this is the
[Music]
the
thean is the peace be unto you welcome
to the dean show in the studio Dr hatim
and we're going to be giving some advice
how to make sure your children don't go
astray what do you do when you have so
much influence trying to influence them
to doing bad but they should be doing
good how do you keep them doing doing
good because the Creator he gave them to
you in original goodness not an original
sin every child is born pure how do you
keep them pure and that's what we're
going to be answering here on the dean
show with our guest when we come back
stay
tuned
I don't know why I did that maybe maybe
it's just to break the iceam
Alum be with you thank you for joining
us here on the Deans show thank you for
inviting me that is the question now
people can go to the Deans show.com and
they can read a little bit more about
you your medical doctor PhD you've spent
so many years years studying the way of
life that was revealed to all the
messengers of God including the last and
final messenger of the Prophet Muhammad
peace be upon him and all the messengers
that preceded him Jesus Moses Noah
Abraham just the name a few Islam so now
we want to know
the million dooll question is how do you
keep the children from going astray you
see them joining gangs you see them
being promiscuous you see them doing all
sorts of Mischief out there emulating
the hip-hop
stars the actors and
actresses what do we do how do we
Safeguard them from following evil path
and keep them on a righteous path let's
start with this
please uh you were right about say then
this is the one million dollar question
because it's it's such a big question
and the answer uh if we if we try to
brief I think the answer will have to be
uh rely on Allah rely on God uh because
he's he's the one who can help you uh no
one else can help you even you cannot
help yourself if Allah does not help you
uh start early is is the other advice
that is that's very crucial here uh and
uh I would say that it it does not start
from the day the child is born it starts
from the uh day you you you choose your
your partner who will be the mother or
the father of that child uh so I think
starting early is important I think that
you need to have a vision for this unit
which is called the family that is you
know one of the building blocks of the
Muslim Society the family so when you
start this
corporation uh you you want to have a
vision for this Corporation and the
corporation also should have a mission
and the mission should be in agreement
with the mission of the society the
mission of the umah because it is one
piece one unit in that in the in the
whole uh
building uh so I think that you have to
be clear on what is it that you want of
this life uh we're getting married we
have to agree that this marriage is to
help both of us uh serve our mission in
this life which is to worship Allah and
to be in Conformity with uh the way of
Allah and the um collectively by the way
has a mission not only to worship Allah
and be in Conformity with the way of
Allah but the um collectively has a
mission to change the world to be in in
Conformity with the way of Allah uh out
of out of Mercy out of keenness to to to
to uh to deliver this good to everyone
because every human being is deserving
of this good every human being is
deserving of being connected with the
Lord who created them they will never
find happiness otherwise so when you
reach out and you do this you're
actually being quite merciful and you're
being quite kind to to all Humanity so
you have to have a vision when you start
a family uh and you have to have the
knowledge of how to have a family and
how to uh be a good husband and how to
be a good parent mother or father uh and
what is the what what are the Islamic
principles of raising a child or even an
adult uh that are based on uh for
instance
moderation uh because sometimes people
have uh extreme
expectations uh so unless your your
vision is based on or your principles of
raising the child uh are based on
moderation based on the centricity of
which which should have come first the
centricity of uh uh our relationship
with God you know as human beings Islam
provides us a holistic uh therapy for
our hearts our minds our souls for
everything and all of this is dependent
on our relationship with Allah uh that
is the most important relationship that
we have to correct we have to rectify so
that we can uh be together our mind and
heart and and spirit all of them can be
uh aligned together and aligned with the
will of the Allah subhana tala the
Divine Creator
and then you will have to understand
also the reality the the reality that
you're dealing with you have to
understand the what is it that you're
aspiring to and you have to understand
the child the reality of uh the child
the child himself and the circumstances
that surround the child uh the child
himself goes through stages you have to
really have some knowledge of the
various stages and how to tackle each
stage for the for instance for the first
one or two years of life uh this is a
stage of building trust trust versus
mistrust the child is building trust
with the parents absolutely the child
wants you know the child wants to know
if the caretaker you know the the the
main caretaker is actually a good
caretaker or not and if the caretaker is
a good caretaker the child will start to
develop trust this is the Psy
psychology of the child absolutely you
know so if the child is is crying
because they're hungry or because you
know because of some other legitimate
reason and you do
not respond to this uh the child will
start to develop
mistrust what about not not not to uh
you know because in this program we're
going to just hit some you've also you
you run an Islamic Academy and You'
written some books so in this show we
want to just give some highlights and
then really get people cuz we can talk
this is a this we can talk about this
for days now this is interesting point
because every um parent knows how the
child will react they'll from those
years they'll throw Tantrums they'll be
crying so what do you do do you just
ignore this or some will also turn to
the timeout method is this good or what
do you do when they're when they're
crying like this and you'll tell them no
and they'll just start breaking down for
you know just for you maybe amplifying
your voice a little bit so do you tone
it down what do you do in these
situations when you have to discipline
them because they're reaching for
something that might hurt them they
might do something that caus them harm
how do you handle these situations well
it depends on the age of the child you
know early on if the child is a little
infant you want to make sure that the
child is not hungry the child is not uh
cold the child is not you know wet or
dirty so that's one year another yeah
and then yeah and then thereafter when
the child is throwing Tantrums you want
to make sure that the child is not in
pain because you know the child could be
simply in pain okay and this is how they
express their pain if the child for
instance has an ear infection yeah and
they they have pain they'll be fussy you
know well if they are fussy you want to
really not always blame it on
misbehavior but maybe there is there is
a cause behind checking for pain how how
do you check if you're not a do you got
to get them to the doctor right away if
they what are the symptoms you're a
doctor also you're pediatrician uh well
if there is there if there are
manifestations of being sick you know a
little bit of fever decreased
appetite uh you know ftiness is one of
it but you'll also have some other
issues some someone may be pulling on
the ears someone may be having cold
symptoms they'll be pulling on their ear
yeah tugging pulling yeah so there will
be some hinter indication but if it is
uh basically misbehavior then you want
to also not counter this by misbehavior
here uh from your end okay okay let's
hold on there you saw the tugging on the
ear you could do some tugging on the ear
and listen to this cuz we get some good
advice from the sh we'll be right back
on the dean
Show born about 60 years ago in former
Yugoslavia today's Bosnia after second
world war can you imagine today you have
one child help too much it's important
that we realize that Islam is a gift so
we believe that in the teachings of
Jesus what is left there is truth in
there but the truth has been mixed up
with paganism and with nature worship
and so Islam has given you a pure
straightforward way of approaching
monotheism
from back here with Dr hatim Sheik we're
talking about and you're also a
pediatrician you're also an MD you're a
doctor you what you specialize in we're
not talking to a car mechanic so now
okay so we got past okay the the first
few years or the first what is it until
about two or one and a half where you
want to make sure they're fed take care
of them show them mercy and always
showing them Mercy obviously but now
those years what do they call them the
terrible twos have you heard that before
the terrible twos three where some
parents are going out of their mind the
kids are jumping biting you know
screaming jumping on here there
everywhere and they can hurt themselves
throwing Tantrums crying how do you deal
with this well oh and before we went on
on break you said don't uh so I I can
remind you said don't uh counter it with
uh bad behavior yourself yeah because if
you if you start to curse and if you
start to uh you know to to to beat the
child for instance for for some of those
reasons I think that this is a
misbehavior don't do that on your part
certainly this is a 2-year-old this is a
threeyear old now you need to try to to
figure out what's happening and even if
there is misbehavior on the part of the
child uh you have to understand that
particularly now we're talking about you
know 2 3 4 5 6 7 uh this this this stage
in the child's life is is a very crucial
stage very important stage from various
aspects uh this is the stage of autonomy
the stage of initiative uh the child
wants to be autonomous the child wants
to sit uh his or her limits uh so we he
will push to see you know his limits his
his impact on the world his the child is
his influence absolutely see how how
much he can push you how far absolutely
because we see this as parents this is
for real and and part of this stage is
to be egocentric and this is not
abnormal for this stage so you to be
selfish to not share toys and to do all
of this that's just part of the stage
because in this stage they want to test
their limits they want to see how far
they can go how much control they have
over the the world around them Shake
just a side note because you said now
they're selfish they're trying to you
know not share this that and the other
some people might argue that this is
because of that original sin that's how
it's in their nature just to go on a
side note how would we answer this
because I've gotten this argument for
people what do you what do we have to
say about this well uh for the not yet
Muslims who are listening yeah well uh
would would would it make sense to say
that uh I heard this from she Yu and I
liked it very much he was saying that it
wouldn't make any sense to say to a
judge my you know uh my client is as
guilty as a newborn child it's you know
it it is natural for a human being to
think of a newborn child as innocent yes
yes uh yet uh God would not actually
make us accountable for a sin that we
we've never witnessed we were're not
part of uh by any means so this is not
fairness or Justice
however God created the human being with
various inclinations and some of those
inclinations are good inclinations and
some of those inclinations are bad
inclinations now he did not force any
bad inclinations on us but within our
makeup there is the good inclination and
there is the bad
inclination we've shown him the two ways
uh and part of our makeup also is that
you can go right and you can go left
well the child uh is is not necessarily
trying to be Wicked or evil but is
trying to see how much control he has
How would how else would he know how
much control he has uh you know when
when you start a new job don't people
tell you usually you know this is you
can do this you cannot do that yeah and
well he is here in this world and he's
seen a lot of people around him and he's
interacting uh with them and he wants to
know you know this is Father this is
Mother those are my siblings those are
people who come every once in a while to
our home you know everybody has seems to
have there are certain Dynamics here and
everybody seems to have different
roles where is my role what's my role
and what are my limits so he wants to
test them uh so that is when you set
limits because you will not allow the
child to hurt himself or hurt others you
got to set limits absolutely got to be
some disciplining cuz you're not going
to allow the child to be a tyrant to
grow up a tyrant and sometimes people
can do this by spoiling the child by
making them keep in mind that the
children have a you know one of the
interesting phenomena in in this
particular age group is a phenomenon
called uh animism and another one called
artificialism artificialism is when you
feel everything is artificial everything
is manmade and animism is when you feel
that even the inanimate objects you know
the table can talk to you and can be
under your control and the clouds and
the buildings and so on and so forth so
those two different phenomena are part
of the uh PS psychological growing of of
the child so he he feels that he can be
in control of everything uh and that is
not bad if you use it well if you use it
well if you give him room uh to take the
to take an you know initiative if if you
give him room to show his
leadership but to set limits so that he
knows that he's not here alone and he
knows that yes you can far as far you
can go as far as you want uh but without
compromising other people's rights there
are people who live with you also in
this universe and you do not want to
overstep the limit between you and them
so if you do this carefully but you give
the child enough room to breathe enough
room to feel uh
that they have a separate identity there
is some level of autonomy give them a
chance to to choose you know their
attire uh sometimes they they may have
like a very bad choice and then you you
give us a practic how do you how do you
do that so are we talk so the parents
can get a better uh idea what age are we
at now between uh we're we're now we're
from two onward two onward to so so
you're talking to them and and you would
give us a practical example say you know
would you like to wear today and you you
can do that well if absolutely what you
know even with food you ask everybody
would you like to eat some more of that
even as the child you what absolutely
you want to be doing this you want to
make them feel that uh you do not
control everything there is not absolute
dictatorship here but there are limits
I'm still a parent don't lose that you
know uh control so so even if if they
don't understand you they'll catch on
they'll absolutely catch on and they
will they they will know where their
limits are and they will know that yes
you may have the final world the final
word about things but that's just the
nature of life not only between the
parent and the child but even in the
society there has got to be some
hierarchy you know after all someone
will have to make the decision the
president in the country or the chairman
of a department or you know the CEO of a
company there is a hierarchy someone
will have to make the decision so are
you always goooo Gaga are you talking to
like an
adult uh you probably do you probably
don't want to be talking to them like uh
like a child because they want to feel
respect you know they want to feel
respect the tone may be a little bit
different maybe a little more kind and
merciful uh but you you do not want to
uh have like a speech for adults and
speech for children you want to speak to
them like adult with a different tone
but certainly you'll understand the
limitations of their logic because you
know between 2 to 7 they may not be uh
operational yet you know in terms of
their thinking and it it may take them
up to 10 or 11 years to have abstract
operational uh thinking what do you
think about timeouts you heard about the
timeout method when the child is now you
know going up in the cupboards breaking
the glass that they can cut themselves
what do you do some parent just let oh
let them give them room just go or sit
them down time out have you heard of
this method is Time Out is Time Out is a
a legitimate method because
uh as much as you can avoid uh physical
punishment everything that can make you
avoid physical punishment would be a
good idea in fact the first thing that
you need to do is to actually show them
what is right because often times you
get upset with them uh before showing
them you know what is right uh we get a
when they do the something wrong well
when when the prophet wasall was sitting
with
Sal uh and he was you know his hand was
going all over the the dish and the
prophet peace be upon him said to him oh
young boy
say eat with your right
hand and eat from the other side that's
next to you so he did not reprimand him
he did not tell him this is wrong this
is called positive reinforcement versus
negative reinforcement before you tell
him what what what are you doing what's
this mess tell him what is right he said
to him which is you know endearing word
you know oh young
boy eat with your right hand and eat
from the side that's next to you teach
them what's right first try to enforce
and reinforce good habits before you do
the negative reinforcement teach them
what's right enforce the good habits
before you go ahead and reprimand we're
going to take a break and we'll be right
back here on the dean show I am
stand I am not afraid to stand alone if
Li by I am not afraid to stand
alone I am not afraid to stand alone if
Li by I am not afraid to stand
alone I am not afraid to stand alone if
Li I am not afraid to stand
[Music]
comes to you the truth and the attribute
of the one who created you that he's one
and alone running this universe that he
doesn't become born he doesn't die he
doesn't eat then go to the bathroom this
is not God you got problems here this
doesn't make sense who was Jesus
worshiping because it's recorded in the
gospels despite all of the other issues
about the gospels we put those aside we
just it's mentioned there that Jesus
worshiped
God we're back here with Dr hatim and we
are trying to answer the million-dollar
question how do you make sure your kids
don't go straight and we're starting off
from the beginning because once the Ship
Sails bye-bye is very difficult isn't it
so we're giving the audience some advice
from early young age how to deal with
with the children okay so we talked
about the timeout method you gave an
example from the Sunnah of the last and
final message prophet Muhammed peace be
upon him tell us now give us some more
practical let's paint a picture you know
the child is doing something bad and
then how would you go about talking to
him and correcting him and if you do a
timeout how long do you do it for a
minute 2 minutes and give us some some
examples please uh first of all you have
to ask yourself did I teach him to do it
right and if I taught him to do it right
uh did I remind him enough uh because a
child that is 2 years old may not
remember that I told him last month uh
don't do this or don't do that you you
need to really repeat it several times
and then thereafter you you want to be
trying to deter the child of the child
that has been taught and several times
you try to deter the child this is the
stage of negative reinforcement or
various mod modalities of punishment and
it it starts with some uh emotional
punishment very very basically to turn
your face away uh meaning that you're
upset and whenever something can be
corrected by just simple measures you
know big measures or enormous measures
are to be avoided to be completely
that's just what logic dictates and
that's the way of the prophet sallallah
and teaching us all things so start with
simple measures and then try to
escalate uh withdrawal of privileges
also would be a good idea to withdraw
privileges would be a good idea maybe
that is not understood timeout is
actually withdrawal a privilege the
privilege of being able to go anywhere
is restricted uh later on you know for
for an older child to withdraw some
other privilege is something that he
cares about and he say no you're not
going to do this take it away uh because
take it away because because you have
done this that's negative reinforcement
and negative reinforcement continues
also uh to escal to escalate based on
the the the what we call in
Arabic Al is the crime and The Germ is
the uh the size of the child you know
because you have to understand or the
the a the the age of the child and the
size uh so often times you have to
identify the size of the crime you know
because if you if you if you punish the
child for uh spending milk on the carpet
for instance well does that need
punishment unless there has been
something something intentional about it
uh no there should be no punishment
whatsoever that would be T taking
Revenge that is not disciplining here
because you're you're so hurt by you
know expensive carpet is now this or
that uh so you're they're taking Revenge
for yourself you're not disciplining
your child and it is it certainly
it's very unbefitting of any Muslim to
do this to take revenge against a child
uh be because of something that is not
really a sin it's just a mistake so you
have to look at the what they did and
you have to put it in the right
perspective so abandoning their prayers
may be worse than much of what they do
uh but but many parents look at it from
their own perspective their own interest
uh not from the interest of the child
and the well-being of the child
spiritual and emotional and every from
and from every aspect so you want to
look at the crime and you want to look
at the age of the child time out if
you're three uh years old maybe 3
minutes will be okay uh and and then you
you add a minute for for every year
because their attention span is limited
we're going to direct people I heard you
wrote a paper on this or a book where
can people go
and we want to do a part two to this you
think you
can I would be glad to do that God
willing God willing so tell us now where
can people go to increase their
knowledge on this topic and in Islam in
general tell us in this last minute that
we have uh well they can go to my
website and that's Dr haam al.com D RH a
TM
al.com and the there will be several
articles on this uh they can go also to
amja online uh in fact they're better
off going to am online because they'll
find some other articles by other uh
good uh Scholars uh it's amja amja
online.org
um and then they they can continue their
education I think that every Muslim
needs to continue uh or her education
not only to to tackle a particular
problem but just to get the big picture
because it is important that you you're
not using Islam to tackle a particular
problem and then you forget about Islam
once it's done or you know no you want
to really accept the religion and
entirety uh and don't be afraid to to to
do that don't be afraid to surrender and
to accept it so I think that uh getting
to know more will bring you closer to
Allah more recognition will mean always
more love of Allah tala because the more
you recognize his greatness his wisdom
his kindness his Mercy
the more you will love him so don't be
afraid uh of knowledge and they can also
go to where is this place that they can
go for continuing education Islam well
I'm I'm the dean of sharia Academy go go
to www. Sharia academy.com okay thank
you very much may God Almighty Allah
reward you thank you we look forward to
having you back here again on the dean
show and thank you for tuning in to
another episode of the dean show what
you have you got to believe and do do
good deeds and when you die what do you
leave behind if you leave behind a
righteous child that you're going to
still keep them Deeds coming in you're
still going to be getting rewarded for
that but if your child goes astray there
goes your investment so you got to put
in the time put into time now so you can
benefit later and we are here trying to
help you develop that better
understanding through doing it God's way
doing it Allah's way sticking to the
game plan that game plan is Islam
sticking by the Quran the verbatim word
of God and the authentic tradition
sayings actions of the last and final
messenger of the prophet Muhammed peace
be upon him his Hadi so continue to come
back here every week to the dean show
we'll have more exciting shows on this
topic and others and we'll see you next
time peace be unto
[Music]
you
[Music]
he created the
universe to him belong the heavens and
the
Earth the ever living He is the
first he's the owner of
[Music]
Mercy he sent his
Messengers to war his
creatures of the Grave Danger
a worship in
other than
Allah there is none
greater than the
[Music]
Creator