ago I said um I want to make
this dinner tonight
but I don't want to do the dishes and he
was like okay I'll do them and that was
you know I think actually was like 15
years ago and he's been doing them ever
sense so a lot hinges on the way I
express myself and just being really um
careful that I'm picking the thing that
I want well we we almost got a go I I
want you to tell us where we can get the
book and uh now it's called some people
also get maybe some wom might get up in
arms you say the surrendering wife I'm
not surrendering to nobody
that's right it's a powerful powerful
and then you have another book tell us
about why you chose this topic uh this
yeah this title for the book and and
where can people get it well to me the
surrendered wife is just a beautiful I I
think the word surrendered is just a
beautiful spiritual word like I think
Islam means surrender right yeah
surrender to the Creator yes yeah so um
so for me it was just about um
acknowledging that I can't change anyone
besides myself and I'm not going to try
to change my husband but just be
grateful um you know that he's the man
that I married and that I get to spend
all my days with and be connected to so
I think some people hear uh you know
obedient wife or subservient wife and
that's so not it but um you can get the
surrendered wife whatever books are sold
but if you want to come and read a free
chapter maybe take the intimacy skills
quiz you can go to Laura doy.org and you
can sort of test yourself on those
skills and find out um you know where
you might be lacking and where you can
get some better skills so uh and so lur
doy.org to find out more about the
surrendered wife or you can buy whever
books are sold let me just get one more
out of you one more this is this is
interesting it's like when you tell your
husband when you're forcing them telling
him what to do most likely he end up
doing the opposite is this true yeah
it's absolutely true like from for my
husband I remember if I was trying to
get him to clean the garage I remember
he even told me one day he got up and he
was thinking I'm going to clean the
garage today and I said to him hey you
promised you were going to clean the
garage today like I was like reminding
him but I was just really a controlling
shrew NAD person and he said he spent
the rest of the day like just avoiding
cleaning the garage just because I had
said that as like he was forced to kind
of defend his own sense of self and his
own sovereignty over his own decisions
for his life so that's not where I want
to be where I want to be is maybe you
know cleaning it together he comes in
and cleans it and wants to show me the
good work he's done and things like that
so that's that's how it is now can we uh
can we conclude conclude with this is
this a true statement like both uh men
and women I mean we both need food and
water to survive right so for for men
now the and we both want love and
respect but for the man the the water
you need more water to survive then you
can go more you can go longer without
food but you can go less without water
so the water for for women is the love
and the water for men is the the respect
is that correct it totally is and it's
such a nice virtuous cycle if you will
the more respectful of my husband that I
am the more he just loves me and thinks
I'm so special and so the more loved I
feel and the easier it is to respect him
and it just goes around and around like
that that's amazing so get the book uh
surrendering wife and you have the other
one there that you can get also at your
website what's the website again sure
it's Laura Doyle .org so it's.org as an
orgasm most people don't know that
that's what it stands for but we're all
about relationships here so we call it
lower doyle. orgasm thank you so much
for finding the time listen we're GNA
have I'm going to reserve you maybe in
another uh few months we just touched
upon some things I got so many more
questions I'm sure we're going to get
tremendous amount of feedback are you
willing to come back again on the show
The futureed I've been I've really
enjoyed being here thank you so much
can't wait to come back thank you so
much M dor thank you
and thank you Mrs Doyle for all of this
insightful information truly of benefit
to anyone who sincerely wants to better
their relationship in marriage and some
great advice and it's coming from a
woman who was also having a marriage in
shambles and she started to go towards
people who had successful marriages and
taking advice from them and now she's
even sought after by marriage therapists
who are coming towards her 150,000
people look women have credited her to
their successful relationship those
numbers by themselves I mean they tell a
lot that is amazing and now women by
implementing these things they get what
they're striving for that cherishment
adornment that love that every woman
wants but now that's that
aphrodesiac that she'll get all these
things by by giving that respect to the
Man I mean a lot of times people don't
want to hear that but it's the truth you
know what's amazing to see we see this
complete balance in the blueprint that
we live by that the creator has sent
down for all of mankind that the woman
is to give that respect to the man and
the man is to live with his wife on a
footing of mutual love and kindness It's
so clear and now to see the bestselling
New York Times
author speaking about the same things
and how it's impacted not only her life
but also those 150,000 plus women and it
is the natural afrodesiac to a
successful marriage if only we will heed
the advice sincerely wanting to change
because change sometimes it's easier to
move a mountain
but if we really want successful lives
to have a successful marriage to live a
successful life then when the good news
comes to you take advantage of it
implement it and this is good news for
anyone who imp implements it that
definitely they will have a successful
marriage thank you for tuning in again
thank you Mrs doyo for being here on the
dean show subscribe if you haven't
already to our Channel and look forward
to another exciting
episode this month is Ramadan hope
everybody is I told you we're going to
bring you some special treats this month
and this was one of those so continue to
support the dean show and we'll see you
next time until then peace be with you
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