[Music]
it seems that people don't get really
bored whenever we talk about a subject
Like Love and
Marriage see you guys all the smiling
and
laughing which means it is true it's
very hard and difficult to find people
away from subject like marriage and love
specifically in a
community full with youth mashallah and
also youthful Hearts is always into the
idea of love and marriage in order to
rejuvenate their lives and see future
for themselves as
well Subhan Allah the issue of the issue
of marriage the issue of Love even
though Allah subhana said that clearly
in the Quran that it's one of his
bounties and favors upon
[Music]
mankind it is among his sign is this
that he created for you made from
amongst yourselves in order in order for
you to dwel in Tranquility with them
peace and tranquility and he has placed
between your hearts love and mercy
indeed they in our signs for those who
reflect so Allah subhana wa made the
issue of marriage one of his signs one
of these magnificent and Brilliant signs
in this creation how men get attracted
to women women they get attracted to men
how men they fall love fall in love with
women and women with men how they come
together in order to look and find this
peace and Tranquility all by the will of
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
even alh wasallam acknowledging this as
a fact of creation he encouraged people
to go and pursue this peace and
Tranquility as quick as
possible he did not encou he never
encouraged people to delay marriages he
always discouraged that he encouraged
people young men and women to pursue
marriage as quick as possible
saying and this is instruction
specifically given to men because
usually they are the one who should be
initiating their their proposals
saying you the
youth anyone who finds himself capable
means financially physically all aspects
if you find yourself capable of getting
married should go and pursue it should
go and get married the prophet
sallallahu alaihi wasallam given now the
reason for this that it is will be
better for you will help you lower your
gaze and protect yourself your cty from
the Haram but if you
couldn't anyone who was unable then
should go and adhere to
fasting fast as much as you can in order
to suppress this overwhelming desire
until Allah subhah wa tala makes it easy
for you with all these instructions from
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
and this beautiful sign from Allah
subhanahu wa tala and this creation it
seems that living here in the west
things are getting difficult and more
difficult
difficult look around you and ask
yourself the question are you
married and just let me see see the show
of hand how many of you guys are single
raise your hand if you're single
brothers and
sisters maybe because you're young but
how old are
you you're still young
though So In traditional in traditional
societies people of your age should all
be M they would have two three
children they will be well routed in
life well established men and women so
they know and they continue the process
of procreation of mankind and they
continue the process of establishing
societies and they're going to be going
on further and further until Allah
subhana will but still though with all
these things we know and realize how
difficult it is for people to get
married at Le at least here in
America even if you go and you get
married there are so many problems so
many obstacles you have to go uh over
and you have to uh try to overcome
before even you reach that level and
even if Allah subhana T blessed you to
be among those who are few in number
here in America who get married will be
very difficult and hard to maintain that
relationship without any
problems dealing with the youth and also
those who are married alhamdulillah
dealing with with this class of love and
love notes sometimes it brings a lot of
Wonders how people sub experience
beautiful and loving relationship with
each other but at the same time you will
see some relations are going up and down
based on their circumstances makes you
feel so so Subhan Allah annoyed by the
reality of marriage for all Muslim youth
here in
America people they ask the question
well hold on a second is it even
possible to raise a Muslim family in an
environment like here in the West
I mean you're talking about traditional
societies alhamdulillah where Muslims
are overwhelming you know majority so
therefore everything all the
circumstance will help to establish an
Islamic Society Muslim family aldah help
in the process of up bringing our
children what about here is it is it
hard and difficult really to bring up a
Muslim family the answer is yes but is
it impossible the answer is
no so then why do we have all these
issues and all these problem problems
can you really live in the west and
maintain a Muslim identity and establish
a good Muslim family we have some
problems and this is a crisis in
marriage for the Muslim um Muslim
Community Living in America and the West
in general and honestly exploring many
many of the activity sessions I had
conducted with my students in the F of
love and also love note classes and
seminars you come with so many problems
and crisis that they produce for you
dealing with all these issues it's very
hard and difficult to finish in few
minutes but I had summarize some of them
at least just to show to shed some light
on some of these probably most important
problems I have seen among the use here
in America and I have also divided this
to three different
groups the first set of of problems
falls under conventional views we have
specific conventional views that put
some obstacle on the way to get married
the second some gender
issues is something contemporary to
Muslim society and it's now the
influence of the western Society so what
are they exactly and then we will see we
will see inshallah some cultural issues
as well as for these conventional views
number one the ideals of love and
marriage if you ask the young men and
young women here in this Society even in
this room
what are your views regarding Love and
Marriage they would have some kind of
beautiful ideals and I call them ideals
because all what they have in their mind
is just that beautiful image and
Heavenly
Bliss but in reality sometimes it's
almost impossible to reach that level
you have to deal with the
circumstances you have to accept that
you have you need to compromise so you
see young men they would like to have
the most beautiful woman the most
talented woman the smartest lady she's
excellent in cooking she's mashallah
basically all these beautiful qualities
in one
woman same thing the ladies would like
to wait for this mashallah athletic guy
very smart intelligent rich and wealthy
kind and caring all these beautiful
images I would say the only place you
can find a man or woman like this is in
al
Jenna in dun it's very hard
you ask those who once they initiate
their idea about getting married they
want to
experience they want to experience love
first because they believeing what they
have uh uh learned in this Society you
cannot marry someone unless you love
them that is true what do you mean by
love is it that these kind of fairy tale
you know mentality that you see her
she's beautiful she must be perfect so I
love her and he's handsome and he's a
prince so he's Rich so I love him is
that
all can we just rationalize the concept
of love what is exactly mean what's
going to happen next we see in this
Society with all these ideals about love
that you have to pre to practice and
experience that relationship before even
you get married you have to experience
that love before you get married still
though we have so many people they go
for divorce after they get married in
this Society why because they realize
marriage is not just love is not just a
lip service it is something beyond what
you
claim it is something practical that you
need to prove if you love me then show
it to
me and you need to see this person who's
really practical who understands the
meaning of love and they are ready to
sacrifice their life for this
relationship what we call it
marriage it's a matter of commitment if
you love somebody you need to commit for
them it's not a matter let me try it
there are no trials in marriage I mean
marriage doesn't come with a
receipt you have 30 days trial just
bring the receipt and we're ready just
to revoke the marriage doesn't work like
that believe
me you have to commit and when you
commit you commit for a relationship and
never put failure as an
option in in the mind of many many
people young men and women when they go
into a relationship you can see that
because I conduct sometimes even
marriage marriage contracts I can see
these views from the way they try to
stipulate and put conditions in their
marriage contracts so they say you know
what we need the
$500 only as a Mah which is mam means
upfront and then
$50,000 defer Mahar you ask the people
what do you mean by $50,000 what is that
for so well just in case if things don't
work really we want to make sure that
she will stand on something
solid okay what if he gets so abusive
that he says you know I don't have
$50,000 therefore I'm going to go after
you until you ask
for so the relationship becomes so sour
they start abusing each other fighting
and even after they get married in
islamically they go to the court to
finish it legally because they know if
they're going to go to the Islamic
divorce it's going to look different so
they have to go by law and that's for
them to ensure extra amount of what they
have earned through their their marital
life so we do have some problems views
of love are mixing honestly are
contaminating the idea of marriage and
the idea of the earnestness of marriage
and love which is Family Life family
life is very very important part of
these conventional views as we mentioned
earlier the premarital relations because
of now I need to I need to fall in love
with this man or this woman before
marriage so therefore I have to
experience him and
her eventually talking about some
conservative communities Muslim
communities they need to know each other
and they start knowing each other and
then it gets a little bit you know more
relaxed so they starts going with one
another talking over the phone for hours
and hours and they go without any CHS or
Maham and so on and sometimes they fall
into the Haram before they get
married and I have unfortunately I had
to go and get involved in some of these
issues in Muslim communities because
people they get extra excited and they
know that they had promised that we're
going to get married anyway eventually
so why
not I need to know him and I need to
know him but to what extent what exactly
do you need to know about him and about
her how loving he this person is going
to be how caring this person is going to
be and what exactly you need to know yes
Islam gives you the give you the chance
to get together through the supervision
of the family and the mam to know one
another but it has to be supervised why
to rationalize the concept of love it's
not just about him you know flowing all
these emotions to you so you could just
deceive by these words no there's
somebody else say hold on a second you
just spoke all these emotions right now
I need to I need you to show this in
practice what do you mean by this what
are you offering here what's going on
here what do you do how are you going to
be how we going to go about all these
issues in life so trying always to build
these issues for the family life for the
future of the
family number three of the controversial
views the issue finances ask most of
those young people say what's the
problem with you guys why AR you getting
married right now say well I'm not ready
yet okay what do you mean by ready said
financially I'm not yet stable okay how
old are you are you 35 years
old Subhan Allah 35 years old still not
married because you're financially not
stable what have you been doing all
these years where did where did you send
your money I mean if it was for charity
alhamdulillah may Allah reward you means
you're investing with Allah subhah wa
ta'ala but was just on Playstation games
that would be a big
problem so indeed if this is the case
then you're not you will never be ready
for marriage at
all but yes finances
what do we mean by that for many people
the issue of finances is a big big
Challenge and we have some culture and
also some of these that contributes to
these controversial uh uh views of
marriage unconventional views of of of
marriage is that you have to finish your
education completely which goes with it
so finances most likely would go with
education and when you say education for
many many people it means PhD
or at least MD to ensure
future if you're not a doctor I don't
know how successful you're going to be
in life that's what we have in our minds
if you run for if you basically go for
an Imam position may Allah be with you
how you going to have to
survive and we don't know that even the
market for imams has changed the also
Muslim communities looking for imams
Community leaders of strong POS
leadership they start with
$85,000 just please come and Lead our
community and I heard other community
even asking for more just get offering
more just we need someone to lead so the
issue of Finance is not about our own
perception you have to be an engineer
you have to be a doctor you have to be
this you have to be that it's you need
to you need to be successful in life
that's all how what if you were a
teacher can't you manage your money very
well inshallah T in order to survive in
this life yes besides when you say
stable stable financially stable what
does that mean you're going to you need
to first to have a house to have a car
and then to have the whole Furniture
alhamdulillah already in the house and
so on before even you get married I mean
that's true you need to have some place
where you can start with with your life
with but it doesn't have to be a huge
mortgage that you put in your back and
your shoulder in order to survive
because of this view right now many
young men and women they look for the
the other party of course to be probably
as equally RIS
if not even more so they want a working
partner young men they looking for a
sister who has a degree so they could go
and walk in t in order to ensure a
better financial situation well if you
would like to take that route that is
fine but you're going to have to be the
consequences of this
decision how come the more you earn
that's now statistically speaking the
more you earn the more you
spend and you will never reach that
satis action
never so if you both earn $120,000 why
should you go for a house that cost
maybe $50,000 now we're going to buy a
bigger house and mallah a new house and
you drive the same car no way it has to
be a new car so they go and they buy two
cars and both them new if not even lease
Furniture oh no way you are not going to
bring anything from your apartment
everything has to be new so they buy new
furniture
and even they sometimes they leave the
tags on the furniture
forever just to have always to feel that
it's new so we always have all these now
high expectations to our finances before
we even get married we start our
marriage with a huge financial burden
ask most of those young men who start
with this with this this actually huge
financial burden besides their their
loan of course that the college and
student loans and it's not a point right
now to say it's Haram or Halal but the
point is that they start with a lot of
birds on them Financial burdens and then
when they start their marital life they
always throw the blame on their families
on their wives why it's because of you
I'm carrying all this burden and that's
when they always start you know getting
in troubles and start fighting each
other and the relation gets s and even
sometimes bitter to the divorce the
issue of
Education in one of activities we had in
these class the seminars about marriage
and
love we asked them we asked the a young
men and women a question we said why do
you delay your
marriages and they gave different views
of course one of these issues what
delaying the marriage actually the the
question itself delaying marriage uh was
objected by some sisters saying no it's
not about delaying we are waiting and
let me just read to you what were the
reasons these young men and women
delaying their marriages and I'm now
reading real actual uh statistics means
number one reason number one reason for
men and for women to delay and defer
their marriages further and further
which means if it was left for them I
would like to marry next I mean
yesterday not even tomorrow but now
there are some obstacles number one
reason for these young men and women
delaying their marriages guess
what
parents number one reason parents and we
shall talk about this in when we talk
about cultural gaps but parents will be
number one reason for them to delay
their marriages number two for men
Finance
for women education it's almost the same
somehow number three for men education
which means if I can find myself
financially stable and continue with my
education I don't mind I'll get married
but just need to be Financial stable
more for women number three fear and
intimidation of what they give different
reasons fear of Oppression fear of
control fear of uh uh uh past
experiences fear of family
responsibilities and so forth all these
kind of things for for for men number
four It Was
Fear and that's fear of what fear of
commitment and fear of
rejection men they get
intimidated when they go and
propose and many people they come to me
young people because we don't have the
same traditional ways of you know
getting along our marriages so like the
mother usually takes the role in seeking
for for uh uh the best maybe match for
for her son and so on they don't do that
anymore over here except for for a few
so he's trying to look for himself and
now he sees that she might be a
potential maybe uh uh wife this might be
prospective bride and so on but how do I
go about it and I'm afraid they get so
scared of asking so they fear rejection
then number five or for lady I mean
sorry number four and which is Subhan
Allah very amusing here it's lack of
proposals
so the guys fear of rejection they don't
propose and the ladies they're waiting
because of lack of
proposals how are you going to bridge
the gap right now what should we do we
told the guys don't worry just go and
ask and the ladies they have some list
of conditions that made those guys scar
away number
five lack of Halal venues which is is
true so we don't know how to go where to
go imams not too many imams are helpful
because they don't want to be
responsible for a relationship might
turn so
sour families they would like to give to
force specific relations on us so
therefore we don't want their
interference in our relationship parents
they always put these condition in our
way and even if we even if we say fine I
want to get married the parents will say
no until you finish your education what
do you mean by education it's not even
bachelor's degree anymore by the way
bachelor's degree just like finishing
you know kindergarten
today so you have to have a master's
degree or a PhD so you need to go keep
going on and in your
education number
six
culture culture becomes a huge problem
we shall again as I said we talk about
it inshallah t later in this session but
from this as you see young men and women
they have their own perspec persective
and why they're delaying their marriages
but still though the sister which I
wanted to bring here regarding the issue
of Education as of one of these
conventional views the issue of
education for sisters they say listen
it's not a matter that we're delaying
our marriage because it's not in our
hand usually the guy should initiate the
proposal which is true most ladies
they're expecting and still waiting for
this Prince Charm to come on his White
Horse and say let's go and they're
waiting so they called they said we are
not delaying actually but we are waiting
which means if don't if we don't propose
we're going to keep waiting for too long
as a solution for this basically because
they have already been alhamdulillah in
the process of education and learning
and certification listen as long as long
as I'm going to be waiting for a
proposal suitable proposal to come why
not then just continue my education so
they go and they join graduate
school what they don't realize the more
they go in this field of graduate school
and then phds and then career oriented
views and vision and so on the more
these guys get
scared they say she's going to be
overqualified for me so therefore the
best way to do it is to go traditionally
and you I guess you all know and you
hear about so many of these young boys
they go and they marry from
overseas why I don't want to get
involved with this problem you see I
just don't want to get all these
headaches so it's better just to get
someone who's traditional she was just
want to be my my wife I don't want
really a coworker in the house I don't
want to have the these problems from her
work with me and so on so they have all
these issues education is not Haram
pursuing the highest degree of education
is not Haram itself but now we're
dealing with reality and I want you just
to open your eyes for the Realties I'm
not here promoting any
specific let's say marriage or even
pattern I'm just opening your eyes to
what's going on in reality most of those
guys feel rejection so they get
intimidated most of those sisters
they're waiting and sometimes they
waiting on the wrong
station so therefore something has to be
done and we need to realize and
understand the concept of marriage and
love which brings us to the issue of
gender gender
issues now gender issues if you read any
Islamic uh uh literature specifically
traditional Islamic literature books of
books of and and so on the concept of
gender and gender in expectations gender
issues they don't exist in these
traditional classical works of Shar but
they do exist in the Contemporary works
of Muslim Scholars or at least students
of knowledge so they know because it's a
it's a true
Challenge and being a true challenge it
has to be tackled from an Islamic
perspective to see what exactly is going
on in our Muslim Society so when you
deal with the gender issues the issue of
men and women the role of man in the
society the role of women in the society
who takes precedence over the other is
it a matter of you know uh patriarchy
means the man takes control of
everything in the society and women they
just have you know some kind of
complimentary role in the societ what
exactly should be the role of men and
women in in in society based on the how
you answer this question then you're
going to have to touch on the issue of
family
life because if you're going to say men
and women should share you know the
workforce and do and help around the
society and so on which is good
alhamd okay on the account of whom
family time Family Life kids who's going
to be raising your kids whether your uh
parents your in-laws friends nannies or
someone you don't know
who and that's on the long run is going
to create some kind of social
instability in the
society in Islam do we have anything
such as Islamic
feminism what do you guys
think do you have anything like Islamic
feminism
the guys are scared to
answer even though even though as I said
we might not have these issues tackled
seriously in Islamic classical works of
and Shar but it is a real problem in the
Muslim
Society people they grow up in
traditional families with what we call a
gender
expectations so what is the gender
expectation for women gender expectation
of women is that when they grow they
need to grow of course to prepare
themselves for the family life to be
wives or
Housewives today they call them home
Homemakers because Housewives some kind
of negative connotation with it so they
just prefer to say Homemakers it's
better so that's not traditional of
course View and this is now gender
expectation from them so and most men
even the highly probably educated men in
this Society Society from amongst the
Muslims they always go and go back to
that view when it comes to marriage yes
even if he wants his wife to work with
him in order to help with the finances
they still go back traditional when it
comes to Ginger expectations so they
want her to work but at the same time
she needs to be the
housewife so it's not my business with
the house it's yours you cook you take
care of the laundry you take care of the
kids you do all these things and for
women they're going to say well that's
not fair hold on a second I mean we
agree that should be partners equal
partners because we believe in equality
so why now you force me to do these
things so they get married and the first
few weeks and months because now again
they're in this in love Heavenly Bliss
when they start feeling the reality of
marriage and how these now uh these uh
uh expectations would be contradictory
to their own personal views of marriage
that's when they start uh coming into uh
into fights into arguments and probably
even ending the relationship with
divorce
men they expect themselves to be the
bread winners so my job is just to go
out and work once I'm done that's it I
want to go home just to chill out and
even if I stay at home for some time I
need to go out with my guys with my
friends you know just like in the old
days the the the hunting packs how men
they used to go out just for hunting and
sit sit together for days and and nights
in outside house and they come back with
their Mah with their games and with the
meat when the bread with the food and
they're so happy they expect their wies
just to
say means no complaint they don't want
any complaints from their wives but
again INF influences from this culture
from The Wil culture has changed these
conventional views of marriages means
men and women now are facing the age of
even Islamic
feminism even women sometimes
unintentionally they might fall into the
pitfalls of this actually uh these views
and men don't know how to deal with it
because for them it's even out of the
question we are still Muslims and
therefore we have this patriarchal
system means Allah says in the
Quran which means men
are means protectors they're Guardians
they are responsible for their families
because of how the preferences between
them based on these differences Allah
made one over the other and Final es
they're responsible financially for the
households and if they compromise any of
these two things they're going to lose
the concept of p and that's why we see
in this Society right now when both
partners are working actually it creates
a lot of tension between the husband and
wife because now the concept of D is no
longer as it should where it should
be doesn't mean it's Haram for woman to
work not at all it's based on the
circumstances but I always suggest for
the young men and women before before
they get married if they going to be uh
uh both working they have to understand
the consequences and set the rules for
the future before they continue this
relationship it's not that you know okay
you alhamdulillah we can we can manage
it because they don't know what you're
talking about after a few months that's
when the Ser start realizing oh my God I
didn't get married just to uh uh keep uh
uh having a roommate with me in the
house I need a wife I need my husband
with me in the house so that's this
start realizing a few months later hold
on a second the husband says okay I
don't want you to work
anymore I want you to stay at home says
no I didn't spend all 13 years in my
life to get my degree just to stay at
home so they starts fighting over these
issues and the relationship does not St
stay too
long because of this which brings us one
of these gender
issues even the structure of marriage
has changed so we have different
marriage patterns right now among the
Muslims we have the tradition marriage
which is based on the traditional gender
expectations the man is the head of the
house the woman she's taking care of all
the other things in the house and then
we have contemporary uh pattern it's
called egalitarian pattern when men and
when man and woman they both believe
that we are partners and equal in all
aspects finances parenting household
issues you know all these kind of things
so the man he tells his wife says
this for the bills so well it's your
it's your business you're the man yeah
but you you're also working well says
it's my
money woman whatever she earns that's
hers and whatever a man earns he has to
participate and share with his wife so
therefore that's the that's that's how
Islam alhamdulillah distributes to the
finances but if the man says yeah but
this is not true I mean if you're going
to be working without participating I
don't want you to work then and again we
go into the same issue so gitan and the
same thing the man for example at night
he comes back from work so tired he
wants to get some sleep and now they
have a child we keep crying and weeping
and so on gender expectation is that
that's her business not mine so if the
baby starts crying he the only thing he
does is just he pushes his
wife she's crying can you go and check
her check on her well W of she says okay
it's your turn says who said that who
said we take turns here it's your
business it's your job but they don't
realize that now they're endangering
their
relationship we have also an
intermediate uh uh pattern between both
traditional and egalitarian which is
called trans
transitional people who believe in
traditional views but at the same time
in the process of moving towards okay I
need to help around the house and man
says yes I know you should I should help
you know because the life lifestyle we
live here in the west is totally
different it's not like you know in
Muslim countries where you have lot of
relatives around you who can help with
everything that you want and so on so
therefore I have to I have to be around
the house as much as possible which
means I need to help with parenting I
need to help with the with the chores of
the house I need to be for you even
sometimes like you know in this style I
need to cook one day uh per week for
example or two days so they like to help
around the house same thing the wife
would say yeah I know it's it's very
difficult for you to take care of the
bills and so so I'll just take care of
this for you you just just make sure
that we have enough money in the bank
and I'll take care of the check and the
balances
so Islam and this is not really it's
it's not a thing that needs to be
ashamed of is indeed a religion that
supports patriarchal system in the
family
life one thing I want to mention
regarding the issue of the the system of
patriarchy in Islam I don't want you
when I say when when I bring the word
patriarchal system I don't want you to
imagine the the Western interpretation
of patriarchy because they have a
totally different interpretation to it
if you check the concept of patriarchy
in the European Society because most of
these views come from European
experiences back in the 14th 15th 16th
century and it's all based on religion
specifically Catholicism and how the
Catholic Church te you know women in the
Society and also in America over here
during the the time of of uh uh the
Conquistador when they starts coming to
North America and South America what
they how they dealt with the issue of
women and gender and so on it's Subhan
Allah something that really mankind
should be should feel ashamed from how
men treated women so now when we bring
the issue of patriarchy that men should
be the the head of the house and they
should take care of uh the financial
issues and the social structure should
be for women and so on we think that
it's a matter of the same pattern of
Oppression of suppression of complete
control we don't realize it's a matter
of coordination and cooperation not
Corporation it's cooperation helping one
another and that's how explained that in
his own actions how he dealt with his
wife
who
said I mean he's the he's number one
patriarch man in his household however
we if you check his lifestyle with his
wife you'll be
amazed how could wasam being so lenient
for example with his wife in certain
issues how he treated them how kind he
was to
them and that's when he said
sallam the best amongst you those who
are the best of their families and I am
the one who's the best of his family
sallu alai wasallam interesting thing
regarding to close this point actually
with when I was uh checken long time ago
some of books about history of feminism
here in the west I was really surprised
and shocked that a book that was written
back in in the early 1990s if not even
late 1980s and the introduction of the
book the first actually on the sleeve
from the inside the first the first page
they coted
this they quoted thisth
that the best amongst you are those who
are the best of their families and I am
the best of my family and in the
introduction they said of course
Muhammad prophet of Islam and then
afterwards in the introduction they said
that it is based on this and the
experience of of uh uh uh of women in
Islam it's been believed that Islam or
Muhammad uh was the first uh advocate
for women
liberation of course they wanted to do
that on their own way on perspective but
we do believe that women they had a lot
of Rights more than so many women they
actually in Europe until even this day
as for the cultural
issues some of these culture is that
contribute to the crisis of women and
and marriage in uh in the west number
one pre-arranged
marriages parents and we all know
alhamdulillah may Allah reward them for
the efforts for all their hardships that
they had to endure in order to bring us
up to become Mah grown-up and even their
support and help in order to finish our
education and become uh uh adults and
successful in our life we know all of
that however sometimes parents they
think that they take this for granted
that now since I did all this for you
then it's my turn to put the seal on it
which is your
marriage once you're married
alhamdulillah I'm out of it that's what
they
think so they always think that you know
what my role would finish when I just
get you inall on the road and the last
thing I need to do for you is just to
help you get me married and when I want
to help you get married I want you to
marry the best person to you the most
suitable match so they make the the as
much as possible all the efforts
possible for them in order to bring you
the person that you really need to get
married to it's more between men and
women some some people they think this
is now forc marriages or pre-arranged
marriages just happens uh uh you know
it's an advantage for men of course and
disadvantage for women actually in both
sides sometimes Advantage sometimes it's
a disadvantage even sometimes guys they
uh they fall victims for these
pre-arranged
marriages just like women sometimes they
fall victims of this and sometimes
people they don't it's not a matter of
being a victim or victimized actually
but becomes really a privilege and
alhamdulillah Advantage for you to have
a pre-arranged marriage to help you go
through life in an easy way without
going you know after so many proposals
chasing you know Illusions and so on so
it might sometimes it has some kind of
benefits and sometime would have some
disadvantages not all pre-arranged
marriages
are wrong but not all of them are also
right so the parents they would come and
they try to force their of course their
patterns on their on their kids say you
know what I want you to marry this
person and they put some kind of
Parental pressure like a Dua if you
don't listen to me if you don't accept
this person I'm going to make Dua
against
you I will never be satisfied with you
why why but at the same time kids they
need to realize that the parents are
doing this out of love
not out of hate your parents they love
you so much and even if you become 50
years old not been older you're going to
always be looked at as my little boy and
my little
girl because you're the still the
children for them so they're going to
always try to take care of you even this
happened with wasallam was a messenger
of Allah when he used to come to
Madina his wet nurse he was a little
baby when she nursed him and now he's a
grown up he's a me great messenger of
Allah sallallahu alaihi wasallam and
she's an old lady she used to cook some
food for him so when he comes to visit
she goes come and eat and says no I
don't want you so they start yelling at
him and just like any
mother you're G to you're going to have
to eat look at yourself you don't eat
enough you so basically always caring
and when they do that it's not that she
hated wasam no she loved him so much she
said listen you go you keep going around
you have a strong that you need to care
for and so so you need to eat enough
come over here and eat even if he didn't
like it he still want she wanted him
just to go and eat and was the most
caring man ever walked on Earth even
when he
sees his wet nurse again he would bring
his coat for her to sit on
it the point is that our parents when
they do that they have their own views
they have their own perspective they
love us so much and that's why they want
to help you so that you just let's solve
all the this problem quickly so you
could get along with your life inshallah
tal again they don't realize sometimes
that they might hurt us you know
unintentionally uh and therefore please
don't get offended when your parents try
to help you arrange your marriage but
try to come together and understand how
to go about it and what exactly should
be looking for for parents I always
suggest that you make this decision
final decision for the for the kids it's
not your decision it's theirs and Al
wasallam ensured that this decision
should be made by those young people
when he said sallallahu alaihi wasallam
when he ensured that the the uh uh the
the proposal or the final AC decision on
any proposal is the girls no one has
allowed to force his daughter into any
marriage however Allah subh T gave men
which in this case their parents the
father in particular gave him the the
the power of filtering these proposals
which we called
Al so you cannot force but you can say
no and if the man takes it further to
become more abusive and saying no no no
because he have something in his mind
they have the full right to go and
object to his rejection and his even
power can be provoked from him or
revoked from him one of these issues
cultural issues we have here interracial
marriages Living in America specifically
in New York you guys you know better
it's a very very Multicultural Society
you cannot say that there is one culture
that's predominant here everybody brings
it with him his own culture and and
their own
packages parents sometimes they keep
living in and and ABD mentioned here
earlier that most of the people here
coming from at least from immigrant
backgrounds first second third
generation most of these parents they
probably live here in in New York and
being in a Hub City like New York and
it's easy to travel overseas so the
Middle East and the middle and and these
countries become like the backyard for
them but they want to just have a cup of
coffee they just you know book a ticket
and then Tri and they come back again
with shopping cart with them very easy
to do that it's getting more expensive
right now so Allah maybe they're going
to go back again travel by boats but
still for them they live in a cultural
Society that's totally unique and those
parents with that with the technology
that is now uh uh adding to contributing
to the problem through the satellite TV
people at home watching overseas
TVs so they now they becoming more
entrenched into their own culture and
they expect their kids to do the same as
well what they don't realize is that
their kids have already claimed their
own culture and that culture of course
is the American Muslim culture the kids
they don't care about colors they don't
care about ethnicities they don't care
about background they're all they
consider themselves Muslims and that's
it so whether you're coming from from
Africa from Europe from an Arab non Arab
so and so on for them living together so
long they have broken all these cultural
boundaries
and now when they introduce someone from
a different culture to their parents oh
my God it's an alarming uh thing for
them something must be something is
going on in your mind what's going
what's wrong with you I mean how come no
he's not an Arab she's not this he's not
that why because again we still live
this kind of culture for our kids they
don't care about these issues I want
both parties to be a part of the
solution which means parents you need to
realize if you're living here in America
you should be living by body and by Soul
it doesn't mean to adapt anything that
is Haram or wrong but you should also
consider the changes that are happening
to your culture through your kids and
for the kids I want you also to
understand that your parents they have
legitimate concern when they come to
consult their cultures and tradition
it's very very important they would like
you they would like to ensure for you of
course a larger social network that you
will need in your in your life we don't
perceive that because here will live
under of course the influence of individ
ual ISM so everybody wants to be himself
or herself but still you cannot live
without that cultural influence so you
need to open your mind open your heart
to all of these
things anyway last thing I would like to
conclude with inshallah so you can get
to uh question and ansers if possible
the issue of uh uh parental expectations
you know one one of the reasons or one
of the things that we mentioned
regarding uh the issue of why men and
women delaying their marriages is the
issue of Education issue finances and
number one was parents parents usually
they set the bar so high for their
perspective you know uh spouse in the
future so they want the man to be of
Highly Educated person most intelligent
man rich and wealthy very well
established very well arounded in life
and so on they don't they don't want
someone who is still inex in life but if
you want someone like this they're going
to have to go of course through a lot of
things before they get married those men
in order to meet the expectation of
these parents they go through a lot of
modification so bachelor's degree is not
enough anymore to go and
propose with so you go with a bachelor's
degree to a parent saying I have a
bachelor degree in let's say in in it or
even an education that they say well how
much you earn anyway that's me the
second question
okay I appreciate your degree but how
much you earn from this but when you say
I have a master's degree in that so they
expect that you are earning more if you
have a PhD degree so you earn more okay
what happens when a man Waits until he
finishes his PhD degree how old ises he
would
be not 40 is come
on I would assume that the person when
you reach you finish your PhD you'll be
close to 30 years old unless you were
taking your time because of finances
issues so you might pass the 30 years
years old okay when you pass 30 years
old and you want to get married okay
what age you'll be looking for for a
spouse so the humming already answering
it most men looking for a younger wife
and if you're looking for a younger wife
she's going to be probably in her
master's degree or B's degree so he has
going to have to wait few more years
before she finishes besides if you're
going to be also looking for a younger
girl this younger girl she's still in
her Wishful thought she thinking of that
Prince Charm and looking at you in your
30s and 4
is so she goes and she waits even
longer the more those young men and
women wait for for the for the perfect
match the longer they're going to stay
in the market
and if they're going to stay longer and
longer people they going to get tired
and sick and so on and then eventually
start compromising a
lot when they reach specific age they
say okay fine forget about beauty forget
about wealth forget about I just need
somebody and that would be it and that
would be wrong we don't want you to
reach to that level again I'm not
promoting any specific here pattern for
marriage but I'm just trying to open our
eyes to the reality of marriage what
exactly is going on what is happening
what I really know personally from my
experience in marriage counseling even
Mar counseling pre-marriage marit
relations also even conducting marriage
contracts all these kind of things W of
the seminars love notes and of love I
know more than what you think about this
issue and by the way I'm also married
and I have three kids so I know what
does that mean to be a father to be a
parent in the west may Allah subhah wa
ta'ala help you and assist you all to
achieve that
goal so therefore as a conclusion it's
not on one individual effort to solve
the whole issue it's not one mjid effort
to solve the problem W it's a whole
Community effort I know you guys have
been visiting a lot of these matrimonial
Services visiting lot of these
conferences and visiting so many things
to solve this issue and it seems to be
very difficult to find a solution easily
for this because we all waiting for a
magic one to say bismah and that's it
the the problem is solved everybody's
married everybody has children already
and cars and houses and M
it doesn't work like this we need very
serious uh effort being done by all
Muslim uh groups and communities and
conferen organizations in order to solve
this issue at least let's start locally
so here in New York you have mashallah
many many mass and many many
organizations why don't we start
something in our mjid then the next
Masjid third mjid fourth Masjid and
start building these relationsships how
do we do that first of all I will
suggest
supervised sessions on regular basis
between the youth and their parents
bridge the gap you don't have to discuss
the issue of marriage only you can
discuss the issue of so many things
education finances a future uh of of the
community even concept of leadership
because you see in many Muslim
organizations it's it's still you know
in the hand of the of the first and the
second generation they don't let go you
know because they want to make sure that
everything runs alhamdulillah as they
have started it and they don't really
trust the new generation because you see
the new generation is not experienced in
life yet it's going to take them a while
before they get to that point why don't
we start which is number two sessions
training sessions for the Youth young
men and young women and specifically on
the concept of matrimonials and marriage
what's the meaning to be married what is
it take to get married even help them
chart
plans just if you chart the plan for
them
so for for to know from this day until
let's say four years 3 years 5 years I
want to be married help them inshallah
by establishing these kind of uh
training sessions encourage marriage if
your children come to you say I want to
get married tell them okay but first of
all you need to quit playing
PlayStation and then I can think about
it seriously so you need to show
maturity young people if you are serious
about marriage you need to show maturity
parents don't buy the issue of love
telling
you that's that's how they think they
want someone who thinks about
responsibility we we know this is going
to come after marriage but you know you
have to think about what's coming up
what's coming next I'm not saying here
that you completely quit the idea of
love you can develop that that before
marriage and even after marriage Subhan
Allah how many relations you know that
they were they married before we know
each other actually before marriage and
they have been going on this m
successful relations for the past 10 15
20 30 4
years don't say because they were forced
no alhamdulillah at least they're happy
ask them they're doing fine so we do
have it you know on both
sides as the issue
finances we teach in the Heavenly Hughes
class A whole chapter on the issue of of
of economy and finances from the
Quran people they usually when they
think about finances and the um
establishing themselves you know they
always think of the conventional ideas
of earning money it means higher
education more certification training
conferences all these kind of things and
so on but there were so many over so
many things that we
Overlook uh mentioned in the Quran
regarding sources to earn enough money
some of these just to mention some
inshallah the issue of TAA fearing Allah
subhah wa
is anyone who fears Allah
truly will find him an exit from every
hardship and
difficulty we will provide them from
sources that they cannot even imagine
it's all coming by the will of Allah
subhana wa tala the second mentioned in
the Quran the issue of shuk being
thankful to Allah subhana wa
tala if you're grateful I'll give you
more but if you're ungrateful because
you know most men and women when they
ask them how much you ear said not not
enough I'm still you know behind you're
always behind and you will die behind
believe me so therefore just say
alhamdulillah I'm happy I'm happy with
all I have which creates the concept of
contentment being content you'll be rich
and you will feel that you immediately
ready for that in and the last one
seeking forgiveness from Allah subhah wa
tala
[Music]
is if you just seek forgiveness from
Allah subhah wa taala Allah will provide
everything for you will'll send the rain
will'll bring forth you know the the
Treasures of the earth and even increase
you in your wealth and your children
means the size of your family these are
Now non-conventional sources of money
and wealth few people go after after
these sources we all just go about after
what we know but we Overlook so many of
these sources if you believe in these
things and you practice these things
Allah will create discontentment in your
heart you're going to always feel rich
and you will always feel ready and Allah
promised you if you feel so and you like
to do
it that if you want if you want to get
married but you feel that you're poor
put your trust in Allah and Allah subhah
wa ta'ala will make you rich from his
bounty
question what advice can you give to the
single brothers who have the financial
problems the first thing I would like to
point out over here regarding this
financial problems is that sometimes
it's only in your
mind so many many people they overwhelm
themselves with loans with lot of uh uh
debts and they keep calculating
everything every month and they get
really paranoid they said oh my God I'm
going to stay in this Hall until you
know for forever and they think that
going to keep going into this uh uh uh
basically uh Rat Race and they will
never come out of it well again first of
all get out of that Circle that hole and
start looking from inside from from
outside and one of the first rules of of
any hole the first rule of any Hall is
stop
digging if you know that you're in this
Hall stop digging which means don't get
just the get out of your o your ways of
spending that that keeps going putting
you into this problem so if you had pass
debts don't try to increase these debts
try as much as possible figure out a way
to get out of these debts inshallah as
soon as possible quick as possible the
other thing you need to sit seriously to
go and calculate all these things all
these now debts and and problems that we
that you have and TR to S sort your
priorities which of these deaths needs
to be finalized first and how you can do
that as quick as possible make a plan
inshallah tala part of this part of the
plans which I believe coming from the
Quran part of the plans of removing
yourself relieving yourself from most of
these debts is that you get married I
know it seems to be Paradox because you
say how come if I'm get married I'm
going to get even extra debts well it
depends on whom you're going to be
married to if you're going to marry
someone whose parents will demand
thousands and thousands millions of
dollars that's one thing but if you're
looking for the Baraka and for the
sitter does Allah subhah wa tala protect
you and protect her and just bring both
your hearts into in for this tranquility
and peace it will be very easy
inshalla so marriage Allah promised
you that if they were poor Allah subh
will provide from them from his bounties
so Allah will provide for you besides
when you get married we assume people
when they get married they arrive at a
specific level of
maturity at least Financial maturity
which means now they know that they have
they have responsibility besides their
personal spendings which would help them
inshallah tal cut down on some of their
personal spendings in order to save but
if you're going to just keep going on
waiting until you become ready to get
married you will never get will never be
ready because you're going to always
stay on that way so again sometimes it's
in your mind get yourself out of that
start making your calculations in the
best way inshallah and see how reduce
all these expenses and then make
marriage as one of your ways of getting
out of debt
if you have made mistakes in your past
but you have sincerely repented and are
making sure that you are not repeating
these mistakes anymore then is it NE is
it necessary to inform your potential
spouse about these
mistakes can you hide these mistakes
will Allah subhana hide these mistakes
for you as for Allah subhah wa tala that
I'll leave it for
Allah because the pro Allah subhana wa
tala as the prophet mentioned on the day
of judgment when Allah brings the
believer to the account and start to
admit basically expose the the records
for them and if they were really sincere
about what they did and they sincerely
repented the prophet Sall
said and I kept I I hi these from the
people means I just kept them of course
hidden for you in the D and now I
forgive you for these mistakes so Allah
subhana wa ta'ala might indeed uh hide
these mistakes from from the people it's
between you and Allah subhah wa tala
besides we all know we all have our own
mistakes and all blemishes how many
mistakes we have done in our life and we
know for sure that Allah subh is hiding
them and we're always afraid and
terrified that people would know about
them that's very natural but just keep
asking Allah subh to keep this between
you and him as now are you obligated to
reveal these
mistakes well if you say that you
repented and you you nobody knows about
these things or at least from in that c
Circle where you are right now no one
knows about these issues it's only
between you and Allah subhah wa tala you
don't have to expose
yourself you don't have to go and tell
her said listen by the way you know I
was just uh childish and I have done all
these things and start counting all
these Allah sins you don't have to do
that and if they ask about your past
tell them I really didn't have that
glorious past but I ask Allah subh to
forgive me that's all what I can say and
they insist on you to say listen did you
commit adultery did you commit
fornication tell them this is between me
and Allah I don't have even even if I
did that I don't have to tell you so you
don't have to expose yourself regarding
these
issues but if the the person is not
really sincere and not serious about
repentance and you could you could tell
that there are signs of some kind of
flip-flopping between uh these sins and
going back again to repentance and so on
in this case yes you have the right to
uh uh to question that
person okay question how is our um
going to to have future in order to
serve Allah if the sisters cannot get
married if they are pursuing higher
education how will we make tomorrow's
leaders man ask yourself don't ask
me if the sisters are busy doing you
know their their education and the guys
are waiting for them to finish they're
getting old old sister they getting old
no one's getting married eventually say
you know what that's it it's it's it's
too late for me some sisters they decide
not to marry at all some guy decide to
marry from overseas because it's going
to be a big headache to marry someone
who's over qualified for them so they
going to always have this problem and
what I'm saying here is that it is okay
you can you can pursue education as high
as you wish but if you won't like to get
married this is the point if you're
going to get married you're going to
have to play it by its rules means the
rules of marriage and you cannot
manipulate these rules Allah subhana set
rules for marriage who's responsible for
this who's responsible for that there
are certain things we call them rights
and obligations men they have rights in
the house and they are they have
obligations against them women they have
rights for them and also obligations
against them if you maintain rights and
obligation inshallah Allah subhah wa
taala will really indeed provide the
peace and Tranquility promise you but if
you start are now jumping on these
rights and obligations abusing the
rights and obligations of the other
spouse that when we create this kind of
um instability in the social uh social
network and therefore you see many
people start fighting again over issues
they consider them their own rights and
the obligation of the other
party if a
non-muslim if a non-muslim sister would
like to accept Islam and marry a Muslim
brother is it wrong for her to hide this
from the parents from her parents she is
worried that they would be heartbroken
please
advise well first of all the issue of
becoming a Muslim is indeed an
obligation that every every musl every
every insan every human being should
really take the chance to explore this
Faith sincerely and this is the message
of Islam it's Universal message all
people are obligated to make an effort
to learn about Islam and may Allah
subhana open their hearts and open their
mind for guidance now the issue of
becoming a Muslim that's one thing and
the issue of getting married to that
person is another thing and the issue of
the parents right now comes in the
middle so becoming a Muslim by I'm sure
that it's not going to be an easy
decision you make uh for your parents so
you have to educate them about this
issue if if if they if they don't accept
that which is natural of course for
parents specifically if they are
adherent to their faith and they don't
like don't want to have their kids you
know go out of the fault of their
religion in this case if they decide of
course you know uh uh or if they don't
accept your uh uh acceptance to Islam
that's one of the test and the trials
Allah subhana wa tal subject on you to
to see the sincerity of your IM and of
your faith so may Allah subhana help you
may Allah confirm your heart and IM on
IM and Islam now the issue of marriage
might be the second chance which is
probably be helpful to you to confirm
your Dean it doesn't mean that you cut
your ties with your with your parents we
don't say that we are obligated to be
kind to our parents regardless of their
faith Allah subhana wa command us about
being so kind to our
parents and even if they even if they
try to persuade it to commit sh which
means to associate partners with Allah
subhah
waala don't obey them in
that and maintain a good and kind
companionship with them so regardless of
their of their religion you need to
maintain a good companionship with them
but still you need also to accept this
at aest coming from Allah subhana wa
tala for
you if a perspective spouse family is
low class or
poor now in the perception of course of
the
questioner is that a valid excuse for
the parents to reject well the issue the
issue of of class and social status and
so on is one of these categories of
comparability in Islamic law remember
what we said earlier that there are two
quality quties the they all agree on so
there's unanimous agreement on these two
qualities that's faith and good manners
anything else comes next and the they
argue they argue about it not all the
all Muslim Scholars agree on these other
qualities for comparability one of these
issues is the issue of class and the
issue of social status some of the they
say you know those who of the same class
should marry from each other a man from
an upper class can marry from a lower
class but the opposite a little bit
difficult why because now the issue
social status right now is it's subject
to the in the in the patriarchal system
to the family of the man and if if or
the woman basically if she marries
someone from a lower class she bring
shame to her social network and family
and so on all these as I said just
issues discussed in books of F and not
necessarily agreed upon by all Muslim
Scholars is it a valid reason for her
family for family to reject the person
it depends on the
circumstances I cannot really judge this
because according to the question
question it says low class or poor I
don't know what's the meaning of that
and how rich or high class the
questioner is so it depends on the
circumstances but sometimes it is il
legitimate if there is a great deal of
uh um I would say difference great
difference between both Contracting
parties what if she wants to marry him
anyway she has the full right to say yes
and she has a full right to try to
enforce that if she want but I do not
recommend that because eventually you're
going to need someday you're going to
need the support of your family because
this is not about you and him it's about
all these all the social network in the
society two families representing two
different prop cultures two different uh
uh even communities will establish a
stronger uh bigger communities as
well if you are looking for a wife what
do you do
[Music]
still the question goes
on the question goes do you look for
somebody you love and
beautiful okay for the first part if
you're looking for a wife what do you do
first of all before you start looking
for a wife make sure that you ready for
that and if you're still too young for
this it's too early to ask the
question but if in that if you're of
that age means you're ready to to go and
and start looking for for a spouse may
Allah make it easy for you in this
society and in the tradition I would say
traditional unconventional ways of doing
it goes usually through the women's uh
social network means the mother the
sister relatives they go and they look
and they ask if they have a larger
social network would be makes it easier
for them if if not like in our society
over here because we don't know probably
people a lot of people from the same
family maybe in that area so they're
going to have to go through what what is
available in their communities and
usually the mass a good chance for
people to go and look for Islamic
conferences Mah Gathering like this I'm
sure that many brothers and sisters they
have in their mind you know the idea of
maybe who never know
allaham and I know a lot of of of older
ladies they approach these young girls
during these occasions so they come and
just you know blunted some say so are
you married uh you know I have a a nice
son M he's an MD he's a doctor he's this
he's that so they try to propose right
away on the spot if they can do it
that's what that's a that's a good way
but if not um I still say that we lack
really the enough Halal venues for
matrimonial services and I encourage
that every single Community to work hard
in helping their youth I don't want our
kids to be outsourced other communities
what's going in reality right now most
of our most of actually the youth uh is
going through the process of Outsourcing
right now so they go and they marry from
from another Community you here in New
York for example you have hundreds of
young men and young women but you you
see most of these young men and women
they go and they marry from outside New
York they go to Chicago for example or
Atlanta they go to California and so on
why for some reason subh Allah it's
Greer on the other side and you see that
people from California they also come to
New New York and they want to marry from
here so why because it seems that the
young men and women over here being so
exposed to the culture of their own
fellow you know brothers and sisters
here um they don't really feel
comfortable engaging from their own
community and I don't recommend that I
would say try to find this social
satisfaction within your community and
one thing I would like to warn the
brothers and the families from in the
process of getting married you'll see
many young men what they do because of
the high demands and expectations of
Muslim
families they just quit the idea of
marrying from a Muslim family and they
go and they marry a non-muslim woman
which is halal if she was a Christian or
a Jew it is okay there's no problem with
that islamically but remember for every
brother who marries a mus a Christian or
a Jew or even for every brother every
man who marries from outside his
community and for every brother who's
marrying from outside the country means
there is one sister left behind here
why is that because men have the Liberty
probably to marry second third fourth
women they only marry
Muslim so therefore you need to also
consider this also on the on the long
run and what you should be looking for I
mean should you should attend the love
notes or F of love we gave a whole
seminar on this issue uh but the first
the most the prophet sallam
said a woman is is married for four
qualities the prophet sallallah wasallam
said she would should be married for her
beauty for her lineage for her wealth or
for her Dean and then he
said means look for the one who's
religious may you be blessed if you can
find all these qualties in one person
alhamdulillah if not then you need to
you're going to have to do some kind of
compromise but if you're going to
compromise any quality don't you ever
compromise the issue of Dean and akl
religion and man ISM and there's a
difference between Dean and being
religious does not guarantee that the
person man or woman will be mallah very
Pious and well-mannered
because In some cultures you know being
religious means being more rigid the
more rigid you are the more religious
you are that's how they how they
perceive that and that's
wrong poy and righteousness is all in
what Allah subh commands and avoiding
the prohibitions in the Quran the son of
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
so it's not about being rigid prevent
yourself from so many of the Halal
things no practice the Halal do the do
the commands and avoid the Haram and you
will be the most righteous
person how can a man or a woman learn
about the personality of the other party
if he does not ever talk to her asking
family and friends about a person's
character can
only something is missing can only
anyway how will I know if she is the
right person for me well alhamdulillah
even if you first of all you would need
to ruce yourself to the family and the
family they accept the initial proposal
then you will have this betral time the
betral period you can come together
under the supervision of a Maham you can
talk as much as you want as long as you
want you can explore areas of of family
life and future as as much as you want
so basically you have the time uh for
you to discuss so many issues directly
you see him you see her and you sit
together again supervised discussing so
many things does the the Maham has to
sit in the middle between you and
sticking his nose you know between your
faces so should be no sightseeing during
that conversation the answer is no they
can be sitting there in that same room
for example at least they can observe
the session from from a distance so you
can talk freely if you will as long as
there is no supervision right now from
Paran supervision then it's okay to do
so after that of course you can make
your
decisions if anyone marry a girl from a
different culture what kind of problem
will create in future Allah it depends
on their uh approach of their of course
marriages because I know when you when
you have two cultures coming together in
Mar in a marriage it will be very hard
and difficult sometimes to communicate
there will be um uh lot of basically
specifically between the two two
families means her parents and his uh
they might misunderstand miscommunicate
a lot of things and even sometimes the
slic thinging can create a problem even
the spices in the food can make a big
problem this is too spicy this is too
blunt so how do you cook the food
sometimes it it creates problem of that
of that kind so I would say it depends
on the two uh two parties and their
cultures where is exactly coming from
there might be some kind of issues and
there might be ald a lot of harmonies
among these communities uh the thing is
it depends on how much integrated these
cultures in the the actual Community
itself so for in New York here for
instance I don't know how much you guys
are integrated into the different
cultures which means do you have let's
say that the Arab culture the African
culture the the local culture the the
overseas culture all together integrated
in one melting po or do you have this
unofficial segreg cultural segregation
in the community it depends
I have visited some communities
specifically smaller communities in
order for them to survive they had to go
and break all these cultural barriers so
there isn't much difference and it's
easier for them to have interracial
marriages but in larger cities where you
have this unofficial cultural you
segregation it becomes harder and harder
for them to uh to marry from uh from
outside their
culture what is the the the the proper
Halal way for a woman to approach a man
for
marriage um first of all if she's
interested in a person I will suggest to
go uh around some of her closest friends
that she can trust who can have an
access let's say to information about
this person if he's available or not and
if what if he was married
already what if he was engaged you don't
want to go and course tackle onto the
wrong uh infringing on the wrong domain
basically so therefore you have to make
sure that the person is free and in this
case after you after you know that he is
let's say free you can uh send let's say
a sub proposal through again third party
and if the person shows interest you can
pursue that if you will and of course by
asking him to go and propose directly to
the to the we and uh if he's not
interested it's over at least that would
Save You All the Troubles of course and
the pain at least minimize that pain can
she go directly to propose to someone
can a woman come and directly propose to
a brother says brother you know what I
see that you're such a righteous person
a good man and I would like to propose
to
you have you guys ever received
something like this before or you just
dreaming about it
no because
even he established a whole chapter on
this issue it is permissible for a woman
to propose directly to a righteous man
she's allowed to do that and he
brought mentioning a woman who came to
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
proposing to him a woman came proposing
to the prophet sallallahu alhi wasallam
so the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam he looked at her and then felt
shy kind of felt shy so he nod his head
down which
means what does that mean it means no he
he just he didn't want to continue
looking because he has no interest so he
says no which means it's basically no
the woman she kind of felt you know
frustrated or maybe she didn't know what
to do so just sat
down a man was sitting next to the
prophet s
says means if you have no interest in
her can I marry
her now the prophet Salli wasallam
turned to her because it's her issue and
she the woman she she didn't mind it so
he said okay do you have anything to
offer her like a Dar Mah basically a
wedding gift he says I don't have
anything right now said go and check for
anything so he went and he looked he
couldn't find anything came back again
said I couldn't find anything so the
prophet said go ahead go and look for
anything even if it was just an iron
ring which means something insignificant
in in material value just go off for
anything the guy was so poor that he
went back again looked for everything
didn't find anything he
said I have nothing except for this and
he pointed his Lo cloth that wraps his
waist with and the prophet said what is
she going to do with this
if she takes it you're going to be
walking around
naked so the man himself also felt kind
of frustrated he didn't have anything so
he sat down kind of s as well then the
prophet said okay fine do you have
anything of the Quran with you means do
you memorize anything of the Quran he
says I
know I know these these few suras he
said
okay means you marry her with the Quran
that you have mean that was her Mah
means to teach her the Quran that
and Allah but probably they maybe they
they lived happily ever
after the point is according to this
Hadith IM bukari said it is permissible
for a woman to directly propose to a man
it's okay to do that of course that
depends on the culture as well in our
Shar one of the five maxims governing
Islamic law there a very important Maxim
that govern Islamic law called which
means custom rules when there's no
specific law in from the Quran or the
Sunnah to explain interpret something
then we go back we shelter back uh we
find shelter and the which means the
custom if the custom does not contradict
the laws of sharia it should be accepted
in uh in some of the the areas regarding
the enement of Law and in this case uh
if if here the custom let's say it's
okay for a woman to go straight forward
to to Pro to a man that's fine but in
some other cultures if a woman does that
it's it's kind of you know offensive to
them so don't even try it it depends and
I know a friend of mine actually I
mentioned that story last night actually
or was it the night before that a friend
of mine who was m is a very nice person
and he was taking trying to take his
classes from the board and at the
University was studying Sharia even and
all of a sudden he hears a female voice
from from the side saying Salam alaykum
and he goes
wum then she goes can I talk to you for
a moment and then he just looked he
found a sister with aab and she was
looking at him and he was looking around
there was nobody else but him so he goes
me she says yeah you can I talk to you
he says yeah how can I help you she said
well uh listen brother I don't want you
to be offend but I have been M watching
you for this past
semester uh and I heard so many things
about you you seem to be very nice and
gentle person i' like a man who's mallah
very generous very religious blah blah
blah blah and then she goes I would like
to prop to follow the sunah and propose
to you
the guy run
away he felt so shy he didn't know what
to do he was so shy I know him W the man
is M he's so sweet he's so sweet he he's
so shy and then he just didn't know what
to do so he just ran
[Music]
away but the lady she kept going after
him later of course
not not at that said she didn't go after
him right away but she she went and she
sent other other messages to him and she
sent other you know people to talk on
her behalf and so on eventually the man
kept saying no no no I don't know I
don't want to go through the details of
his life and why and so on but
eventually he didn't marry
her you
see so not all love stories end with the
same clawes happily ever after and not
all love as you see is in exchange
reciprocal from both sides might be from
one side and there's nothing from the
other side so it might be a test for
some
people that's it
okay e