do you wna know what makes knowled grow
then everybody watch Dean show the
dean alhamdulillah peace be unto you
thank you for tuning in to another
episode of the dean show from time to
time we sometimes we answer some of your
questions we have so many important
issues that we're dealing with here on
the dean show and we encourage you to
come back here every week and if you
don't catch us on the TV you can go to
theen show.com where all of our shows
are there now when we come back we're
going to be answering a question from a
sister she got out of the relationship
one that she shouldn't have been in but
she learned from it and now she's trying
to cope because she's having some effect
some negative effects that have come up
from this and she wants some advice so
we got an expert on The Dean show to
give us some of that advice we're going
to be reading out her question when we
come back and helping everyone benefit
from the answers sit tight we'll be
right back this is the
[Music]
the this is
the this is the this is
the is
the this is
the this is the is
the this is
the this is the show the this is the
this is
the this is
the
theum peace be with
you alhamdulillah praises to the crat of
the heavens and earth uh last time I saw
you I think it was in India or no I even
saw you I think after that in Canada but
before that India now you're back in
Chicago on The Dean show yes I am and
it's good to see you Edie it's good to
see you too thank you once again thank
you thank you for having me so now tell
us a little about yourself most of the
people the Muslims they know who you are
and can you I just for our not yet
Muslim audience and those who you know
the first time getting a chance to tune
in and and and see you here tell us a
little about yourself shik well you know
you refer to me as the Sheikh Sheik is
um is a title that's not like milkshake
or nothing is
it yeah as you know that there is no
concept of clergymen in Islam there
isn't there is not okay and this idea is
supposed to be very liberating nobody
comes between you and your creator okay
you do not need an operator it's a
direct call so Islam rejects the whole
notion of clergyman so a she IM is a
title that is given to person like
myself um when the community feels that
you're worthy of it and it's just a
title out of respect that this person
knows a little about the Theology of the
religion and we can ask him questions so
the title is really just to indicate
um to indicate that you got a lot of
moneyz some shake can also be a tribute
to the guy who's got a big bank roll
like a like a prince or someone like
that is that also yes well Sheik can
either refer to a religious scholar an
elderly person a head of a group
specifically a tribe or sometimes in
some places like in the Middle East it
is you know heads of a Nation or people
who belong to big families who are you
know leading a nation they also be
called um sh so anyways so there are two
ways to become um a sh and I went to
school I got my degree in Islamic
Studies and then I got my degree in
Psychotherapy yeah and now I'm
practicing Psychotherapy so Mah so time
is short we're going to from time to
time we answer some of the viewers
questions okay so we have a question
here from a sister so I'm going to go
ahead and read it and then we can
diagnose it and hopefully inshallah you
can go ahead we can give the the answer
to this question the sister is saying
that I have been in a very long
relationship with a boy and we have
broken up alhamdulillah all thanks is to
God I've learned from my mistakes and
understood why girlfriend/boyfriend are
and in Arabic she used the word haram
which obviously means prohibited in
Islam my question is to you how do I
move on although I know everything
happens in the will of God it is hard
for me to put this
past it is hard for me to put this in
the past and move on I put my trust in
God but it seems as though it is always
on my mind every
second I think about this boy and the
relationship that we had I really am
trying to work on being a better Muslim
but I don't know the steps to take to
move on I'm sure many other girls are
going through the same thing similar
situations so I would kindly appreciate
some advice to help out the other
sisters as well as myself Eddie let me
Begin by thanking you for creating such
a safe place where people can actually
send in their questions
and that is it just says a lot about
about the show when people trust us with
something as intimate and as personal as
this it means that we're doing something
right so I congratulate you thank you
thank you m and and I also appreciate
you know what the sister has done here
and that is look I've got an issue and
I'm reaching out for help somebody who
is acknowledging that we have made I
have made a mistake in the past but I'm
also acknowledging the fact that I am
still stuck in my past and I am unable
to uh to move on so I really appreciate
this um this letter let me just Begin by
where she um ended up by saying that she
recognizes that it's Haram so what
happens is that nowadays the whole idea
of um you know Islam teaches us that
there's got to be a distance between the
genders meaning that we keep we keep a
safe distance men and women keep a
distance and that distance is both
symbolic emotional as well as physical
if a man wants to be with a woman there
is nothing wrong with that all we ask
for is that you add an ethical component
to this potential relationship and that
ethical component to it is the idea that
we want to grow spiritually into this
and we're going to publicly acknowledge
and commit to one to one another but
that is what's happening nowadays is you
know this whole notion of people being
in love and you know what they say uh
people uh you know a man and a woman
they first see each other and then they
immediately fall what in Love no they
fall in bed before they fall in love so
this is this is what we see happening
they fall in bed before they fall in
love exactly so it's more of a lust now
exactly and and you know it's funny
because they say that men use love to
get sex and women use sex to get love
wow a woman thinks that if she has sex
with a guy that is going to cause him to
love her and if a guy tells a woman that
he loves her he knows that this is
what's going to get him the sex so it's
interestingly uh how our society has
really mixed the whole idea of sex and
love where it's almost if you have sex
it means that you are in love well if
that's the case then what do we call
rape if sex equals love then what's rape
too much love wow of course it's not
yeah so so Islam teaching us that you
know what keep a distance between the
opposite um between the genders and
again this distance is really for the
protection for the protection of of all
and nowadays what we see you know this
idea of the the relationships that
people have out there you know they say
that there is a relationship that we
call connection and that is you see a
person and you admire their physical
appearance and you fall in love not with
who the person is but rather what the
person is and that is their physical
appearance so we are connected to the
person due to their flesh or to their
flesh we can only speak about them in in
in physical terms I like that girl why
do you like her you know what she's got
this and she's got that so we can only
speak about the other person in physical
terms and that is terrible because we
only see their usefulness but not their
goodness and that's a terrible
relationship to be in and sometimes we
connect to people simply because of
their wealth or I like him because he
buys me stuff all the time I like him
because he pays for the dinners all the
time he fills my gas all the time but
that is the extent of it we cannot talk
to about the person beyond their
usefulness to us and that is really and
that is really terrible a healthy
relationship is a relationship where
both parties care for the development
for the well-being and for the growth
and the happiness of one another that is
a healthy relationship but it's not just
healthy because of this but most
important because it has that ethical
value in into it so when people when
people you know go out and into these
types of relationships and they break
with uh with one another um whether it
was an ethical relationship or not it
sounds like the sister has really given
a piece of her heart to this person and
she's heartbroken at this point because
he remains in her heart but he is out of
her life so how do we help that sister
and that's the crucial question we're
going to be answering this and more here
on the dean show sit tight don't go
nowhere I am not afid stand alone
I am not afraid to stand alone if Li by
I am not afraid to stand
alone I am not afraid to stand alone if
Li by I am not afraid to stand
alone I am not afraid to stand alone if
a li by I am not afraid to stand alone
I would go to my room lock the door
prostrate and cry saying God you know me
better than myself show me the right way
and I will not look back I will leave
everything
behind Allah is our creator and he
creates everything and it gives
intelligence to
people mam be
Muhammad is one of the last Messengers
from
[Music]
God back here on the dean show with SH
Yas for zaga please continue where you
left off sh right so like we said this
is a person that will most likely always
have a place in that sister's heart
sound like you know she committed to him
and she was there and she admired the
person loved the person and we don't
question that that um that part of it
and you know she's saying that you know
she admitted that
the relationship to begin with was not
really the best of relationships to get
um to get into so what we have now is
that this is what we would consider to
be a loss of a love she is asking how do
I survive a loss of a love she is going
what we call through the uh stages of
grief and basically when a loss takes
place we human beings we go through five
stages the first stage being shock and
denial oh my God it has not happened so
we're not we're not really we have not
realized that we have not accepted it so
a person would look numb during that
stage like staring all the time like I
can't believe it I just can't believe it
they may not even be able to cry because
they just the shock is just so amazing
well that may last for a long time short
time then the next stage is they get it
it really is no longer um there so there
is a lot of anger and resentment that
take takes place as as a result of the
acceptance of the of the loss and then
we go into depression and that is
recognizing that the anger has not done
us any good so we go into depression and
you know uh we've lost it it's not
coming back again it is reality at this
at this uh at this point and then after
that we try to make peace you know how
do I make peace with my past you know
where do I find meanings and then we go
into acceptance and being able to to um
to move on so again it's very human that
we go through these um stages to make
sure that we heal well now there is
really no science as to how long we stay
in each stage some people stay in one
stage longer than others we cruise
through some but um by means of
observation we will all go through these
um stages so to the to the sister I
would say do not rush yourself out of it
in a sense that do not have what we call
a flight to health go through the
natural um the natural ways of how we
human beings deal with um with our loss
accept the fact that this person will
always have a place in your heart and
when we say accept we're not we're not
branding it with approval but that is
just part of reality at this point to
talk to her about oh you should have
never been there will not really do any
good it's already it's already over but
we can address our sisters who have not
been in these types of relationships to
be careful about that but since she is
the one that asked the question I say
accept that fact so don't think that
when I forget about him that's when I am
healed no it is when you accept and you
come in peace um with the past that is
when a person is is healing so i' say
please do not rush yourself out of it
continue as she said you know I'm trying
to be a better Muslim as well and as
we're trying to squeeze you know bad
emotions from us the only way to squeeze
these bad emotions is by actually
instilling positive emotions in our life
so the more happiness we bring in you
know the more Misery we squeeze out of
us so that's what we want to do you know
do a lot of good to yourself so that the
negative feelings will start will start
going away tell us for you see this
problem happening a lot in today's
culture and Society where we know that
Islam encourages you to uh go ahead and
and marry if you need to you know uh you
have this desire to do it in a
constructive way with within the bounds
that the Creator is pleased with within
marriage now if if in a society where
it's just just normal and there's a lot
of peer pressure you have a lot of
people who are just dating and it's
natural it's it's something that you
know it's just normal how can the youth
or even just young adults or even adults
not fall into this trap y if you
remember Eddie in the very first time
that I came on your show we spoke about
the whole idea of the subjugation of the
passion I mean that is just one
beautiful teaching that Islam has for us
and that is recognize the challenge we
cannot and here is the sad reality we
cannot Escape it you know it's like porn
it's like um these are all it's just all
over the place it's right on your face
we cannot Escape it but we have the
choice to reject it so what we would say
is yes accept the fact that you cannot
Escape it but you don't have to be part
of it do not participate in it and that
is it's a great it's an overwhelming
pressure and that's why you know we say
to the parents please appreciate the
challenges that these young men and
women are going through I mean imagine
that you are in high school you are
popular you're good-looking you are
active you are known and sometimes you
may not be any of that but yet somebody
comes and they express interest in you
and there is that age when we want to be
acknowledged by the opposite gender a
woman want to be told by a man that
she's beautiful that she looks nice a
man wants to be told that he is you know
he has got her attention and that is
just it's it's music to our ears to know
that we've been acknowledged and noticed
by the opposite gender now the question
is you appreciate and that's just part
of the natural development and growth
that we go through as human beings but
as parents make sure that you always
have a healthy alternative if we do not
have happy homes where we are validated
by our parents where we are encouraged
by our parents and we are not we don't
know or at least it has not been
verbalized to us that we are loved by
our parents we will look for love
somewhere else so we would say at that
point it is a challenge not only to that
sister not only to that brother but it's
also a challenge to the entire family
what kind of Alternatives can we create
so that our children do not fold into it
now what about the the the individuals
who are like you said you know it's it's
music to the ear the woman she wants to
be told she's beautiful so she's putting
herself out there on Facebook on MySpace
and you know uh the the boy also he's on
the hunt and he just put another number
now he just got another uh uh you know
victim and the boy has bragging rights
the girl she's like you know trying to
get that status of being the the hottest
girl and it's a game it becomes like a
or just a game and you know many women
some of them you know uh they they we
want to give them the facts so they're
naive to a lot of this and they they
fall for these you know sweet nothings
and the boy who shouldn't be doing this
what advice do we have from them sh you
know here's the thing remember this if
how we feel about ourselves is going to
determine is going to be determined by
what other people say or think of us
then we are doomed mhm how we feel about
ourselves should not really come from
what other people tell us about about
ourselves now it may enhance how we
already feel about ourselves but to just
wait for validation from somebody else
then we are giving and surrendering a
lot of power to that person I will only
feel beautiful when he tells me I am
beautiful I will only feel important
when she says that I am that is a lot of
power people don't know how much power
we are giving away to other people when
we fall into that so it's all it really
comes back again to the subjugation of
the passion recognize that it's really
nice it is music to the ears but you
know what right now I'll be singing that
music to my ears and not somebody else
will be singing it for me and I think
that is key here self-discipline and
self-control it's interesting also
because the prophet Sall Ali wasallam
speaks about about this peace be upon
him and he says that truly a Believer is
the one who takes pleasure in the good
that they have
done so now how we feel about ourselves
does not come from what people people
say or think about us but rather it is
our own commitment to what our
principles and values say to be like
we're going to take a break and we're
right back with more here with yasu faga
on the dean showell sit tight no problem
you can take my daughter to dinner you
and my daughter and
me let me tell you something it's
natural that's the idea God created it
and he created us to have a good time we
should have a good time only with our
wives though Islam is the fastest
growing religion in the world and most
of the converts are women not men they
see that the rules of Islam instead of
constraining them the rules set them
free okay you've got your dream home and
you've got your dream car but you're
going to get old and things are going to
happen to you in your life and then what
have you got at the end of the day it's
an empty dream that has no real
Foundation we are going to die and we're
going to meet our Lord and he is going
to judge us it becomes an obligation for
each single human being to find out what
the Quran is Islam is telling us to stay
away from things which are bad for your
person and bad for the
[Music]
society Islam prohibits killing of
innocent human beings human life is
precious back here on the dean show with
shik yaser faga and we have so many
things to talk about on this topic so
little time so uh we just want to leave
the people with some good information
some good advice and hopefully we can we
can get this sister now to feel better
to be on a road towards healing up and
not going back to that and people can
benefit from her question now one note
on her okay she realizes what she did
she shouldn't have done she shouldn't
have been in this relationship from from
the GetGo right that's clear marriage is
the way to go in Islam right yes okay
she gets the phone call now she's
healing up boys will be boys he's not on
the correct way he's not doing the right
thing and he's hungry he wants to eat
you know what I'm talking about and he
calls her up at 1 2 in the morning hey
baby and he start he still has her
number right what do you do well this is
what we say this is about avoiding a
relapse you know and um the best thing
at that point I actually had a client
who was in a situation like this you
know the guy got what he wanted and then
by the end of the day you know
unfortunately squeezing an orange
squeeze all the juice out of it and then
what you do with the rest of it throw it
TOS it away yeah uh but then he I guess
took him some time to find somebody body
else didn't know where to go he still
had her number wants to call her up um
again please remember this Eddie you
know the word love in Islam in the Quran
appears in over 90 places love and its
derivatives what is interesting is it
does not define what love is but speaks
about the very first consequence of Love
Now if you claim to love a person what
would be the very first consequence of
you saying that I love that person
commitment so Islam talks about
Commitment if you truly love then
commit if you do not commit then your
claim of love is not real so for that
sister if that kid is really interested
in you I say well I want you to meet my
parents I want you to come and propose
and that's when oh you know not really
now I'm not ready for it um well then
you seeking me for pleasure at this
point and I do not and I'm not going to
put myself out there just to please you
which is what has happened in the uh in
the past I don't want to assume but it
seems like you know now that they're
broken up if he wants her back just for
this I'd say please test his commitment
and say if that's what you want I want
you to talk to my parents and I remember
when I told this to my client he
actually called her and he said you know
what I really miss you baby and you know
he was singing All That tunes into her
ears late at night like you said 120
maybe 125 but then what he said you know
he said all the right things and she
started falling for it and then know she
remembered what we talked about in
counseling and she said you know what
that sounds really sweet I want you to
meet my parents and that music
absolutely changed so you know I'm I'm
still I can't and you know that he
started he was out he was stuttering at
that point and he could not complete a
sentence yeah and she immediately knew
what he was after was not necessarily
what she wanted and at that point I am
not going to open myself up so that you
take what you want and then you're going
to toss me as you have done this in the
in the past so please you know stand
your stand your ground and remember
remember this you know what never change
who you are to please somebody else if
we just keep doing this all the time the
person who is in relationship with that
person is no longer us it is somebody
else and what good is it that we lose
who we are in order to be with somebody
who does not like us the way that we are
I'm not I'm not hesitant or shy to use
such strong language here because I love
our sisters we love our women in Islam
we love uh our sisters in humanity so
even if you're not one who has
consciously submitted to the one God
you're not doing the way of life of all
the messengers of God Islam we still
want the best for you so when I use such
harsh language I say Beware of the dogs
because a dog he wants to eat when he's
hungry so that wolf and sheep's clothing
beware of him don't fall for these
tricks and this is that good advice that
make him come through the front door so
he don't go through the back by all
means and see and and here's the thing
and and I'm not denouncing us us men but
we really do have the ability to sing
All the Right music you know I deal a
lot with women who are in abusive
relationships the average woman in the
US who is in an abusive relationship
remains in that relationship an average
of 18 to 25 years this is somebody who
is physically verbally mentally
psychologically sexually abusing the
woman yet she stays with him for an
average of 18 to 25 years I have
counseled women who got out after 21
years 19 years 20 years and what have
you but what is most common about them
is this guy knows how to lure them back
in he knows how to say it he knows what
to say he just knows which buttons to
push and you know what they read them so
unbelievably well and I think and and
please don't hold that against me but I
think that um some of the greatest
psychologists are actually pimps because
of their ability to come out there read
a person and just be able to press all
the right buttons on that on that on
that person you know so we would say um
we would say police if anybody claims
love then ask for commitment because
they said they love you it does not give
them the license to sleep with you okay
you want to make sure that because this
is it's not just a a physical act but
rather great sex is sex that actually
has emotions with it it has genuine
emotions with it and and if he loves and
then wants to be with you then they
should be ready to commit to you if
they're not willing to do so then I
would really question their love and a
message now to the parents who sometimes
hinder this great task you prepare your
child to be a doctor and a scientist and
an engineer you're prepping him for this
making sure he goes to the right
institutions and you're helping him or
her along her way but now marriage
you're not taking them to the right
classes sitting with the right people
listening to the right lectures to
prepare them and now even that peer
pressure starts to peer in Pierce in and
now they end up doing it the wrong way
what advice for the parents do you have
so they don't contribute to this harm
you know Eddie a cardinal mistake that
we as parents make is that we teach our
children how to make a living but not
how to make a life mhm what good is it
that I know how to make a living but my
life is really a mess yes preparing us
to be a good man a good woman by giving
us you know these valuable lessons and
and just not being afraid of you you
know knowing what our challenges um our
challenges are so as important as it is
to teach us how to make a living more
important is to teach us how to make a
life and I think if we know how to make
a life then we would know how to make a
living but because we know how to make a
living it does not necessarily mean that
we know how to make a life so please
especially in today's culture be aware
of the different challenges that you
know our children go through Newsweek
magazine had a poll asking children what
was you know what was most influential
in their lives parents were not number
one not number two not number three not
number four not number five not number
six they came in seventh they came after
school teachers friends celebrities
magazines and what have you so please do
not lose that place of authority you are
the best teacher you are a teacher who
is emotionally invested in the
well-being of your of your children and
because of this address the real
challenges life issues issues life
related issues and I mean come on
nowadays sex relationships is all over
the place and if you are not willing to
talk to your children about these issues
somebody else is somebody else is and I
am so thankful and grateful that it came
to us and we got to talk about this very
important issue and we look forward to
having you again here on the dean show
we start with peace we end with peace
peace be with you thank youum Salam and
thank you thank you for sitting tight
through another episode of the dean show
I hope you got to benefit from this
sister's question and an advice that we
got to give her and everyone out there
don't get caught by that sh wolf and
sheep's clothing don't let that person
come to the back door make them go
through the front door make them meet
your parents and talk to your parents
have an open relationship with the
parents and the parents with the CH
children and stick to the game plan the
game plan that was revealed by the
creator of the heavens and earth and
that's that total and complete
submission to the one who created you
living life according to his will not
your desires and at the end there's
nothing less than Paradise that's right
paradise and we hope that you will come
back here every week to the dean show
until next time peace be unto you