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the dean show greetings of Peace welcome
to the dean show I'm your host you're
watching the dean show every week new
show exciting exciting and you're tuning
in and you went from maybe being
obsessed with a boyfriend then you
learned about the dean this way of life
as a complete way of life and now you
left off being obsessed with a boyfriend
and doing it the wrong way to doing it
the right way now you're obsessed with
getting a husband getting a wife and now
you're in The Strife now it's very
difficult you're seeing that it's it's
it's tough It's challenging you went
through all the matrimonial sites and
you've been paired up with the wrong
person you're just not clicking and my
next guest went through all of the same
drama and he went from this site to that
site to that person that person finally
he made it and he's gained so much
experience so if you were just about to
give up and you tuned into to the dean
show There's Hope yet because with my
next guest he's going to help us benefit
from his experience es and give another
door to an Avenue that you can take so
hopefully you can find that right
husband or the right wife and do things
the right way we'll be right back here
on the dean show with my next guest
don't go anywhere
the this is
the this is the D
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this is the is
the
the this is
the this is the this is
the this
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is with
you brother how's everything how's
everything my brother very good
alhamdulillah so I went from saying in
the beginning opening many people they
went from being obsessed with a
girlfriend to a boyfriend they finally
learned the dean yes they went away from
all that because that woman she's not
talking about getting test driven and
he's sick of test driving exactly so
what are the benefits of marriage now
alhamdulillah marriage first first and
foremost it um saves us from the F of
the world you know unfortunately we live
in a society where Haram is just
surrounding us 247 and it's it's much
easier to commit yourself into Haram
than to do it the right way to do it um
with uh keeping in mind the the Sharia
of Allah subh tala and uh alhamdulillah
once somebody gets married you can enjoy
the benefits of you know the the gender
interactions but do it in a way that's
pleasing to your creator now you said
one word and I can't let you get away
what you said Sharia yes now some some
people who just you know they love
bashing Islam they hear this word it's a
red light what do you mean when you say
Sharia Sharia in simple terms is
essentially the the laws of the Creator
the dos and the don'ts as simple as that
and Sharia is not something to be scared
of because it's something that's just
and peaceful to the entire Society for
Muslims and non-muslims alike yeah Moses
B Sharia Jesus charity is Sharia you
know being good to family is Sharia
prayer Sharia this is all part of the
Sharia right absolutely okay now
marriage is part of the institution
that's another part of the Sharia
correct correct and What mo motivated
you so people can also benefit before we
go deeper into this to get into marrying
just for your personal experience just
in a condensed version right I mean I I
basically try to follow what our our
religion teaches which is to first and
foremost go to your parents to your
relatives to your friends to the Imam of
the Masjid um and I I did all of that um
but unfortunately you know first of all
uh marriage will only happen when Allah
has destined it so in a way I wasn't
doing anything wrong I uh
what I was doing was sort of getting
frustrated with some of the tools and
the resources that were available and so
initially when I went through all the
the people that I knew and they kept for
whatever reason bringing the wrong kind
of person that I was really not
interested in I eventually went on to
the matrimonial websites to sort of do
my own Dirty Work and uh again you know
there's a plethora of matrimonial
websites out there and some of them are
good some of them are not so good uh but
generally speaking most of them had
certain issues that that I felt could be
improved upon and so alhamdulillah
alhamdulillah after looking for three
very long years I alhamdulillah got
married to a wonderful sister and uh
right after we got married I actually
discussed with her and I and I proposed
my idea that I wanted to utilize my
professional skills as a programmer and
um uh my background of uh being a
student of knowledge and having
connections with the and the sh of the
community and also using my experience
of going through this journey how can I
put all these things together to make it
easier for those that follow now how can
we benefit from your experiences now you
you have a lot of experience because you
went through I mean could we safely say
all almost all of the the matrimonial
sites that are out there yes right so
you gained a lot of experience we want
to extract some of that so our viewers
can benefit and now make maybe some of
the mistakes you might have made learned
a lot so we can benefit what are some of
the difficulties and challenges you face
um you know so like I said there there
are a lot of websites out there and some
of them are good some of them are not so
good the biggest problem that I felt in
my humble opinion is that most of the
matrimonial websites out there are there
as a business to make money they're not
really interested in benefiting people
to to connect for the purpose of getting
married and in fact once people get
married uh they lose a customer so it's
almost to their benefit to keep you
perpetually looking and just going
through this
frustration um that's one thing second
thing is you know it's the internet so
there's really very little control of
what you can do and what you cannot do
and so most of us you know those that
are trying to uh be practicing and
fearful of God's laws uh we want to do
it the right way and most of these
websites will not have controls in place
to watch you and basically you can do
whatever you want and so you get into
all kinds of FNA you know communicating
with people in a way or in a manner
that's not pleasing to to God um and
then the third sort of problem is uh
because it's an open medium to the whole
world you get all kinds of people with
bad intentions some of them trying to
scam you for money or um just they're
bored so they want to just fool around
with somebody else's emotions so you get
like a whole you know Suite of people
that just add to the frustration of
somebody who's sincerely looking to get
married for the for the sake of Allah
for the for the right reasons what now
go ahead so uh what I would say is my
experience has essentially benefited me
in creating resources that that have the
right controls in place so that we
minimize the Haram or the FNA and also
uh maximize the chances of success by
bringing together a group of people that
have a lot of commonality already that
are already looking for the same kind of
thing so you have a much higher chance
of success what are some of the problems
that you've seen also over time now
thank God you're you're married now
right alhamdulillah okay so now that you
have gone through all of these
challenges what are some of the other
things that you've seen have you seen
night because we know the dean is
complete this way of life from the
Creator is very straightforward the prop
peace be upon him he said oh young
people if you can afford go ahead and
get married yes right and he also
instructed the parents a good honest and
righteous person of sound character his
Dean is intact comes to marry your
daughter marry him otherwise there'll be
great corruption fitting on the land
right absolutely so now we have clear
instruction here did you see the
opposite happening from the parents yes
unfortunately I mean there there's a
whole variety of reasons for why I feel
young people today find it difficult to
get married I mean alhamdulillah I've
been in this this work serving the
community to try to get young people uh
connected for marriage and I've seen a
whole uh Suite of problems some problems
that are um you know fall on the side of
the parents some on the side of the
sisters and some on the brothers and
some society as a whole so you touched
upon something very important a lot of
times I have personally seeing while I'm
trying to help people get married is um
the brother and the sister are actually
mallah good for each other they're
compatiable uh maybe they're a little
bit young but you know both of them are
sincerely looking to please Allah and
and get married married for the right
reasons but sometimes it's the parents
that actually do more disservice to
their children than uh good and often
times they don't realize it and for
example if I may cite some examples
sometimes let's say a younger brother
who is still potentially a student but
has you know good potential he has a
bright future but he doesn't have much
money he's a good practicing Muslim he's
uh good character and everything and the
sister is interested in such a brother
but then the parents of the girl would
shoot him down because he's not a doctor
or a lawyer or he's not making enough
money um and
so uh similarly on the other side uh
sometimes let's say a brother is from
India a particular city in India and he
he his parents want him to marry a
specific girl from a specific cultural
background and so they lose out
opportunities for a good girl who who
may have been very good and compatible
for him so sometimes parents actually do
cause a lot of harm then then good I
like we're going to get more into this
we're going to take a break we going
take a break you take a break get some
uh juice some Kool-Aid whatever the case
and we right back take a refresher we
right back with more on this Hot Topic
talking about marriage with my brother
here Hassan right back on the dean show
I want you to imagine you wake up and in
front of you are a bunch of guys running
around kicking a ball no goals no lines
no rules what would you think
but is that your life surely every sport
has its goal every game has its end it
has its objective it has its rules how
about life how about our life isn't
there a goal to life isn't there a
purpose an objective that we have to
reach we think so the Quran tells us
that we exist in order to worship God
and worshiping God means knowing god as
the Quran says
worship though is not some narrow
small thing it's wide it's vast it
encompasses everything that the human
being does everything that you do
everything that you think everything
that you feel can be done thought said
felt in a way that is either pleasing or
displeasing to God the purpose of life
is to try and do everything in a way
that God loves and God is pleased with
that is your
goal back here on the dean show and we
went from many people went from like we
talked about in the beginning obsessed
with being having a boyfriend now they
realize the purpose of life completing
half your Dean is in marriage now you
have this institution of marriage you
protect the lineage of your children
protect yourself from diseases and all
the other things now the evil outcome
that comes with fornication and doing it
the wrong way but doing it the right way
Allah's way the Creator's way you got so
many blessings right alhamdulillah and
now there's some obstacles you've went
through a lot in getting married you
went through all the matrimonial side
would have benefits from your experience
we we were talking about the the parents
now we know that parents obviously they
care about their gems you know their
children they don't want anybody uh
coming in who's going to you know um be
like a wolf coming in and sheep's
closing so it's obviously encouraged
that the parents are involved but
sometimes people overstep the grounds
right you have these high High um
demands you know 50,000 60,000 on the
Mah right the prophet peace be upon him
said the simplest marriage the best
marriage are the simplest on so now you
have parents sometimes okay the guy
comes he has good character good Dean
and now they want like 100,000 have you
seen some of this happening oh yes
absolutely I mean uh it's actually very
prevalent in our society where um the
parents would demand such outrageous Ms
that are just not doable for the for the
guy and then one two things happen
either the guy just says okay I will do
it just to marry the girl and he has
absolutely no intention of paying the
Mahar which is actually very wrong
because it's an obligation upon you uh
or sometimes the brother sincerely wants
to pay but he's just unable to and so
therefore he misses out on a good girl
and the girl misses out on a good guy um
another problem that I've seen is that
sometimes kids actually do want to uh
give that respect to their parents to
say you know you are my guardian you
have the right to choose for me
but the parents kind of abuse that that
respect because the parents have a
certain image of what their children
should marry and sometimes that image is
diagonally opposite of what the child
wants and so the child is constantly
giving this respect to their parents of
bringing candidates and eventually
keeping on saying no because it the the
candidates that are being brought are
not matching what the person actually
wants so there's a lot of time wasted
and a lot of frustrations and and I
think the the only piece of advice I
could give to parents and children is
first of all children should continue to
give that respect to their parents you
know Allah has given that right to the
parents to help you choose your spouse
these are adults now they're not even
children right right right adults and uh
at the same time parents don't go
overboard in imposing what on what you
want uh but to you know have that honest
conversation with your children and
really find out what do they like and
what are their interests and hobbies and
what what do they see as a you know an
ideal spouse for their marriage let's go
into some other let's bring things we
want to bring things down to reality I
mean we're fible human beings we make
mistakes sometimes we need the reminder
and reminder benefits the Believers so
now you have also a growing trend of
women that now they want to finish
school or also men who want to finish
school and now the women end up you know
neglecting the Avenue of marriage and
they end up getting a degree right but
they end up passing up that marriage
it's kind of like the you missed the
boat and now you're maybe what like in
the late 203s right and now what happens
next yeah this is another very uh
serious problem actually a lot of women
um rightfully so you know they want to
get an education they want to uh get a
career and there's absolutely nothing
wrong with that but unfortunately
sometimes they put so much weight on
getting a career and education that they
naturally get a little bit older and
unfortunately in our community sometimes
uh you know brothers are looking for a
specific age category maybe they want to
have a lot of kids and so they want to
marry a sister who's much younger but
then by the time that sister finishes
her education she's perhaps a little bit
past her Prime and so now all of a
sudden Mah she might be a good-look
sister she might have good education
good family and everything but all of a
sudden from the brother's perspective
she's not as much of high demand anymore
and so unfortunately those sisters now
find it much much harder to get married
when if they had gotten married a little
bit earlier maybe before finishing their
education got married to a good guy and
then studied together even or continued
to study after she got married it would
have been a much better outcome of the
situation so this is a reality I mean
some some you think some women might get
offended by that I I I hope not because
my intention is not
to but I want to but it's better us to
tell them absolutely cuz this is what's
on this is really a reality what's
what's going on exactly I I would love
for people to at least keep it in mind
to know what what the situation is
instead of being in denial exactly and
wouldn't it be better now what what
what's the substitute can she continue
School get married and have a partner
who helps facilitate this absolutely yes
I I mean um I have seen so many young
brothers and sisters who who come to
their parents and say you know we want
to save ourselves from Haram and uh we
would like to get married early just as
you said the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam encouraged people to get
married early so that they protect
themselves from all the evils of society
and so when a brother and sister who may
both be students get married there's
absolutely nothing wrong in them
continuing to study in fact it's
beautiful they encourage each other and
inshallah many of them become very
successful in their careers and their
professions because they you know
motivated each other yes absolutely and
there's no such thing like people are so
so so scared of divorce now but then the
the door opens up and they end they end
up they feel like they end up doing the
promiscuous thing they end up maybe
dating right they say okay you know now
they go towards the Haram and they end
up dating it's better isn't it better
now to divor obviously this is
discourage in Islam you want to really
keep the family unit and do everything
you can not to separate but at the end
it's not de to us part right absolutely
not that's not Islamic thing there's a
mercy there and if they do split it's
better to actually divorce a 100 times
this is just one extreme example than to
do one one time Z is that right
absolutely I mean divorce is something
that's frowned upon by certain cultures
uh and looked upon as if it's a
forbidden thing but it's not it's it's
actually completely uh allowed and
sometimes it's not only just allowed
it's actually recommended because if two
people are so uh incorrect for each
other and they're just harming each
other they're hurting each other's
feelings on a non you know daily basis
there's no mercy there's no love in that
relationship yes our our Dean teaches us
to give it your best you know try every
stone unturn and and you know utilize
every means you have to reconcile but
even the best of the uh Companions of
the Prophet Sall alaihi wasallam
divorced and sometimes it's actually
necessary and and it it will inshallah
in most cases make the the brother and
sister's life better because maybe they
would uh you know later connect with
somebody who is better for them
inshallah and actually very honestly
that is the case with me I Subhan Allah
for uh reasons you know I had to take a
divorce after five years of marriage and
alhamdulillah I'm very happily married
now and inshallah the sister that you
know my ex um is happily married and you
know it's a beautiful thing whereas if
we forced ourselves to stay married it
may have been a much worse outcome so
alhamdulillah our Dean is very merciful
it it creates avenues for Alternatives
that don't force you to be in an unhappy
miserable situation when we come back
we're going take a break we're going to
talk about you know the men shopping a
lot right okay this is another problem
they keep shopping shopping like window
shopping yes and then you have uh
procrastination cold feet a lot of
brothers they're not man enough to step
up and take care of their
responsibilities this true so talking
about all this and more here on the dean
show don't go
anywhere this is
my he started having his problems up
fight one night policeman called me
you father come on get him from the
station he
locked one fight here another fight
there his physical being was great for
his ego but it left him I'm running here
running
there on the outside people looking in
said hey this is the man everybody knew
Eddie at any given moment he could have
seven to eight women that are running
around the club looking for him
he did things that he uh he pushed
himself to the ethical extremes that he
could I have to get out of this
totally right near the end there there
was just a void it was a constant
struggle his inner soul was broken at
that moment there was that emptiness in
his eyes it was a bigger emptiness that
I think I've ever really seen in his
eyes da I see heaven
it was Dr Jackal mhy and he was
struggling with that but the effort was
there there was a conscious effort to
make that switch people actually started
talking behind his back look at him he's
starting to be a good
guy this was
[Music]
theity he wanted to start a show on
Islam and spread it to the non-muslims
people didn't know who I was why are we
doing
take you serious you're living a dream
people had to be out there and trying to
convince people to be on the
show that first episode of that uh show
aired I think that's when you saw the
full formation com to to hope this guy's
changed what's going on here he's a
machine you know to see someone change
to see their character change to changes
in their life it's a sign of
[Music]
God back here on the dean show before we
left we talked about there's no death
until death to us part in Islam one of
the mercies is that now that if it's
better to actually and this was just
going to the extreme divorce a hundred
or a thousand times and do it come in
peace leave in peace rather than
committing one act of Zena right
fornication adult tree is that correct
so we we we we we concur with that and
we talk about window shopping what do we
mean so one of the problems I have seen
with especially younger brothers uh who
are who are potentially looking to get
married but they're in in their own
minds they're probably not as serious as
they should be and what I mean by that
is sometimes um Brothers will come
across you know sisters who are looking
to get married and they would get to
know them a little bit and they like
certain things about the sister but not
everything is perfect which nobody is
perfect and so they you know kind of let
that sister go and then they meet
another sister and they keep doing this
over and over and over again to the
point where they have this very
unrealistic image of the kind of girl
they want to marry which consists of all
the good qualities that they've seen
across the you know 50 girls that they
met and now in their mind they have an
image that is just not practical and and
also at the same time they might
actually bump into a sister who is good
in most of the aspects but they feel
that little bit of fear what if I say
yes to this sister and then tomorrow a
better sister comes along when in
reality you know the and what my
teachers have taught me is that Subhan
Allah the only way the right person will
come along is when you make sincere Dua
to Allah subh tala and you say Ya Allah
I don't know what is good for me only
you know what's best for me so you bring
the right person to me that will be
beneficial for me in the Dunya and in
the Hereafter and and that's that's the
right way of doing it the other thing is
um you know young brothers who maybe
just finished their education they have
a good job they have a nice car they
have that lifestyle of independent you
know they can stay up till 3: in the
morning and watch movies with their
friends and of course once you get
married you you have to be more
responsible you have to give time to
your spouse you can't just accept
invitations whenever you feel like it
you know there there's certain uh I
wouldn't call it difficulties but
certain adjustments you have to make as
a married person and and uh Brothers
sometimes who are ready to get married
for all practical purposes shy away from
getting married because they don't want
to lose that Independence but in the
process they end up doing a lot of Haram
which like we mentioned you know is much
much worse than doing it the right way
yes so my advice humble advice to
Brothers younger brothers who have a job
who have the right means to get married
as our Prophet Sall alaihi wasallam said
get married early save yourself from
Haram and you know stop window shopping
but make Dua to Allah subh T to send the
right person to you a woman is married
the prophet PE said a person married for
four things her lineage yes what what
what else are the other four lineage her
lineage her wealth and her beauty yes
marry the one for her Dean you will be
successful right so Dean is number one
character good character and obviously
there has to be some kind of attraction
between the two right absolutely yes but
now you keep looking for a number you
know you went beyond 10 you want 11
right men and women you just you've been
a little bit too picky right ex exactly
yeah so now uh this is one thing another
thing is you got the real experience
brother just was talking to a sister on
one of these matrimonial sites and they
were talking for some time and then
finally it was getting down to the nitty
and gritty and she had all these demands
on him right and he was talking about
you know you want to pick out the
engagement rings he talking about the
wedding you know big Bollywood Hollywood
style weddings do you see this is a
problem too yes um again you know some
some sister well most sisters have this
this dream image of what their wedding
should be like it's the one event that
will only happen once in their lifetime
and you know from an early age they plan
it out and uh you know the prophet
sallallah Ali wasallam his advice was
that the the best marriage and the
marriage with the most amount of
blessings is the one that's very simple
simple yeah and so the and and one of my
teachers says it beautifully he says you
know the husband and wife who are
looking to get married sometimes they
spend so much time and effort trying to
make the wedding perfect not realizing
that they themselves are not perfect and
not realizing that they're harming their
perfect marriage in trying to create the
perfect wedding yeah and uh so you know
this is this happens a lot where the
sister sometimes also is doing it out of
pure pressure maybe her friends or her
cousins had this amazing wedding and now
she wants to outdo that wedding yeah and
so in trying to plan this special
wedding that's a lavish wedding um she
she's causing undue pressure pressure on
the poor brother who who might be
sincerely trying to make it all happen
but at the same time uh she she might
actually lose him you know where where
he just gives up and he says I can't I
can't do this this is beyond my means so
and often times what's worse even is
that they start the foundation of their
marriage on debt now they spent $50,000
there in the hole exactly where they
could have started a Beautiful Beginning
by Humble means so you know again my sis
my advice to brothers and sisters is you
know do what's reasonable but don't go
above your means where you cause more
harm to your marriage than good keep it
as the last and final messenger said
keep it simple we don't need to get into
debt right right before we even start
and then at the same time you see a lot
of weddings where you see one family
trying to outdo the other family and
then it's a shame you got in a lot of
these families you have you know the the
dancing you have the the the you know
the rock bands hip-hop bands whatever
the case alcohol and all these other
things far away from this is what advice
do you have for this now this is you
know a lot of times people the the
brother and sister getting married they
want themselves to do this sort of
activity insh Allah give us guidance uh
but sometimes brothers and sisters fall
into family pressure their family wants
to do it family and and the thing is you
know uh my advice again is to be firm
and steadfast and really with polite
beautiful words explain to your family
that I want Baraka and blessings in my
marriage for the next 50 years of my
life not just to please you for that one
night and destroy my marriage yeah and
so you know uh just with polite
beautiful words approach your family and
say this is something that's not allowed
or not uh encouraged in our religion and
I want for myself and for my husband or
vice versa to have blessings in my
marriage and so I would rather keep it
simple yeah yeah yeah start off right
you end right right ex you got half
naked wedding you know you got doing it
the wrong way is going to end up uh
taking a wrong course and it's going to
be something that you are going to have
to deal with and suff for the
consequences and it's going to be erect
from the Baraka exactly so we want
Baraka and hopefully we got uh so many
people excited about marriage now we've
seen some of the realities that are
going out there people can relate with
it so we bring it back to the real world
so give us an Avenue now that people can
go you're going to start this new
website talk about it yes so the website
that I'm just about to launch actually
just launched today it's called maadam
matrimony.com and one of the unique
things about it is that it's going to be
the first website that's supervised by a
board ofma by a board of Scholars who
will you know scrutinize it to make sure
everything is halal everything is legit
and clean there's no chances of uh
inappropriate activity and also the the
biggest source of advertisement for the
website will be and Scholars so that the
kind of members we will get will be high
quality good practicing Muslims who are
looking for the same and so inshallah
that way we minimize the frustration of
people coming from a wide variety of
backgrounds who don't really match with
each other and uh you end up wasting a
lot of time because you really are not
looking for the same thing and uh you
know I in in contrast with that I I
would also you know bring some of the
experiences that I've had and some of
the expertise as a as a programmer and
somebody who's actually my expertise is
in security and privacy and so I will
inshallah um do my best to make sure
that people have a very safe and secure
and wonderful experience in looking for
their uh potential spouse while doing it
in a way that's pleasing to Allah
alhamdulillah thank you very much may
the creator of the heavens and earth
reward you ende same to you a thank you
take care salum Salam peace be with you
and we covered a lot of ground in a
short amount of time and hopefully we
stimulated you to run towards marriage
we talked about women making those High
demands put a lot of pressure on the
brother brothers just window shopping
having cold feet step up you know it
wasn't hard you to go try to get a
girlfriend you're motivated about that
and you asked made all sorts of phone
calls you had a black book now you threw
it away now be manad enough to step up
and go talk to the W go talk to the
woman that you need to marry through the
proper channels the woman now Khadijah
look she wanted to marry the prophet she
stepped up also it's not just a one-way
streak if you see a brother now that
maybe you want to marry go ahead through
the right channels make a connection
there but the thing is like we said we
fight to keep the family together when
it is finally an institution of marriage
and we don't want it to break but the
point we were making is better now that
you run towards marriage and you might
mess up along the way but you messed up
in a Halal way you didn't do it in the
wrong way through Zena through
fornication through adultery so let's do
things the way that'll been but into our
lives Simplicity we have these
extravagant style weddings that we
talked about keep it simple the prophet
peace be upon them said that the best of
marriages are the simple ones and how do
you know someone loves you is right for
you that person brings you closer to
Allah that person brings you closer to
your maker so hopefully you've gotten
the benefit from being with us here on
the dean show and continue to tune in
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show and we'll see you next time until
then peace be with you