[Music]
the dean show thank you for being with
us this week on The Dean show my next
guest exciting exciting forget about Dr
Phil Dr Roof we're going to be with Dr B
here on the dean show talking about
conflict resolution in marriage tried
and proven recipes for a successful
marriage we're going to be talking about
some practical not just things in theory
but things that go on in the home I'm
sure you've heard this before my wife
talks too much oh B another common thing
is we hardly spent any time together
he's never home all of these things I'm
just giving you a taste but all of this
and more on this week's show with my
next guest we'll be right
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back this is
the this is the de show
this is the
the
the this is
the the
the peace be with you
salum pe be with you how are you
alhamdulillah now I I I I shorten I said
Dr B actually Dr Basher yeah said forget
about Dr Phil Dr rof you're an expert in
this area author of over 12 books 35
years experience alhamdulillah tell us
what made you decide to write this
wonderful book book called Blissful
marriage our Focus myself and and my
wife since we came to North America back
in
1973 was on family and on parenting
particularly but with the workshops we
did on parenting with the counseling we
did for parents we found that one of the
main problem that they are not able to
help their children is that they
themselves have problem amongs as as a
couple so we thought of writing a book
from this perspective to help them uh
provide the proper family atmosphere at
home because Mom and Dad are are the one
who are responsible for providing a
family atmosphere and if the family
atmosphere is negative and
unhealthy uh the kids they are being
affected negative if the family
atmosphere is healthy and positive uh is
is is reflecting in their uh upbringing
in in a very very nice way and as a
matter of fact Scholars agree that
family atmosphere is one of the most
important factors that affect the
formation of the personality of the
child and who is responsible for the
family atmosphere both mom and dad so if
they themselves have
problems you
can right away know what's going to
happen within and and and Allah subhana
created us with our minds registering
pictures much more than words that's why
family atmosphere is very important
that's why modeling is the most
important way of of parenting that's why
Allah sent to us Prophet Muhammad sallu
alaihi wasallam as our role model as he
told us in verse number
21 and we as parents have to learn from
the model of prophet Muhammad s Ali
wasallam then model for our children
because everything we do at home leaves
the mark on the personality of the child
that's why we thought of writing this
book from this perspective to help both
parents to have a blessful marriage in
have a nice harmonious relationship that
will reflect possitively on the uh
children in the house now before we get
into lot of this is an interesting thing
about your book you have common phrases
that are out there so I didn't just
invent this it's in your book my wife
talks too much or my the wife complains
about the husband barely being home
these are real issues that people are
dealing with and another real issue is
very important you discussed this in
your book are the statistic the
statistics of the divorce and other
things can you go ahead and elaborate
why you put this in there and a little
bit about this sure these are very
alarming statistics and it is really
scary uh the the rate of divorce
according to an empirical study that was
done by Professor elas bayun may Allah
bless his soul Dr elas bayun the
professor of sociology and in Upper
state New York he did an empirical study
on rate of divorce with among Muslim
families in various provinces and states
in in in North America and that was uh
he concluded study in
2002 and the rate of divorce the mean
rate of divorce was around
32% the national rate then was
50% now according to new studies it is
really alarming the recent figure that I
I hear was 40% among Muslim families I
estimate more than
40% and this is for for for many reasons
uh I'm sure uh this
this uh not understanding for examp
example the objective of marriage not
preparing themsel for this uh very
important step in their life uh not
knowing uh or trying to understand each
other and and uh not uh trying to uh to
know the what is the process of
selection the proper one that is really
going to create a good uh uh
relationship not nurturing the gift of
Allah subhana T that he gave to us uh
during marriage because it it was said
in verse number
21 so this and is gift from Allah
subhana T it is one of his signs that he
create for us spouses so we can dwell in
peace and Tranquility with them and he
gave us this m and as his gift during
the uh
the the the night of wedding you know
but
after two three months after wedding
after the honey moon is
over problems start happening why
because we don't nurture the gift of
Allah subhana T enough we don't
understand uh the the proper objectives
of marriage we don't understand many
Concepts that help keeping the family
intact and and and peaceful and and
happy and harmonious so this is this
statistics are are really alarming and
if we don't really uh do the right thing
to ensure and protect this uh very
important institution which is a family
we will be part of the statistics and
our role as uh Scholars is to make sure
in that to let more and more people know
the proper process of selection know
what are the objectives of marriage
where they focus what should be doing to
nurture the gift of Allah
subhana all these things help
tremendously in keeping the family
intact so wouldn't be part of this
alarming statistics we got one more
minute before we go to break so usually
we hear the statistic that's just a
general statistic the 50 plus% of the
non-muslims but now you're telling us
this is statistic that we're catching up
to that exactly this is very alarming it
is very alarming and you have Solutions
now when we come back you tried and
proven solutions for a successful
marriage you cover in your book yeah we
we give many practical tips and many
principle that we should build the
family on to help in reducing this numb
of so that's what we're going to be
talking about and more here with Dr
Basher Dr B and the show be right back
word can't have defects in it can
it if it is literally God's word yes it
cannot have
defects this was written by men we know
that this is collection right even if
you have Matthew Mark Luke and John The
Gospel According to according to right
um the thing about the Quran and the
biggest and and you know I'll leave you
with this is the biggest thing for me is
if the Quran is exactly what it says it
is and this doesn't matter whether
you're Muslim or not if the Quran is
what it says it is the Quran is
literally the word of God delivered via
Gabriel to Muhammad who was an
unlettered man who couldn't read or
write right and he was just told to
recite right that was the first thing
right first thing was told Rec right um
so if it is literally the word of God
then that's pretty important to me and
and before I became Muslim I said if
this is the word of
God then I'm going to follow it because
I'd be stupid not
to back here on the dean show with Dr
Basher and we're talking about marriage
institution of marriage because you got
broken homes you will have broken
societies correct so we want to keep the
family together and you've got tried and
proven recipes for a successful marriage
that you wrote the book Blissful
marriage but now you got bombshell
marriages you know the husband and wife
terrorizing each other and we know
there's ups and downs in marriage but
how can they keep it together and get
through all the tough times or hard
times with somebody these proven
techniques yeah it is amazing how much
time coues spend to prepare for the
wedding and the dress and the
invitation cards and and but they don't
spend
enough time to know each other so this
is the key is the compatibility between
the couple how much time do they spend
with each other to make sure that at
least there is a chance of success 60%
70% for this marriage to continue and
that's why one of uh our solution there
is we created a questioner for both
female candidate and male candidate the
long one is almost 14 15 pages and it it
took lots of thinking to put it together
but if you use this questionnaire as the
first step to get to know each other uh
uh there are questions about the Hobbies
about the how you spend your time your
commitment to the dean things like this
uh if you use this questioner it gives
you a very very good indication that
hopefully this marriage will be
successful so these are this is before
you actually Mar so this is before
marriage questionnaire I see in your
book yes pre premarital counseling as a
matter of fact we recommend to all the
imams in various Mass whoever invites us
for the marriage Workshop that we do we
recommend to them that never make a a
contract of marriage for anybody without
giving them a course on marriage and
there are so many courses available
alh and it makes a big difference to
understand what are you approaching what
what is required in this marriage yeah
so this is a Prett thing the second
thing is there are many uh Concepts that
are being misunderstood in Islam by
Muslims as well as by
non-muslims and uh so many of them is
related to the family is related to a
status of woman in Islam is to the
objective of marriage so we try to
explain in our book in great details in
Practical terms what are the objectives
of marriage and Scholars you have list
of objectives but the most important
thing that we feel is that it help you
to be a better Muslim it help you to be
closer to Allah subhana tala it help you
to have a stronger faith and we give
lots of examples from the life of the
companions of the Prophet sallallahu
alhi wasallam as how they help with each
other to be a stronger Muslims so if we
understand the objectives of marriage as
the of the prophet wasallam and the of
of the Prophet Sall alhi
wasallam in this is going to help us to
be in in a mindset that we are there to
contribute to to the success of this
marriage we will do these things that
will show the commitment that we want
this marriage to to be successful so in
the
beginning we we we we at least uh know
that there is a a good chance that's
going to be successful through the
questioner and through the preparation
for then when we understand the
objective marriage
properly then in we are going to commit
oursel to success of this marriage
then if we understand the the proper uh
concepts of a husband wife relationship
status of woman Islam a concept of this
going to help tremendously in uh making
sure that we are not doing things out of
our own culture that has nothing to do
with Islam that's contributing
negatively to the marriage yeah how how
important is it that both parties have
to be open and receptive for changing
maybe and getting rid of some old bad
habits for maybe some culture
maybe someone says look you can't teach
old dog new tricks what do you say when
someone says you can't teach old dog new
tricks or and you refer that to a person
who said in their ways yeah I I say this
is wrong you anything could be teachable
and as a matter of fact The Message of
Islam itself is a change for the better
we try to change our ourself to be
better that's why in in all our
workshops in all our books we include a
chapter on self cleansing and self
search for better parenting or for
better spousal relation where we put
lots of questions that would help the
husband as well as the wife to look at
these
questions and if they answer them
properly and honestly they will be able
to pinpoint and identify the sources of
their shortcomings when it comes to this
relationship this is the concept of M
that we were told that we have to do
Allah subhana T told us
in verse number 18
inah who believe have ta toward Allah
and let everyone look for what he or she
presented for tomorrow the concept
of us to
say evaluate assist scrutinize your own
actions and deeds before is going to be
evaluated against you and prepare
yourself for that day so it is very
important that to make self search so we
can improve ourself in every area of our
life in the area of marriage in the area
of penalty and that's why we include in
our books this self search questionnaire
that will help every spouse to find out
what are the source of my shortcomings
how can I improve them how can I change
them where are my
strengths and how can I continue to use
them and as you rightly said
communication is a very
important key factor in having
successful marriage and there are
different styles of
communications and many of the problems
that happen is because uh many spouses
use the
combative style of communication not the
collaborative style of communication and
we elaborate on this and and say how to
be an active listener how to be to use
the eye messages so you don't offend
your uh partner your spouse and this way
uh the chances for things to be
successful are much much higher in we
got more to talk about you talk about
conflict resolution forgive and forget
controlling your a uh anger no name
calling not combative uh confrontation
all this and more so we can develop
ourselves this is what our creator wants
to be the best human beings possible
right back with more inshallah God
willing and I know you're all tuned in
on all the my wife talks too much my
husband's never home this chapter of
book and more when we come back here in
the dean show we'll be right
back God says in the
Quran no one is held accountable for
what someone else is
doing so just because your parents were
going through what they were going
through it doesn't mean that you're held
accountable for what they did nor will
they'll be nor will they be held
accountable for what you do so you can't
blame what you're doing on your parents
once you know better you need to
J back here on the dean show we're
talking about Blissful marriage with Dr
Basher Shake can you tell us in one of
the chapters of your book you have it
called Purity and
cleansing and you talk about forgive and
forget you talk about the conflict
basically resolution can you go over
some of these points controlling your
anger before we went to break you talked
about the combative energy between the
two is a negative thing can you express
on these uh process of purification and
cleansing is very important for us
Muslims in every area of our life and we
are recommended to do it with respect to
our relation with our spouses with our
uh children with our neighbors and so on
and so forth uh now to put the right
perspective on problems is is very
important in avoiding the problem
problems are part of life and they will
happen no matter what you do but think
about it that it's part of life and if I
deal with it properly insh there will be
no uh negative lingering effect in the
future it it even happened in the life
of the prop sallallah Ali wasallam he
had some problems with
his family members with his with his
wives how do we know
this reported that the prophet
told by Allah I know when you are
pleased with me and when you are
displeased with me she said how he
said if you were displeased with me when
you make an oath you say no with the
Lord of
ibraim if you are pleased with me when
you make an oath you say know who is the
Lord of Muhammad she said
you said the truth I only abandon your
name so so see even in the best
relationship between the prophet AA he
had some problems but the point is how
to resolve it properly and and these are
some of the guidelines that we talk
about in the book uh that first have the
proper perspective of of the problem
second don't don't be historical and
keep pointing fingers and and remind
your spouse with all the problems that
happen you remember such and such you
did this such no be solution oriented be
objective and and and be calm and cool
don't discuss it when you are very angry
that's why anger management is very
important in any relationship don't act
out of anger and or frustration in in
when you want to discuss these things
select a proper time for both of you and
sit and discuss and then use the proper
language there is a rule of
communication that Allah subhana tal
gave to us Muslims and this rule you can
find in inah Al is bani is verse number
53 which is is recommending that
we always say the kind word we always
say what's
best and tell my servants to always say
what's best to always say the
kind word uh because Shan is always
trying
to uh Sol problems between the the
couples as a matter of fact the big Shan
is very pleased with the little Shan who
makes who cause problems within the
family much more than anything else so
using the proper communication
techniques where you don't point fingers
you don't you you use the eye message
instead of say you always do this you
made me do this say express your feeling
I don't feel comfortable when I see that
our family time is being neglected by
you are expressing your feeling you are
not pointing finger to the other person
he will he will accept it much more that
oh you always don't respect our family
time you always do this you always do
that this this is this is not that's a
no that's a no not shouldn't happen you
know that otherwise how can we
translate reel and always use what's
best so these are some of the guidelines
uh that Islam tells us about it uh that
would help tremendously in in keeping
the conflicts within the proper
perspective if if it's getting bigger
then we can seek counseling nothing
wrong with seeking counseling it is like
a taboo in in within Muslim families but
Allah subh is recommending it in
Quran let's
send H from her side from his side so
and if you really want to Recon recile
Allah subhana will make it work it
depends on on Our intention do we really
want to reconcile and get rid of these
problems and start the strong family
again or we are just want to fight with
each other yes so if we want to
reconcile we have the intention Allah
subh will make it work Mah alhamdulillah
the creator has been more merciful and
he sent the blueprint so now we have it
and you expound on many of these things
in your book for a blissful marriage
tell us now people love when we keep it
real and we keep it real and this is
what people can relate to and you keep
it real in your book and you talk about
some of the common phrases that we might
hear and I mention and people are
excited now he the wife's complaining my
husband's barely home or she talks too
much or whatever the case can you
expound why did you put these phrases in
your in your book and how we can benefit
from that as you said we try to make it
real in all our books is like in the
first book we we published parenting in
the meeting the challenge of parenting
in the w we have what we call case
studies where you you you gift typical
problem that happen between the parents
and the children or between the spouses
and then you you ask the reader to try
to answer questions related to to the
problem and analyze it then we put a
whole chapter on the proper answer for
this problem and that makes it much
easier for the reader to relate to I'm
sure we have like in this book Blissful
marriage you have around 13 or 14 real
problem uh as you mentioned some of them
and I'm sure many of the readers can
relate to and when they read it and they
see the analysis and and the
recommendation there oh yeah I think I'm
doing this I think I shouldn't be doing
absolutely so so they pick up tips and
and and uh directions you know pointers
so uh they can help their marriage to be
successful if if I have to end with
something I would say please keep
nurturing the gift of Allah subhana
waala of and Ma is much much more than
just love it is it is a comprehensive
kind of love that brings the best out of
the couple that's why Allah say inah
verse Number
96 those who believe and act righteously
Allah will bring this ma between them so
I ask Allah to help us to to to be able
to nurture this gift and we had all over
30 qualities that we should try to
improve in ourselves so we can can help
us to nurture this gift so our family
life will be harmonious will be peaceful
and will be the best family life we can
have we'll be Blissful marriage in BL
marriage get the book Blissful marriage
Blissful marriage get the book don't
miss out thank you shay for being with
us thank you so much may Allah bless you
amen you too thank you and that was Dr
Basher and if anybody wants a workshop
family parenting or marriage Bliss
Workshop in your community look up Dr
berer at his website they come out for
free and do the the workshops and it all
starts with wanting earning to become
better because as Muslims once who have
submitted to the Creator not the
creation we should be in a constant
state of self-development each and every
day progressing instead of regressing so
we need the knowledge we need hit people
like his experiences so we can benefit
from people of knowledge and we can grow
to be the best the best in life so
inshallah at the end God willing we can
get to Jenna follow us on the Facebook
and Twitter keep up with the dean show
and we'll see you next time inshallah
God willing until then peace be unto you